TL;DR: There's this girl I really like, who is apparently not interested in me, since I've already made a move on her without any luck. Nevertheless, I've decided not to give up and make one more effort to try and win her over. I want to prove my worth to her/impress her and make her think it over. How should I handle the situation this time? How should I approach her? Text her? Only in person? Which kind of attitude would be my best chance?

And here comes the long story. It's been like 4 months that I'm in to this girl. Most of the guys I talked to, do find her to be attractive but in my eyes, she's like a goddess, extremely beautiful. I'm 99% sure she's single, we live really close to each other but don't know each other a lot on a personal level.

In the beginning, I didn't even have the guts to talk to her because I thought I stand no chance with her. At some point, I realized I had to take my shot and approach her even though it seemed kind of pointless. I started talking to her both in person when I got the chance as well as texting her a few times and she would react really calm and cool about it (not excited though) , smiling etc, being kind of friendly as if we knew each other for a long time. But that was smalltalk she was just trying to be nice.

As soon as she realized I like her, it didn't go well (as I expected) and I already regret that the way I expressed myself was pessimistic without any confidence at all and said some things that might have scared her away. When I asked her out, she read the message but didn't respond anything at all. Then, I had to tell her everything through text e.g. "I really like you a lot and have been thinking about you for a while, even though I have no idea if you're even attracted to me I want to get to know you better and just had to let you know how I feel to get it out of my system." Nothing vulgar or bad about it, but I do understand it was too much overwhelming for her and I blew it. Anyway, that happened 6 weeks ago, I got no response to any of this, so I get what it means and tried to stop thinking about her or meet someone else, but it didn't work. I went out with another girl but couldn't enjoy it or get my crush out of my head.

Having said that, I recently changed my mind and decided not to give up and try to approach her once again. Even though I'm well prepared for one more rejection, I feel like I have nothing to lose, so I might as well follow my instinct. Since then, I've only texted her once on her birthday with an honest and beautiful wish for her birthday when she actually did respond typically "thank you, blah blah bla". Other than that, I bumped into her twice outside and both of the times I acted all chill as if nothing happened, I even teased her a little bit, she was laughing and later I got away, no pressure, it was not awkward at all.

These days I changed my profile picture and she hit the like button, which was so unexpected for me. Obviously, that doesn't mean she likes me, but it definitely means that she's ok with what happened, not trying to avoid me or terrified with the way I approached her back then. I mean like, if you really despise someone or think that he's creepy and you're fully aware that he's attracted to you, would you do something like that? Would you "like" his picture or act normal and smile when you see him outside? Probably not... It doesn't make sense, I almost feel like she's playing with my brain. Like she wants me to pay attention to her again because she is enjoying it even though she has no intention of going out with me.

Anyway, I have no idea what went wrong, I just assume that she doesn't like my face/style/appearence or just was afraid to be open to someone she doesn't know well enough, or I didn't handle it right or maybe she doesn't want to get involved to any trouble because we have a lot of common acquaintances in the neighbourhood or she has her mind on someone else, or she wanted to be single for the time being during summer or a combination of all these assumptions. Either way, I know it's almost a lost case already and it's irrational from my side to keep going after her, but unfortunately that's how I feel, so please do not give me any advice to stop spending my time on her, I already know that I should and tried it without succeeding. By this point, I just want to try once again to win her over. I need a way to surprise her or impress her, do something she wouldn't expect from me, make her have a second thought on me and maybe make her consider me as an opportunity if that's possible. I just need to improve the situation.

There's a local event in a few days that I know she will attend and if I go there, most likely I will see her in person again and have the chance to talk to her. Should I wait for this? Or text her anytime e.g. tonight? And what am I supposed to say? I want her to feeling comfortable with whatever I do, not to put any pressure on her like last time. Thank you for reading this long text, what would you do in my position?

  • It seems like you answered the question in the title with the description in the tl;dr. Do you really want to know if giving it another try is a good idea or do you want information on how to do that? – Stijn Sep 6 '18 at 19:47
  • Exactly I just need information on how to do it, I know it doesn't make much sense to go for it again, but I can't help but feel this way and I have nothing else to lose, that's why. – Paul Smith Sep 6 '18 at 20:04
  • hey Paul, we'd be more than happy to help you figure out how to go about something once you decide what it is you want to do. However, "What should I do" is a bit too broad, and attracts a wide range of opinions. If you can edit your question to ask a specific interpersonal goal you'd like to accomplish, I'd be happy to cast a reopen vote. Thanks! – Jess K. Sep 6 '18 at 20:07
  • Hi Jess, thanks for your answer. I have decided what to do, and sorry if it's not clear what I'm asking. I am going to talk to her but I'm specifically asking if you think it's better to wait to see her in person or text her right away. And I'm also asking advice on how to come up with a topic/attitude that will make a good impression or make her interested. – Paul Smith Sep 6 '18 at 20:35

I'll start with the answer to "What would you do?"

I would leave her alone, and I would move on.

I'm glad you typed all of that out, because I can say this for sure:

She rejected you, and pressing her to 'win her over' will only make her uncomfortable. She's made it clear that it's unwelcomed, and her silence to your advances says more than her words would. She doesn't need to give you a reason, and you even asking would be unfair for her. She probably knows you mean well and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Next time ask to hang out, get to know the person, and move up to asking out on a proper date. You don't start by telling someone you don't know that well how much you want to be with them.

There is no 'winning' someone over if they don't respond to your advances - you win them over when they are interested in you. If they aren't interested it's harassing someone. Life isn't a Disney movie or a rom-com. One text of "Hey, wanna hang out sometime?" could go either "No" or "Yes", but spilling how you feel doesn't leave her with much to say if she doesn't feel the same way or even know you have those feelings.

At the social event - ask her to hang out. If she says no - don't continue to persue her.

If this doesn't pan out for you, here's some future advice - just ask a girl on a date without burdening them with your expectations and infatuation. You can't possible have real feelings for someone you don't know, but just asking them to hang out or go on a date is enough so you can get to know eachother. If they say no - move on. It isn't important why - you respect the answer and move on. Obsession is unhealthy, and you have to recognize it isn't her - but your idea of her.

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    Thank you for your advice. I agree with most of this and I already know it works exactly like this, but sometimes it's easier to say it from the outside. Right now, I'm still not over her, that's why I can't force myself to stop thinking about her and I need to do whatever it takes, just one more effort to talk to her I don't mind if we just hang out like you say. I have nothing to lose and sometimes people change their mind. In fact, a friend of mine admits that she decided to go out with her current boyfriend only after he was persistent enough to get her, and she didn't like him at first. – Paul Smith Sep 6 '18 at 22:27

You say,

we live really close to each other but don't know each other a lot on a personal level.

Which is difficult because you asked a school friend you don't know that well out on a date via text message. Ideally you would have talked on the phone quite a bit before this, or known her a little more personally prior to asking her out in person.

Lets forget the semantics for a second. You got her phone number somehow (hopefully she gave it to you in person versus you gleaning it off social media like Facebook). Since you wrote additional texts of angst and regret you should own up to all those texts.

My advice is to apologize in person for asking her out via text and also for the subsequent texts where you angst/apologized because you put her on-the-spot. For example,

"Hey ______, I'm very sorry about all those texts- you know which ones. I think I put you on the spot. Anyway I'm really sorry. If you want I can stop contacting you or just be friends."

I think you're main problem is therefor solved because you or obsessing over the non-response. She will respond in whatever manner, you just have to accept it. Be prepared for either a positive or negative response, but play it cool. Be nice and considerate before, during and after the apology.

One thing I advise against is living life through social media and text messaging. You should strive to talk to people in person (or on the phone) and stay off of social media because studies show these result in depression and obsessive behavior which are not positive traits.

You don't mean it but following her around can be interpreted as stalking, or an obsessive personality. You should only attend events that interest you, not because your crush is attending.

People are less willing to date someone who exhibits obsessive behavior. You have to find an outlet for your energy, such as sports or hobbies. For example, I have a friend that hunts/fishes and plays guitar. He's not a master guitarist or anything but he can play some simple chords. People who try to learn and try out new things are generally happy people. And people like making friends and dating happy & interesting folks.

  • Thanks for your answer Zorkolot. I never said that I prefered text messages. Actually, the 1st time she got an indication that I like her was in person when I accidentally ran into her. But then I had to keep the conversation going, so texting was the only way. Additionally, I'm not going to apologize to her or to anyone for the way I feel. Neither did I do it on purpose, nor am I hurting or forcing anyone with this. Lastly, I don't get why you assume I have depression or social media addiction. I do have an interesting job, work out, have friends and hobbies, go out, but that's irrelevant. – Paul Smith Sep 6 '18 at 22:36
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    Really the best you can do is apologize for your behavior if you feel bad about it. I point out social media because your post indicates she liked your photo on facebook and it turned your day upside down. The obsessive comment was based on your wanting to go to an event solely because you knew she would be there. I'll definitely stand behind my statement that you don't form a relationship mostly off text messages then expect to ask someone out via text message. If you can't talk to someone on the phone or in person confidently then don't expect them to accept a date via text message. – Zorkolot Sep 6 '18 at 23:13
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    To clarify, I never said to apologize for your feelings. I said to apologize for the text messages. You can feel whatever you like as long as it doesn't inconvenience others or put them into difficult positions. – Zorkolot Sep 7 '18 at 0:15
  • It doesn't look like you're able or willing to see my point of you. Thanks anyway. I've decided not to send anything at all. When we see each other at the event I'll try to be relaxed, funny and confident, ask her to have a beer together (there will be lots of drinks) and hang out for a while like Viking suggests. If she's up for it and the miracle happens and she seems to be interested, that would be my last attempt to make up for it. Otherwise, Ill just find a way to stop caring and pursuing her, because honestly I don't want to reach the point of harassing her. – Paul Smith Sep 7 '18 at 9:13
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    As for now, it's already been a month and more, I'm not going to mention anything about that whole thing and I'm not going to apologize either. I'll just try to spend some time with her, make her laugh, feel comfortable etc, but only if she's OK with it, if she makes me feel that my presence around is unwanted, I'll just walk away. – Paul Smith Sep 8 '18 at 9:46

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