13

My mother had behaviors towards me I'd consider inappropriate.

For example, when I was 17 she dropped her pants in front of me once. I knew she did this on purpose. She stayed like this for 5-10 mins when she knew I was seeing.

Another example is when my Dad and the rest of the family were out for the evening. Only she and I were home. She called me upstairs and asked me to massage her back - she said it was itchy or something. She laid down on her stomach, unstrapped her bra and asked me to massage her back. Even if she wanted me to massage her, I don't understand why she needed to unstrap her bra.
She did this twice to me.

Her behavior towards me also changed when I started dating girls. She didn't like me seeing women. I think she tried to create a rift between me and them.

Her behavior annoys me and I think it is inappropriate. How can I ask her to stop?

8

There is no question from your description that your mother's behavior is completely inappropriate -- there is no "I think...".

This is not a "Prakash" issue, your mother has clearly inappropriate boundaries. There are many possible reasons for your mother's behavior, but Prakash is NOT the person to address the reasons with his mother. This is a terribly unfortunate situation in that as children (regardless of age), we commonly seek refuge in our mother's -- this is normal -- but these types of problems, usually leave us without that "safety net." And, to be certain, not by our choice. And this point must be made clear: "Parkash did not do anything wrong -- mother MADE the CHOICE to violate the boundaries." That is unfortunate.

Age is very important. Legally, there are certain remedies at various ages. You state ...when you were 17..., how old are you now? A rhetorical question that does not require an answer, and not that her behavior is appropriate at any age, at the risk of making an assumption, you sound to be a legal adult, in which case your ONLY REAL option seems clear, and not to put to fine a point on it: Get Out!

You need to extricate yourself from any further influence she is able to exert on YOUR life. As you stated, she has already interfered with "other women you were seeing" and "creating a rift" -- this is a classic abuse maneuver: Isolate the victim. And as your "world" has shrunk, she is now "become attractive" -- this too, is common among "prisoners."

This will be especially difficult for you Prakesh, and you'll likely need to seek help (Friends, government assistance, enlisting in the military may be an option, too). Based on your description, your mother is likely to guilt you into staying ("you'll never make it without me/us/your family", "but don't you love me", "Please, don't leave your mother"). The alternative is to subject yourself to continued abuse.

Also, you're Dad may not be aware of what is happening. However, abusers do not always act outside the purview of the family. There are many reasons for this as well, but these, too, are beyond Prakesh's control.

I hope I have been clear in that in no way is Prakesh at any fault in this situation, and IMHO your mother has sought to blur the boundaries, but because you are also indicating the acceptance of these "false" boundaries, I would very strongly recommend that you seek out a qualified therapist to help you focus on identifying and establishing boundaries, as well as establishing and maintaining healthy relationships.

Good Luck.

| improve this answer | |
3

This is a tremendously difficult situation to address. Your mother’s sexuality is not your responsibility and in many cases this could be considered assault punishable by law. The nuances and desires for the relationship define much of this.

  1. Have you communicated you are not interested in participating in these activities or seeing her unclothed?

  2. Has there been any coercement including implied guilt, shame, punishment, or removal of healthy relationship as a result of number 1? (I.e. retaliation of rejection)

  3. Are you without a means to get away from these behaviors? (I.e. you live with your parents or they pay for your housing and food)

If you feel there is any sexual inappropriateness you need to speak up against it. It is a good idea to involve your Dad as he is her partner and sexual monogamy is usually an assumed part of the relationship. You can let him know of the behaviors and that you are uncomfortable with them and uncomfortable talking to your mom and ask him to talk to her about it.

Past the above you can leave or get legal involvement. Either way look up sexual and emotional molestation and familiarize yourself with the actual definitions. There are usually quite a few examples and specifics so you can see where the specifics in your case line up.

Please note that the situation you describe may constitute grounds for her prosecution even if you were consenting depending on the laws of minor age and sexual conduct. Naturally though if you go the legal route it’s much harder to have a future relationship with your mother.

Lastly, you are not alone and this is more common than you think. It is a violation and sick in my opinion and has potential of causing lasting sexual confusion depending on the nature of things.

P.S. I hope for your sake it’s a big misunderstanding and your mother doesn’t know what she is actually doing, but you seem to already believe this is intentional.

| improve this answer | |
  • Thanks for answering. But is out of control now. She also intervened when I was seeing other women and caused many women to leave me. I'm alone and without job. And now after all of this am being attracted to her sexually. I don't know how to confront her and do whatever deal we make. – Prakash Joshi Aug 17 '18 at 16:27
  • 7
    @PrakashJoshi Ooooor this could be totally normal behaviour. I dont know from what culture you come but in my culture and also my family it is nothing special to see your family members naked. It is nothing sexual. For the massaging bit, as long as she didnt do anything else more violating i suppose she had back pain and her husband was away so you were the only person which could help her easy it a bit. Unstrapping bra from behind is nothing strange as well imho. As i said i dont know your culture but for some it is nothing special what you described :) +Please add your culture :) – MansNotHot Aug 20 '18 at 9:37
  • 1
    Please note that abuse is defined by someone’s voice/choice being violated. The fact that he is uncomfortable with the behavior is the point. If it’s cultural only then he would need to vocalize that and then his mother would have the knowledge to respect him. As it’s just the mother though and not other family and friends as well I seriously doubt it’s cultural. – mutt Sep 7 '18 at 11:02
  • Legal definitions are based on the core above, but are not the standard for relationship but for orderly society...which is why each country has different laws depending on culture. As this is the mother relationship this is not a general culture and legal question but relationship specific. – mutt Sep 7 '18 at 11:05

Not the answer you're looking for? Browse other questions tagged or ask your own question.