I will be going on a business trip to the Chicago area, about 1 hour away from the city I think. My friend lives in the city and she has very kindly offered to host me for the weekend after and show me around. So I will stay at a hotel in the vicinity of where my work is for the week and then head to the city to stay with my friend on Friday and Saturday nights.

I am male and we've been close over the years. There is no possibility of romantic or sexual developments, but I do treat her with much more politeness and reverence than I would any male friend. She is sensitive and the kind of gal who appreciates being treated like a lady, and is into all "girly" things so we don't use profanity or anything like that.

So, of course I accepted her offer and she's been excited telling me about museums and restaurants we'll go to and I'm really excited about it too, and I can't wait to see her, but I have a significant problem.

I have seen photos of her apartment and it is very small (small one bedroom.) I expect that I will sleep on her sofa and she will be in her bedroom and that is fine. From what I can tell however, the bathroom is situated right next to the door which is right next to the kitchen and then within short distance to the living room and the couch.

I am worried because it is unavoidable that at some point I will need to go use her bathroom and when I do she will hear what I would describe as "spectacular fireworks of a gross nature", which I cannot suppress when I go. No fan or running water has a chance of concealing this noise. I can't reliably predict when I will have necessity so I can't really just wait until we're out.

So my question is: How do I communicate to my host the horrible awkwardness of what may turn out to be a relationship-altering trip to the bathroom?

PS: yes I know there's an episode of Seinfeld where this happens to George but he is able to just leave, I cannot.

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    I don't see this as an IP question, you'll most likely receive tips and tricks to hide or prevent the noise – Fez Vrasta Jul 22 '18 at 2:27
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    I'm flagging to close this question as off-topic because this doesn't appear to be about interpersonal skills and interaction within the scope defined in the help center. – gparyani Jul 22 '18 at 10:27

I would say that the awkwardness is mostly in your own mind only. Given the situation, the diminished privacy is a fact that cannot be changed and it is no fault of yours, so you have nothing to feel ashamed or awkward about. There is no inherent profanity in the situation: profanity only arises from human action. So it only depends on you how gracefully you handle it.

Just tell her something like: "I need to use your bathroom now, but I am afraid I am a bit noisy, I apologise, but I cannot help it", or perhaps also ask her "would you mind staying in your bedroom [or wherever it is the farhtest from the bathroom] for a while, I would feel much better (and probably you too)?" You say your friend is kind of lady-like: so she certainly will handle such a situation with grace and discreetness. Just don't make a big deal of it, and neither will she -- this is just life! No such thing is something that should change a relationship to the worse -- if it is a relationship worth continuing, I mean. Quite the opposite: the ability to handle such situations is a touchstone of good friendship, and experiencing them will strengthen it. I bet you will both laugh at it in retrospect.

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