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I've been dating my girlfriend for a few months now and I have given oral and fingered her frequently, but that's the furthest she's gone with anyone. I feel like merely bringing up or suggesting handjobs, blowjobs, or sex will make her feel like she has to do one or all of those things right now.

I feel the seeds of resentment being planted, but I don't want those feelings to flourish because I really enjoy so many other aspects of this girl.

I'm 23, she's 21 and we've been born and raised in the US. She seems really comfortable with me performing on her. We did talk about me doing stuff before and after but we've never brought up her doing anything for me.

How do I bring this up without making her feel like she has to do something she doesn't want to do? It seems impossible...

  • to be clear, she has not done any acts and only received from you? – SomeoneElse Aug 3 '18 at 8:34
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    Have you had any experience with a previous partner? Also age of people involved might help people give better answers (at least range). – Ontamu Aug 3 '18 at 8:47
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    Just because I'm not sure I understood correctly: You feel like bringing up or suggesting might pressure her, did I understand correctly then that you haven't tried bringing it up yet? Are you starting to resent her, or is it looking like she's resenting you? – Tinkeringbell Aug 3 '18 at 8:49
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    I've had sex and received other things from previous partners – Hal the Pal Aug 3 '18 at 8:50
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    Was she comfortable with you performing on her, did you talk about it before/after? Or is it just reciprocating that you think she might be uncomfortable with? – sudowoodo Aug 3 '18 at 11:58
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From personal experience, I've been the more experienced one (like you i guess) in my relationship. Sex and the like are very touchy subjects and most people who have not engaged in them before are either very lost or shy and uncomfortable with doing these acts. Also, Inexperienced girls tend to find the male organ a bit intimidating and strange to them, give her time.

If you do choose to talk about this subject with your girlfriend, try to ask her how she feels about sex and what you guys have been doing so far.

If she's shy and uncomfortable : In this case, you can try to encourage her to step out of her boundaries but also be very clear with her that you are not pressuring her into anything. This feeling is the trickiness and most likely boil down to her getting her courage or feeling it is the right time to perform such acts.

If she's lost : Here is where you just have to guide and teach her how to do things. She might feel that she will do things wrongly and you will be annoyed or angry with her if something goes awry. Handle those feelings with her and assure her that you and her are exploring something together.

All in all : One thing which i found quite useful is showering together. If you are not already doing so it helps. Applying soap and what not on each other and showering or bathing together will help in more exposure to each others bodies. Making her more comfortable with it and might help with the one-sidedness. Side note, don't feel so bad that she isn't willing to do these within a few months, she's opened up enough to let you do things to her, it could just take a bit more time to get comfortable.

  • I think this answer is something I needed to hear at least for reassurance that she is not doing anything wrong and to be more patient. Also, I like the showering together idea and I may suggest that when the opportunity arises. The problem is, that she's not very good at expressing her feelings (little relationship experience), and I'm always the one bringing up things that she later says she's glad I brought up. – Hal the Pal Aug 3 '18 at 8:57
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    Considering her inexperience, she is probably looking to you to show the path and how relationships kind of work. Treat her trust well and try to make her journey into this new area a great and fulfilling one. – SomeoneElse Aug 3 '18 at 9:12
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I was in very similar position to you with one major difference. My Gf was very open that she isn't comfortable with sexual things right from the start. I agree that you shouldn't pressure her.

The solution:

Just give her time. 2-3 months isn't really that long of a time especially if she hasn't had intercourse before (or she has had bad experiences in the past).

Let her approach the issue once she is comfortable enough with you.

In the first 4 months pretty much all sexual zones were off limits for me and that is OK. Afterwards she started opening up and even requesting to experiment more a few months later. I can't tell you how much time it takes as it really depends on her.

Side notes:

I know waiting can be frustrating but this is one of the times you should put her needs before yours.

Create a comfortable and safe environment. Establish rules and safe words. Explain that it is perfectly fine for her to refuse sex or ask you to stop anytime.

Those things can help your situation.

  • I'll continue to wait it out. Thank you :). I have been really clear from the beginning that she can tell me to stop whenever she wants and I'll stop. She did tell me pretty early on that she was a virgin, so I really tried to let her know that it's totally fine, I'll take it slow, and she has total autonomy. – Hal the Pal Aug 3 '18 at 17:02
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First of all: No, you are not a bad person for asking this question. In fact I would argue it's quite the oposite since it shows you actually care about your GF.

Don't be afraid to bring it up. Yes it might bring up some pressure for her, but chances are she's already putting pressure on herself because she's not doing anything back for you. What you should focus on is making her feel safe.

Tell her clearly that you won't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do. Suggesting a safeword1 can show her that you're serious in respecting her boundaries. Make sure that you do respect them though (given the way you asked your question here I don't expect this to be a problem).

Once you have brought it up she might show/tell you that she's insecure since she doesn't know what to do. This is the perfect opertunity to turn it around. Tell her you'll gide her though it at her pace. You can add to it that if she does something wrong it's because you didn't tell her what to do. By starting this way you can start as slow as she needs to go (this might take a long time to actually get anywhere) and gradualy let her try out new things when she's starting to get comfortable.

So in short: As long as you focus on staying supportive you really can't do much wrong with just bringing it up.


(1) Safe words can be anything you wouldn't usually say during sexy-times. Which words to use is personal preference. It can be something like "red" to stop and "orange" to be more careful but without really stopping. Explicitly saying "stop" is fine too.

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According to my wife, women talk about everything -- and I mean everything. While your girlfriend might not have had direct experience of various sexual acts, she might know more about them than you think.

I would start by asking her what she likes, what turns her on, and what she'd like to try with you. She might mention one or two on your list, in which case you're good to go.

If not, and considering your current level of sexual activity, it's not unreasonable to mention the ones that give you pleasure. Giving sexual pleasure can be as much fun as receiving it, and you shouldn't feel bad asking for "a little help".

If she's still uncomfortable with those kind of activities, then give her time, especially if she's young and trying to balance her physical desires against other things, like social or religious expectations.

Again, if not, and you think she might simply be using you for her sexual gratification without being willing to return the favor, well ... I can understand your frustration. By all means avoid creating pressure or resentment, but at some point your relationship may simply stop being very much fun for you, and you'll have to decide whether you want to continue.

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