How to resolve conflict when neither spouse concedes?

Question

For reference, my significant other and I are in our early twenties. We have been married for less than a year.

We argue frequently- nothing too toxic, no swearing (which is offensive in our culture), no mimicking or name calling or physical violence. Unfortunately, some of these disputes are difficult to resolve and we are both fairly stubborn. Many of the arguments center around fairly inconsequantial issues. For example, one evening, my s.o., who we will call Taylor, approached me right before we left the house with the following:

T: Could you turn of the bathroom light since you were the last one out?

M: What do you mean?

T: The bathroom. You were the last one in.

At this point, I realize Taylor is right, I did walk in the bathroom after they left. However, I didn't do anything in the bathroom (just glanced at my reflection). As I thought about it, I became confused: why did my s.o. leave the light on? What reason did they have to believe I would be the last in the bathroom? Basically, I started feeling really bothered because their actions seemed petty and hypocritical.

Additionally, I try to generally leave things the way I found them- I don't turn off someone else's light, just like I don't throw their half-eaten meal in the garbage. So it's challenging for me to see how Taylor can justify saying I should have been the one to turn off the light.

I try explaining this, but Taylor remains convinced I'm wrong. We move on, but later that night the same issue came out but we didn't move on that well and just stopped talking for the day.

This is a recurring theme: I feel like I'm being logical and that I'm right, and Taylor is convinced I'm wrong. No amount of talking makes either of us change our minds. I want to make up, but I don't believe I'm wrong. And sometimes, Taylor refuses to move on unless I say I'm wrong. I don't feel comfortable lying, but in these scenarios I'm unsure what I can do.

My question is fairly simple: how can I resolve a conflict when we both want to work it out but are both still convinced we were right in the first place?

Answer 1

how can I resolve a conflict when we both want to work it out but are both still convinced we were right in the first place?

Ironically, your answer is in your question.

Avoid being "convinced" you're right.

You have to remember that in a marriage (or any relationship in general), when conflicts arise, the mindset you adopt should be you and your spouse against the conflict instead of you against your spouse.

It seems that these issues are symptomatic of another problem - neither of you seem willing to concede in an argument. This isn't a very healthy way of conflict resolution.

No amount of talking makes either of us change our minds. I want to make up, but I don't believe I'm wrong. And sometimes, Taylor refuses to move on unless I say I'm wrong.

Perhaps you should not discuss merely this issue, but the trend that you have noticed in conflicts you two have had. Just as you have reasons for your beliefs, I'm sure your spouse has reasons for choosing to not move on. Try to discuss and understand each other perspectives, as cliché as it sounds, and avoid thinking that you have to be right and the other party has to be wrong to move on (this applies to both of you) - interpersonal relationships are much more complicated than right and wrong - and be objective: what is the issue here, and how do we resolve it as a team?

Answer 2

However, I didn't do anything in the bathroom (just glanced at my reflection).

Do you realize how childish you sound? Someone has to turn off the light at the end of the night. You really want her to get out of bed and do it because you didn't meet some self-determined standard of doing enough in there?

Additionally, I try to generally leave things the way I found them- I don't turn off someone else's light, just like I don't throw their half-eaten meal in the garbage.

Do you realize how childish you sound? This doesn't sound scrupulous, it sounds lazy. Are you 100% sure that she never ever cleans up after you, ever? My guess is, she, at least sometimes, sees a mess of yours, and cleans it because it's the right thing to do.

Adults realize that it's much easier to have a little bit of flexibility to be willing to do thing that aren't 100% your responsibility. If you both behave this way, it's more efficient than both of you ignoring things that need to be done because it's not "your" problem.