How can I ask my girlfriend to be my gym buddy without hurting her feelings?

Question

I've recently started dating a girl and we're an item, and are happy hanging out together. We have strong feelings for each other.

She is somewhat overweight (not hugely so but not at a healthy weight) and I am a little overweight. Although I do some exercise, usually playing squash and walking, I could still do with working out at the gym more. I would probably want to do mostly weight training, but I really struggle to motivate myself to go and let my gym membership lapse as a result.

I think it would hugely benefit both of us to go to the gym at least twice a week and I think a great solution would be for her to be my gym buddy. The trouble is I know she is extremely insecure about her weight to the point where I have had to convince her on multiple occasions that I am attracted to her because she assumed I am not, owing to her being overweight.

I think it would be good for both me and her to go to the gym regularly and I actually think if she got into it it would increase her self-esteem a lot and reduce the insecurity, but I fear that asking her to be my gym buddy would be interpreted by her as "I find you fat and ugly" which is not true at all. I simply think it is a good thing in general to keep fit. At the moment her lifestyle is quite sedentary.

So how can I go about asking her to be my gym buddy without hurting her feelings, and with a decent chance she'll say yes? I'd like to sign us both up together at the same time for a nice gym and arrange to go maybe 2 days a week to work out for an hour each time.

Answer 1

Make it about you and not about her. In other words, tell her that you want to go to the gym more often but have trouble getting the motivation, and it would really help you get there and work out if she would be your buddy and go with you. That should remove a lot of her anxiety and have her feeling good about helping you out.

I've found that it is much easier to work out when I know I have a buddy relying on me. I covered a lot of miles running through ice and snow and heat and rain solely because I didn't want to disappoint the person I was going to run with. You've probably had some similar experiences, even if it wasn't exercise, where you did something good for yourself because you were partnered up. Think about that and have that ready when you discuss it with your girlfriend. Again, making it about you having it easier to work out if she's willing to help out.

If your girlfriend is uncomfortable with her appearance she may not want to change and shower at the gym. For that matter, depending on the state of the gym shower, you might not want to either. You could say something like "might be easier for me if I changed and showered at home" and see how that flies. If she tells you no way she is leaving the gym sweaty and smelly, then you know that isn't an issue for her.

She may also be more at ease if you don't go full on with buying a long term membership right away. Maybe just do some day passes. I know the theory is that if you buy a membership, you'll feel compelled to use it, but if you are already stressed about going, that may add even more stress. And if you have several options for gyms, buying day passes lets you try out a couple of different ones till you find one that feels right.

Some of the other answers to this question say that the OP should not try to help his girlfriend with her insecurity about her weight and appearance, and that by doing so, he is "body-shaming" her. However, the OP says his girlfriend is extremely insecure about her weight, to the point where he has to reassure her that he finds her attractive. Her insecurity is a relationship problem. Exercising and becoming fitter is a well known way to increase self-esteem.

As someone who was the "fat kid" that was bullied in school, I can personally speak to this. A buddy helped me get an exercise program started so I could train for a 7 mile race. That turned my life around and completely changed my self image.

Answer 2

Instead of just going to the gym, try to find a physical activity you both will enjoy doing together.

Rock climbing is a great activity to get in shape, lose weight, and build confidence. If there is an indoor climbing gym in your area, I suggest you two go and check it out.

Or try to join an adult softball, kickball, soccer, etc. league.

This way, you're not saying "Let's go workout because we're overweight", rather you’re saying, "Let's go do a fun activity together that gets us up and moving!"

I do understand that she may be unwilling to partake in these types of activities due to her weight and insecurity (I have a friend who refuses* to go climbing because she doesn't want to be, "the fat girl").

To overcome these types of objections, I usually reply, "No one will really notice or care, they're doing their own thing" or I've even said, "everyone will actually be impressed because they know you have to work harder than them!"

Another thing brought up in the comments is that you both may find motivation to start going to the gym after partaking in these physical activities for a period of time. I've started going to the gym to work on conditioning to improve my climbing. I'm much more motivated to workout to improve my strength and ability rather than lose weight or look a certain way.

_{*I actually got her to go climbing last weekend and it went really well. She didn't feel uncomfortable and actually enjoyed it.}

Answer 3

For even lightly insecure people, a gym is a very intimidating place. Unless she want's to go herself and has expressed such a desire, you're unlikely to convince her to go straight to the gym. Been there, believe me ;)

You're better off asking her to join you on your outside routines first, walking, biking, etc. Then start preparing some of the meals on your plan.

Next, try some of your workouts at home. All you need is a few dumbbells or resistance bands. You can ask her to spot you then....try it herself.

When exercising isn't scary, the gym isn't too scary either.

Answer 4

Many people think that working out implies your current body is ugly; you want to break that idea. I think your explanation in your OP does a pretty good job; I wouldn't be afraid to just be up front and honest about it.

List of things I told my GF to convince her to train with me:

• there's nothing wrong with wanting to improve. I told her I like the way my body looks but still enjoy working out everyday and seeing how my body improves.
• because I workout everyday, and she often ended up waiting while I was busy, we would be able to spend more time together.
• it would be fun to have a hobby we could share and do together.
• I'm very attracted to her and like the way she looked (I've told her this many times)
• because she already looks perfect to me, it would drive me crazy if she improved herself even more

If I were you, I'd lead by setting an example. Don't wait for her to start working out! A gym buddy is nice, but don't 100% rely on him/her; that's setting yourself up for excuses ("can't workout today because x is not coming").

By the way, a strength-based routine is pretty unisex, so that could be fun to do together!

Answer 5

My mum (a professional preschool teacher) believed in offering choices -- never a choice like, "Do you want to wear a shirt today?", but rather, "Which shirt do you want to wear to school today: this blue one, or this green one?"

IOW she'd offer a choice between whichever alternatives were all acceptable to her.

Similarly your GF might like a choice -- and not just, "go to the gym!", but rather, "What would you like to do for exercise, healthy fun and games, with me? We could go jogging, cycling, swimming, go the gym, learn a martial art, take dance lessons, join a soccer team, (etc.)"

I'd like to sign us both up together at the same time for a nice gym

Instead maybe try different activities until you find one she likes.

Apparently even you don't like the gym; so...

Answer 6

On how to convince her, you might want to approach the issue on the fun way rather than the healthy one - tell her about the pleasant feeling soreness brings, how she'll feel she has more energy, how you're gonna spend more time together, committing on a common activity. Tell her that you need someone to motivate yourself, as you just told us. People are way more likely to go something good if it serves other rather than just themselves.

What I also found helpful to convince my SO to go to the gym with me is to subscribe to a duet formula - you pay for one, you bring a buddy - whoever they are, whenever you feel like it. These formulae are way cheaper than two regular subscriptions (and only slightly more expensive than one regular formula) so it'd make your girlfriend more comfortable and less afraid of wasting money (if that's something that bothers her).

Answer 7

Ask her out for ice cream!

That might sound flippant, but I'm not kidding. Point in case:

• A few friends and I decided we'd do park runs together on a weekly basis... we went once.

• A few friends and I decided we'd do breakfast together on a weekly basis, but do a park run first. Some of us have cleared 50 runs and are well on our way to 100; the others keep forgetting their bar codes (so the runs don't count). We run as a group chatting mostly supporting the slowest (after all the fittest can handle running for longer). If the route repeats whoever is tired can opt to skip the second round, but it happens rarely.

While the above is written quite tongue in cheek it is quite true and the rationale is actually quite solid. No one wants to go do a negative activity, but everyone one wants to do a positive one; more so after doing a negative one. So ask her if she'd like to do something fun, but mention that there is a caveat, namely before you do the fun thing you have to do some form of exercise.

There was a really good talk by Dan Arielly (a psychologist/economist) on how to motivate someone to do something they don't want to; in it he talks about how he motivated taking some form of medication that messed you up for the evening. I can't find it now, but it boils down to do something fun after doing something less so.

Consider both her and your point of view, would you prefer going to some gym or would you prefer a jog to the nearby coffee shop for a chat about your day and a big ol' piece of cake?

*Update : It, would appear that I hadn't explicitly tackled the insecurities of the girlfriend in my response, and this was deliberate. The implication I was aiming for in my answer was that by asking her to do something positive with you it indicates your interest in getting to know her, it improves the relationship, and bypasses her connotations associated with the gym. Saying "Let's have ice cream" bypasses any concerns about her/your physique. Saying let's exercise beforehand sets a challenge you both must complete to get a treat.

It turns the whole thing around from "I think you're a plump little duck let's hang out with mechanical devices and strangers to change that" to "Hey!! Fun idea, let's waddle to the pond and watch the willows and reeds sway in the wind as the sun sets". That is, let us do something crappy, hard and really miserable, but celebrate out accomplishments together afterwards, heck knows I need it, but I sure don't want to do it.

After all, the gym may be your end goal, but it does not mean it's hers. Taking it easy at first with some alternative activity lets you surreptitiously ease into an exercise routine and before you know it she gets keen on the fitness thing and asks if you'd consider gym after a few weeks.*

Answer 8

Allow me to challenge this one a little. You have decided, seemingly independent of her, that she needs to make a change based on your view of her body.

(Note: I'm a 300ish lb female-presenting human. I do work out now, but not to lose any weight, I just like the idea of lifting lots of stuff. That said, for years I didn't do a whole lot beyond walking (because I take transit everywhere), and was perfectly healthy by my doctor's metrics and could still do pretty much anything I wanted that didn't have a weight limit, like ziplining etc.)

You might not be happy with your body, and that's fine, its the meatsack you're stuck with, you're welcome to decide to treat it as you like. But assuming that because you think she's overweight, she needs to go to the gym and workout and change that, and therefore she has to be approached carefully so you can convince her to do what you think is right for her body seems...not entirely fair.

She's well within her rights to be upset and hurt if you tell her she needs to change herself. Just because she is overweight based on your opinions of what that looks like, doesn't mean it's actually something that actively needs to change - being of larger body proportions doesn't necessarily guarantee that she's not fit, or not healthy.

So perhaps, you might want to rethink this - you seem to want to find a way to spend time together in a more active sense, and that's a laudable goal, as long as both people want to do it. Has she expressed any interest in what you do at the gym? Or has she mentioned any other sort of "active" activity that you might better enjoy, because you're doing it because it's fun and not because you think she needs to lose weight, and therefore pushing her this way is going to make her miserable, and thus potentially resent not only the workouts, but you for making her feel inadequate because she has to do this?

I get it - we all want what's best for our partners, but we also need to realize that what we think is best for ourselves is not always best for others. She might have her own very valid reasons for being the size she is, or for not wanting to do the gym thing. You need to respect that.

Answer 9

I'm gonna go counter to the other answers; most are focusing on how to ask her to the gym, I'm gonna focus on whether you should.

I've been there: you love someone so much that it hurts to see them not take care of them self. More than once I've lost relationships because I pushed someone I loved against their insecurities and broke their trust. It's especially tricky when the person you love struggles with self-esteem because it's so easy to send them into a spiral of self-doubt.

You say:

She is somewhat overweight ... At the moment her lifestyle is quite sedentary.

I know you mean well and you're trying hard not to make this seem like judgment and body-shame, but is it? I suspect that if she chooses to see it that way, well ... she won't be entirely wrong.

Moreover, you are looking for ways to talk her into something that you suspect she won't respond well to. If she chooses to see that as manipulation, well ... she won't be entirely wrong.

As someone's been there, especially if there are self-esteem issues at play, you need to be really really careful around things that can be perceived as manipulative / judgmental.

I actually think if she got into it it would increase her self-esteem

Don't. It's not your job to think for her. As her boyfriend, your job, above all else, is to be her cheerleader not her coach. That's how she'll come to trust that she can be herself and tell you anything without fear of judgment.

Be comfortable with the person she is and find aspects of that to be genuine about celebrating. If she decides to take up a physical activity, celebrate and praise like crazy, but I would advise against trying to change her or manipulate her into it.

Answer 10

Make your invitation be about enjoying her company, not about working out. Tell her you like spending time with her and would enjoy her company if she felt like going to the gym with you. Word it as an invitation rather than a request, with a tone of voice and choice of words that make it clear that it's OK if she doesn't want to go. You are saying what you would enjoy (her company), and then giving her the freedom to make her own choice.

If she says no, or seems hesitant, tell her it's OK (and mean it). But you can repeat the invitation now and again, with kindness and sincerity and an utter lack of pressure.

This way you've removed the workout from the request. It's about spending time with her, and that time would be at the gym, but the gym is not the focus. The time you spend together is the focus. Overweight people have to live with constant judgement and with people trying to control their weight for them. By making your request be about spending time with her, you've made sure that you're not giving her the impression that you, too have fallen into the trap of trying to control her weight.

Another thing to keep in mind is that the relationship between exercise and weight loss is complicated and not clear cut. Exercising does not guarantee weight loss. See, for example: The science is in: exercise won’t help you lose much weight. There are many good reasons to go to the gym, of course--fitness is about much more than just weight. This is another reason to make sure that your invitation is only about spending time with her, and not at all about weight. If she does go with you, she may not lose any weight, or much weight, so make sure that weight is not the reason you are inviting her.

Answer 11

Take smaller steps.

First ask to go for a walk around the park, or to somewhere several blocks away. You don't want to take a bus, car, or your own vehicles; perhaps bike riding is OK, and a smaller step.

Second explain that you go jogging for half an hour on particular days, ask that she join you. Next tell her you jog for an hour on a different day, and she should come along; you'd really enjoy her company.

Next up is the gym, where it's a big step up and sounds like a commitment.

If she won't engage in limited healthy activity with you she's not going to go to the gym.

Sometimes the gym is too regimented and one must bear public scrutiny, this can be too much for someone whom is self-conscious and interference by others even when one is fit is often not well received.

Maybe you live in an apartment with a gym that is unused or there's a couples class for family exercise (that doesn't make it sound like you are proposing).

Don't make each step a big deal, and don't heap praise on her for accomplishing some goal. Don't take the enjoyment out of doing something useful together that you both want to do.

Answer 12

but I really struggle to motivate myself to go and let my gym membership lapse as a result.

If you just want someone to go down the gym with you, just try to find someone else who will go with you, it sounds like it would be a lot easier and less painful for both of you.

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If your objective is to make your GF lose weight, then stop and actually ask her if she actually wants to lose weight.

If she doesn't want to lose weight then don't try to force her to lose weight - accept her as she is. If you don't like her being overweight and you feel the need to change that then you might want to think whether you actually want to be in a relationship with her or not.

If she does want to lose weight but doesn't want to go down the gym then find a different way to do it. Pick a physical activity that you can both do and enjoy without thinking about the fact you're losing weight, or perhaps do something in private so she doesn't have to worry about a load of strangers passing judgement on her, e.g. get a rowing machine or a treadmill.

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I think it would be good for both me and her to go to the gym regularly and I actually think if she got into it it would increase her self-esteem a lot and reduce the insecurity

I'd be interested to know why you think this.

Insecurity about appearance doesn't come from being stereotypically ugly, it comes from fear of other people's opinions and fear of judgement by society for not being stereotypically attractive. Some people can look as stereotypically pretty as possible and still be insecure about their appearance. Often the best answer is not to change one's appearance, but to change one's outlook.

I qualify 'stereotypically' here, because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. People find different features attractive, i.e. there are people who find overweight people attractive and skinny people unattractive despite that not being the social norm.

So how can I go about asking her to be my gym buddy without hurting her feelings, and with a decent chance she'll say yes?

To reiterate, you can't make her go unless she actually wants to. You need to ask yourself "why do I want her to do to the gym?".

If the answer is "for health reasons" then make sure you're not jumping the gun, she might already be adequately healthy, often diet is a bigger contributor to health than how active someone is. If she is unhealthy then you still need to ask if she wants to be healthy (not everyone cares about their health), and if she does then the answer isn't necessarily the gym - you should consult a health professional.

If the answer to "why do I want her to go to the gym?" is "to improve her self esteem" then consider seeing a psychiatrist/councellor instead. Self esteem problems are usually psychological issues that won't go away just by looking stereotypically attractive. Even stereotypically attractive people can have self esteem issues, self esteem is a psychological phenomenon, not a physical one. Self esteem issues are typically created from a mixture of the internal problem having a negative outlook on life and the external problem of society being judgemental.

And of course if the answer to "why do I want her to go to the gym?" is "because she's fat" then you really need to reevaluate why you're in this relationship. Getting into a relationship and then trying to change your partner isn't healthy. The point of a relationship is to be with someone you like, not to find someone and then try to turn them into what you want them to be.

Answer 13

I would stay clear from the thought that you somehow know what is good/best for her or for you both and that you have to convince her.

Remind yourself that you are together with her, you are an "item". You are not responsible for her in any way. Feeling responsibility for the other is a sure recipe for disaster, since it introduces a kind of "power slope" between you and her - even if only in your own mind. Especially her body... that's her own responsibility for sure.

To your question: simply go to the gym and ask her to come with you. Forget about your weights, that is inconsequential (or even harmful). Tell her that you want to spend the time with her, that you want to have a common activity, that it is boring without her, that you would love to have the "buddy" factor, that being "two" would be huge for your own motivation, and so on.

Many people need artificial motivation to go to the gym, an easy one is gaming yourself with numbers (weights, duration, whatever). This works well for pairs as well, you can get a healthy competition going (not for absolute numbers, i.e., who can raise more weight, but to cheer each other on when, not if, motivation goes away).

Don't even mention weights. If she mentions that she is to overweight for going to the gym, then handle that (make her aware that most people in a gym don't care a bit about other people, nobody will think bad about anyone, you yourself are overweight too, and so on).

All of this assumes that there is even the slightest chance that she would actually enjoy the activity. If you already know that she does not like the general idea of gyms (i.e., the actual sport activity that is done there), then don't bother. In that case, just go on your own, enjoy it, and be done with it. Remove any rankling feelings about missing an opportunity to help her or something like that. You are not her daddy...