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Currently, I am living in Germany, and I have an old friend (he was my neighbor also in country of origin) who moved here a few months ago, and by luck, he is living now not far from my home.

Generally, I like to help people, especially who I know (family or friends), just this friend broke contact between us for no reason, and now as he needs help, he is trying to contact me.

As I said it is a pleasure for me to help, but as this friend refused in his first months to contact me (he said no need for that), so I don't want really to give him any kind of help now.

How to tell him politely that I'm a human as anyone else, and he can't come to me only when he needs help?

Remarks:

  • We are both from Tunisia
  • We were good friends in the past, but after he stopped all kind of contact for no reason.
  • I am someone who like to help others, but in this situation I feel it is rude.

Update:

Yesterday he tried to contact me, first via Facebook by sending messages there, and after he got my number from someone we know, started calling me more than 100 times. This is making me nervous.

  • How confrontational do you wish to be? – LinuxBlanket Jul 18 '18 at 8:54
  • all what I want, is to stop him from acting in this way (contacting people only when he needs help), doesn't matter with me or someone else – Moslem Ch Jul 18 '18 at 8:57
  • Yes, but are you open to have an argument with him on this subject or do you want to avoid it at all costs and solve the issue peacefully? – LinuxBlanket Jul 18 '18 at 9:00
  • I know it is so hard to give this kind of people a good lesson, so to avoid it at all costs is the easiest – Moslem Ch Jul 18 '18 at 9:03
  • he stopped all kind of contact for no reason. How do you know, he had no reason? – Arsak Jul 18 '18 at 9:38
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Try something along the lines of:

Hey Bob, we've been friends in the past, yet not hearing from you when you moved here left me with the impression that you did not consider our friendship something to hold on to.

I would gladly help a friend but since you only reach out on me when you're in need I feel taken advantage of. I wonder if you think of me as a friend or just a free helping hand.

In this issue you'd need to find help somewhere else.

Giving him the opportunity to explain himself or at least showing him how you evaluate the relationship.

From my personal experience it is quite difficult to change people. Even getting them changing themselves takes lots of effort and time. If the previous friendship has shifted to be lopsided and you consider breaking all contact, you can add something like:

Please refrain from further contacting me.

This comes of harsh but also leaves your friend no room to wiggle. If he still tries to reach out on you you can block his number / E-mail after getting the message across.

If your common friends ask you why you'd take these measures you can explain the issue as you did here. Your reasoning made sense and they surely will understand.

Edit in response to:

just the last sentence you'd need to find help somewhere else isn't it offensive or too rude?

If you break up with someone, being bold is often the preferred option since the other person might try finding ways to convince you otherwise.

Your friend could try and meet up to become friends again. But if his character doesn't change you will find yourself in the same spot (getting taken advantage of) again.

So you need to evaluate if you want to put in the effort to change your past friend or just move on.

  • 2
    +1, I liked this way, just the last sentence you'd need to find help somewhere else isn't it offensive or too rude? – Moslem Ch Jul 18 '18 at 9:56
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I can't help you always, otherwise you won't learn to help yourself.

Something above those lines with obviously more details by your part would clarify that there's something wrong with the modus operandi of your friend, and it just feels tiring for you for 2 reasons, you always have to be thinking how to solve his problems when you have your own as well and second, helping always someone will make him dependent on you, obviously you don't want that since is a toxic situation for both.

  • 1
    I will try it, but this kind of people, won't really understand it so fast ... I worry if then he asks about a reason, i want him to understand that he can't ignore people and just call when he needs something, I want it to be a lesson for him. – Moslem Ch Jul 18 '18 at 8:51
  • Sadly, You can't teach someone who doesn't want to learn. So I think what you describe is a plausible outcome, you just give your best effort and show him your support but in a way so he understands that abusing from this kind of requests can push people he care about further. Hopefully he'll understand and improve his attitude in this kind of situations. – Alexander Aeons Torn Jul 18 '18 at 9:01

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