To make things clear, I really love my mother and my girlfriend.

About my mother: she gave me everything in life. She really loves me, and do her best to take care of me. But I can not deny that she is a really difficult person to deal with, and when she doesn't like someone, she is really unpleasant.

About my girlfriend: she comes from a poor and divided family, but she is a person that always fights for her dreams. About 8 years ago, she left her hometown (about 500km from my city) to live here. We met each other at a party and started dating about 3 weeks after that party. We've been in a relationship for about 3 years. At the moment, she is having more contact with her family, mainly because of a newly born nephew.

The differences between my GF and mother started long ago when, at a Christmas night in my house, my father said that he was really happy with my old brother having a new girlfriend; and he said nothing about my GF (me and my brother started to date our girlfriends the same week). Also, my mother has always been a pleasant person with my brother's girlfriend (because she was rich), while she was not giving much attention to my girlfriend.

Also, my mother had already argued with me many times just because I was hanging on with my girlfriend and never said anything about my brother.

The problem is that this hate towards each other is really driving me mad. It's causing me anxiety, a little bit of depression and emotional instability. Also, my girlfriend is threatening me that she will move to her homeland to stay with her family and will never go back. I want to find a way to solve this problem.

I have been on this relationship for 3 years now. My mother, unfortunately, is a very proud person. I think that she will not apologize for her acts and my girlfriend said that she doesn't want to live with my mother anymore. How can I make each other to live in peace?

OBS: I live with muito parents.

  • 3
    Hi Celso. Very common problem that you face, I guess :) actually, this isn't suited for this stack, as What can I do? question are off-topic here, and How can I make each other to live in peace? is also off-topic, because it's mainly opinion-based and too-broad. Can you please edit your post and narrow down to a single question with a clear goal? Thanks. – OldPadawan Jul 28 '18 at 7:21
  • I wonder if your gf actually hates your mother? It seems like your mother started to hate your gf first (maybe she thinks your gf is a golddigger?). Could you clarify? It could be that your gf just wants to live in peace but your mother is making her life hard. – Tazin.c Jul 28 '18 at 12:19
  • you 'live with muito parents'? – Quora Feans Aug 20 '18 at 1:37

There is a saying that "blood is thicker than water", i.e. family comes first. However, I don't entirely subscribe to that view. Parents are human too, they have flaws, and may even ultimately not be very nice people. You don't get to choose that.

As an adult, you have a choice how much you let family interfere with your personal life, and this can require difficult choices. While you're living under your parent's roof, naturally it's hard to avoid them, and out of respect for them giving you a place to live, you should be civil towards them. If the dislike between your mother and girlfriend can't be reconciled, your options are pretty limited:

  1. Continue to live with your parents and see your girlfriend, just try to minimize contact between them. (Most stressful outcome - basically nothing changes).

  2. Move out of your parents house as soon as you can. Limit contact with your mother and try to heal the relationship with your girlfriend. You get more independence, but at a financial cost.

  3. Accept that the relationship with your girlfriend isn't going to work out because of your mother's views, and end it. You get to stay living with them, but have to find a new relationship or just be single for a while.

Personally, option 2 is really the best outcome for your life in general, since as adults we need to find independence, and the earlier this happens the better it will equip you to deal with all the various complexities of life.

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