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Let's call my friend Bob and the story girl Alice.

Background

I was in class with Bob and Alice. Some day Bob posted a picture of a gun (not his; from the Darknet, because he was drunk) in our class chatroom (WhatsApp). A few days after, a policeman came into our classroom and took Bob outside. Later on, when he was back, I asked him what happened.

Bob recognized he did a wrong thing and apologized to the whole class. Please note that we've all known each other for more than 5 years, so we know he was drunk when he did it. The class took it as a joke, and we all moved on.

OK, now here's where things are getting pretty strange:

Problem

Bob was suspended for three days, apologized and accepted the punishment without any discussion. A few days after the talk with the police, a teacher went into our classroom and asked the whole class what they have to say about Bob's action. Everyone remained silent but Alice, who said Bob would kill everyone in the class and mentioned some things Bob has done several years ago to prove her right, like the fact that Bob used to throw firecrackers to the ground with another friend from the class. The problem is that Bob was legally throwing these firecrackers on New Year's Eve, so there was nothing harmful nor unsafe in his actions.

Literally the whole class told Alice she shouldn't have said such things. Bob never hurt her.

Once he came back from his suspension, Bob was told by the class what Alice said about him. To my surprise, he wasn't even angry. He just said that he totally understands Alice and that he's really sorry for the whole thing.

A couple of weeks after that, Bob got suspended again for three weeks for the "picture-class-story", and when he came back, Alice offered him to lend her notebooks for he can get the lessons missed during the suspension. Bob didn't ask anybody for borrowing notebooks, and she spontaneously offered hers.

About one month later after the “picture-class-story“, Alice claimed completely out of the blue that Bob has been following her on her way home (which isn't true, because he is always the first one to leave the class and goes home right after). The police came again, and Alice said something that really surprised the policeman :

Sorry, I see that this is impossible that Bob followed me. I withdraw my statement.

Alice's attitude toward Bob is very variable, going back and forth from positive to negative. She stares at him during breaks and she and a friend of hers even call him by a nickname. When a teacher was criticizing Bob and telling the class about their hatred toward him, Alice stood for him and defended him.

Bob eventually changed schools, and I asked Alice after that why she did this to him. She said she had nothing against him... and that she didn't even really talked to him once in her life!
Bob does not hold a grudge against her either, but wonders why Alice always want to get him in such trouble.

Alice asked me to help her reconcile with Bob.

Question

What can Alice try to do to reconcile with Bob after making false statements against him?

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    What was the context around the gun pic? Did he just post a pic of a gun on snapchat, or did he add a comment saying he'd shoot the school? Why was he suspended twice for the same "crime"? Why was Alice acting like that towards him? Why does she want to reconcile when Bob isn't even in the same school anymore? Are they still seeing each other? For what purpose? – BlindSp0t Aug 9 '18 at 15:55
  • @BlindSp0t: He posted just the pic without any captions – I literally don't know why Alice did act like that and sometimes they see each other. – current_user Aug 9 '18 at 16:33
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    Is Alice stable? She seems like either a liar or is scared about something she isn’t saying and is trying to find something else to pin the blame on Bob for. I frankly don’t think you have enough information or at least you haven’t put it in here. Also the authorities are acting against Bob, is that for just reasons or false accusations? – mutt Aug 14 '18 at 5:13
  • @mutt: Yes, she is actually stable. I did talk to her before a couple of hours and she did say that she did want some attention back then but I really don't know what she wanted. Maybe she had some feelings (not love, but you know, some “good“ feelings) for him and maybe he did ignored that and that's the reason why she acted like that. She told me that indirectly. – current_user Aug 14 '18 at 9:23
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    On a side note: A couple of weeks after that, Bob got suspended again That is totally unfair, and if this was brought to a court it could even be illegal (the non bis in idem principle). – Jan Doggen Aug 15 '18 at 12:14
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Sidenote: I'm not from Germnay, so my answer may not take into account German social norms.

Reconciliation

The best way Alice can reconcile with Bob is to offer him a sincere and truthful apology. She cannot take back what she has inflicted on Bob (the police involvement, Bob switching schools, potential emotional toll, etc.). However, taking responsibility for her actions shows that she truly feels remorse towards bob. This does not guarantee that Bob will forgive her, but it's a step in a right direction for Alice to make amends.

Another way to show remorse is to for Alice to indicate to Bob she is making changes towards improving herself and her bad behavior. You state:

Yes, she is actually stable.... Maybe she had some feelings (not love, but you know, some “good“ feelings) for him and maybe he did ignored that and that's the reason why she acted like that.

To me, that sounds like the exact opposite of stable behavior. Lightly making and redacting serious allegations about stalking and violence aren't healthy ways of displaying affection towards someone. (Granted, I'm making assumptions) but Alice may have some sort of personality disorder or Obsessive Love Disorder. Therapy sessions or talking with school counseling are concrete examples of Alice making efforts to change her behavior.

I hope this helps!

  • This is a great answer (+1)! But I have one question: Your suggestion is pretty good, but is there maybe something that Bob could do, too? You know, just that he does something to (so that Alice doesn't think that she is apologizes and Bob “ignores“ it). – current_user Aug 14 '18 at 20:49
  • Bob can choose to accept the apology or not, as well as choose to forgive Alice. Judging from one of your previous examples of Alice's behavior, Bob seems forgiving. But you can't expect him to accept the apology or to forgive Alice, which is something she must be prepared for. – BFG95 Aug 14 '18 at 20:55
  • Frankly, I don't even believe Alice that she wants to reconcile with Bob (but note all info I have is second hand). That makes this answer even more appropriate: the OP should not let himself be dragged into this, it is fully up to Alice to take responsibility for her erratic behaviour. – Jan Doggen Aug 15 '18 at 12:11
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The best answer is honesty and a humble apology. Tell Bob that she is very sorry and tell him the 100% truth of why she lied about him on multiple occasions. He will either forgive and move past it or it was too much to continue a relationship with Alice. It wouldn’t hurt for Alice to indicate the type of relationship she wishes to have with Bob as well.

Honesty is required to have a honest relationship. An apology needs to happen if you wish to move past offenses given. As there is already a breach in trust, it’s a good idea to define the desired relationship.

Alice has proven herself untrustworthy and hostile towards Bob. She must prove herself trustworthy by being honest where she wasn’t and apologize in recognition for wrong doing to Bob. Then if Bob forgives her they can build a relationship with trust. As Bob may be gun shy, stating her desires from the relationship would likely help ease those fears of Bobs.

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    Hey, thanks for the answer! Can you please explain exactly why you think that this is a good idea? Why do you say to take this course of action? What’s the thought process behind this answer? As this currently stands, this is essentially a “Try this!” answer. We require that answers provide some sort of explanation for why they are suggesting this solution, and unfortunately, at the moment this answer doesn't appear to do that. – ElizB Aug 14 '18 at 14:21

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