I feel stupid for asking, but I need a third party.

I have recently been looking back into the religion of my youth and I've decided it's something I want in my life. This would mean a few things, but the one in question is not having sex before marriage. I've been sexually active for years and it's something I've enjoyed, but not as much as most people. I am willing to give it up for the next few years.

My girlfriend/fiancée (no date, just decided we want to get married at some point) does not feel the same. When I expressed to her my interest in this religion, she was a little shocked, but asked me to tell her about it. I brought it up early on that it would mean no more sex for now, which she didn't like but essentially said she's willing to wait for me. However, now it's been a few weeks and she is very irritated and said she won't be happy in the relationship unless our sex life goes back to normal.

I would do anything for her, so i told her i would. I'm not very comfortable and it's not something I want, but I feel like I should for her. I feel like it's my fault, but I'm also sad because I feel like she isn't willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy, which i am willing to do for her. Is that a valid feeling? Did I make the right choice, or should i try expressing it to her again?

A little more information: we're both in our early twenties and have dated on and off for about five years. We live separately.

P.S. please feel free to close this question if I posted it inappropriately.

  • 4
    Hi, welcome to Interpersonal stack exchange. I fear your question is primarly opinion based and thus, isn't a good fit here. However, a valid question would be more like: "How do I express (again) to my SO that I don't sex before marriage?" or "How do I express to my SO that having sex before marriage make me really unconfortable?". If you feel that one of these questions fit for you, please edit your post accordingly. – Ælis Aug 29 '18 at 4:11

There are always two parties in a relationship. You need to find some kind of compromize to make you both happy.

You have had sex in the past, didn't enjoy it much and want to abstain untill you are married.

Your girlfriend has had sex in the past, enjoyed it and doesn't want to abstain untill marriage, but she did for you for several weeks and is now frustrated.

Either no sex at all or 100% sex is not a compromize.

First, I advice you to be brutally honest with yourself. If you were married to this woman, would you enjoy the sex more than you do today? If not, you are just delaying the sex. Marriage is supposed to be "till death do us part". Will you (both) be happy with each other or will there be fights over how much sex you have?

Then think about the things you are and are not comfortable doing, both personally and for religious reasons. Think of as many different categories as possible. Sex is more than "putting object A into slot B". Do you like cuddling and kissing? Giving and receiving backrubs or massages? How much intimate contact would you allow and what would you categorize as "sex"? Are you ok with pleasuring her with your hands or toys instead of using your genitals? Is there anything missing in your current intimate relationship that you need or miss? Make a list of all these things.

When you came clear to yourself it's time for a serious conversation. Tell her what you categorize as "sex" and what kind of contac you would allow. If it's more about personal reasons than religion, tell her exactly what you like and don't like about sex and whether or not this was an issue with other women as well or just her. The list you did in the previous step will help you a lot here.

If the conversation isn't constructive because you feel awkward and ashamed speaking about it, or because your girlfriend didn't have time to collect her thoughts, interrupt it. Make a date (maybe in one week) when you plan to continnue the talk. Let your girlfriend make a similar list and exchange the lists, then explain to each other what is written on them. This makes very intimate confessions easier.

Don't write anything into stone. Make it clear that you can discuss the result of this talk and find a different compromize. If one of you has a new idea of what to do during sex, talk about it beforehand and say whether or not you are willing to try it.

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