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I met a person online. Both of us 35.

After some conversation, I asked him the kind of books he prefers. He told me that he reads dark books which I won't like. I guessed "crime/ghosts", he said no. Then I got curious to know what does dark mean and asked him to give example. He told me he likes "Penthouse forums" and reading about the sadistic side of humans. One side dominating the other vulnerable one in sexual terms.

Some time later he asked me to tell him my dark side. Then he asked me to tell him the wildest thing I have done. I asked him if he has asked in reference to the books he reads. He replied he knows I am not too sexual since I usually talk about specifics and sexuality is not black & white etc.

How to respond to someone who wants to know my dark side and wild things that I have done when I don't understand what he wants to know exactly?

Moreover, when someone asks and tells such things what does it usually mean? What should be expected from such people and conversations?

We are from India. India has a conservative culture regarding females and wild things (whatever that means).

closed as primarily opinion-based by Ælis, sphennings, user6109, Tinkeringbell Sep 26 '18 at 13:27

Many good questions generate some degree of opinion based on expert experience, but answers to this question will tend to be almost entirely based on opinions, rather than facts, references, or specific expertise. If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

  • Comments are not for extended discussion; this conversation has been moved to chat. Please avoid extended discussion in the comments. Use the linked chatroom for this purpose. Comments added below this post will be deleted. – A J Sep 24 '18 at 10:23
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    How to respond > What would you like your response to achieve? Answers are more likely to help you if you let us know what you'd like to achieve. The second part is also primarily opinion based, we can't look into a person's head and tell you what they expect/mean... What help are you looking for, with your Interpersonal Skills? Have you already replied something or not at all? – Tinkeringbell Sep 25 '18 at 6:55
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It sounds like he's laying his kink cards on the table early. This may seem agressive, and perhaps foolish, but it boils down to:

"I'm into these kinds of things sexually, what are you into?"

He's coming across as aggressive, either because that's a part of his kink, or because he's looking for a purely sexual relationship, or because he's relatively inexperienced and doesn't know better. He's looking for someone who's into the things that he's into. There's nothing inherently wrong with that. Some tact would probably help him, but some people prefer the direct approach. (Different strokes for different folks.)

Effectively he wants to know if you're a kinkster, and/or if you'd like to to explore that with him. If you have an interest in BDSM and are interested in discussing it with him, go for it. If not, then don't.

As an aside...

There's a really very diverse bunch of folks who identify as "kinky" the vast majority are perfectly normal people, who just like particular things sexually. The overwhelming majority are not mentally ill, deranged, or dangerous in the slightest. In fact one could easily argue that affirmative consent was common in the kink community years, if not decades, before it reached mainstream culture.

(Of course there are weirdos in any group, just saying that like any group the weirdos are the exception and not the rule)

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    To add to your answer, from my own experience a lot of people with more unusual lifestyles and/or kinks either conceal it completely or own it and bring it up more often than is necessarily appropriate. The narrative OP describes seems in line with that second option to me. It's also worth noting that just because a person has a particular kink doesn't mean they don't have others to play with. There's no reason not to explore a relationship with someone just because of one kink they have. Just be clear what you're comfortable with and they ought to respect that and stick to your comfort zone. – Ruadhan2300 Sep 25 '18 at 9:22
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    "either because that's a part of his kink, or because he's looking for a purely sexual relationship, or because he's relatively inexperienced" - Or maybe it's a matter of practicality? If this is important to him, it's probably hard to find a partner, so being forward will save them both a lot of time when she's not into it. – BlueRaja - Danny Pflughoeft Sep 25 '18 at 18:39
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I can only tell from my experience (means my answer is based on my own experiences and should be only linked to them. I don't mean it at a general rule).

When men start talking about topics like that, they usually want to push the conversation into sexual ways to get arousal from it. Common next step is to send/ask you for explicit images and stuff like that.

Getting a question like this early on by a random stranger over the internet is creepy and it doesn't matter if he belongs to any community or not. From my experience, most people who come up with such questions early on are creeps and want to shift the conversation in sexual ways.

It's worth to mention that sadism != murder and that not all people who asking questions like this are creeps or have bad intentions.
But coming up with a topic like that early on is most likely a creepy sign in my opinion.

My advice is to stay away from those people (unless you want to talk about stuff like that) and block them, if possible.

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Short answer to your question of how to respond: never respond to a question that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Getting to know someone does involve asking them questions. In fact if someone talks more about themselves than they ask about you, something isn't quite right. But there is another extreme, and I think you are seeing this here.

This person wants you to reveal specific things (eg "dark" thoughts, or something sexual) rather than asking you open questions. They are not showing an interest in your likes and dislikes - they are trying to lead you down a very specific path, and that is a form of manipulation. Do not fall for it!

I don't think this has anything to do with your country or culture. I am very concerned that this man might be looking for someone else to share his "dark" side with. If you really have no concept of what that means, the question you should really be asking is not "what does that mean", but rather "do I really want to know??"

I do not intend to demonise anyone who claims to practice such things as your online friend does. What is most concerning is that this person is evidently hoping to find someone interested in these things outside any "community" that exists for those involved in such practices. I would describe this as a form of "grooming".

Again, not judging the personal preference of others, but personally I do not feel "grooming" of any sort is a sign of an equal, loving relationship; rather a form of manipulation designed to "soften" someone to something they would otherwise have found abhorrent if presented to them with full transparency. If what your online suitor has hinted at is not your personal preference and you do not wish to get pulled into that world then you should consider severing all communication and putting measures in place to protect yourself.

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    Please remember to keep things civil and follow our Code of Conduct. If you'd like to discuss this answer, please use chat. Comments are only for requesting clarification or suggesting specific improvements. Comments which are simply disagreeing with this answer will be removed; please read this meta post for more information. – Em C Sep 25 '18 at 14:25
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    I've deleted yet another bunch of comments, arguing about semantics. In addition to what EmC already stated, I'd strongly advise everyone to not start arguing semantics again. If you disagree with the answer you can downvote. Asking someone to fundamentally change their answer isn't 'suggesting an improvement' and it's not what comments are for. – Tinkeringbell Sep 26 '18 at 13:18
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He told me he likes "Penthouse forums" and reading about sadistic side of humans. One side dominating the other vulnerable one in sexual terms.

It sounds like this person is a sexual sadomasochist. This is a fetish that involves sadistic (causing pain/humiliation) and masochistic (receiving pain/humiliation) fantasies. It is only done if both parties consent and both parties enjoy the idea. If the idea scares you or you are not into the same things, you are completely free to break off the relationship. There is never a reason for you to get yourself into something you do not feel comfortable with! It is a good idea to tell them you are not interested, and break off communication. If they are an honest person, they will leave you alone.

There are two kinds of sadomasochism. There is sexual sadomasochism, and there is non-sexual sadomasochism. The sexual kind is not uncommon and can even lead to healthy relationships. The non-sexual kind is a disorder where people afflicted have an urge to hurt people (or be hurt themselves), and do not necessarily feel remorse doing so. This kind is dangerous. Many abusive relationships involve this kind because the people affected cannot tell or do not care how another person feels. They will not be honest with you enough to tell you what they like.

Sexual sadism and dominance/submission fetishism involves a wide range of activities. It can be anything from sexual torture (whips, bondage) to humiliation.

Moreover, when someone asks and tells such things what does it usually mean? What should be expected from such people and conversations?

It usually means that they are looking for someone with similar fantasies; someone to be the yin to their yang. It's likely that he wants to know if you have any kinks (unconventional sexual practices), or perhaps do not even know that you do. This is very possibly the reason they were so straight forward with you. They did not want to waste your time building up a relationship that would not be able to last. Paradoxically, his direct honesty is a good sign. People who do want to exploit or abuse someone will not tell you of that fact beforehand. Instead, they will pretend to be perfectly compatible with you and gain your trust. They will ask you what you like and will always happen to enjoy the same thing. They will seem to be "perfect", without any flaws, yet will try to guilt you into wanting to be with them. Those kind of people, regardless of their kinks or lack thereof, are the true abusive characters.

It is true of all communities, including the BDSM community, that there are people who are violent and do not care for another person's welfare. Those people are not worth being with as they will only form toxic relationships. You should know the warning signs of a toxic relationship regardless of the kind of person you are with. From what you said in your question, this person is not displaying any warning signs:

  • They are being straight up with you about what they are into.

  • They are not threatening you or trying to guilt you into anything.

  • They are trying to learn from you to see if you enjoy the same things they do.

He replied he knows I am not too sexual since I usually talk about specifics and sexuality is not black & white etc.

BDSM does not need to be sexual, although that is a large part of it for many people. Someone expressing that they are non-sexual or not particularly sexual may still be open to the topic. This does not mean you should pursue it if you are not interested, of course! If you are, go for it! If you aren't, he should respect your decision.


I need to stress that, while it is very likely that this person is not harmful, it is always possible to meet someone who will become genuinely abusive!

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From my personal experience, (and generalising massively) those with a kink or two tend to fall into two broad categories...

Those who understand what they want, and what others want and try to find some consensual way to play out their fantasies. This group tends to consist of the most open, considerate and emotionally mature people I've met.

The other set seem to be those who like the idea but haven't really though through the implications / how to handle the situation appropriately. This group can be well-meaning but potentially dangerous.

The fact that this is coming up in conversation early-on seems like a positive sign (far better than in the bedroom while holding up a pair of handcuffs), but I'd take the bluntness / lack of subtlety as a potential warning sign (either inexperienced or insecure).

Fundamentally, you need to ask yourself what you want out of this. If it's something that interests you, you're curious, or just willing to try something new then this might be worth taking further.

If the idea doesn't appeal, now is a good time to say "thanks, but no thanks".

Interestingly, how that refusal is handled will likely give you some insight into the personality you're dealing with "Ok, pity, would've been fun" implies someone who respects your position. Something less understanding might again be a warning sign. If there's any anger / resentment, I'd suggest walking away.

If this person is serious about their kinks and knows how to play properly, you would be in safe hands. Unfortunately, that's not an easy assessment to make, especially over the internet.

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Irrespective of the culture, the age and the gender, I wouldn't continue to converse with the other party if I am frightened with such questions.

How to respond to someone who wants to know my dark side and wild things that I have done when I don't understand what he wants to know exactly?

Stop the communication, after clearly telling the other party that you don't like to answer such questions. If he still continues to contact you via SMS (as you mentioned in a comment), contact the local police or consult a lawyer for further help.

Moreover, when someone asks and tells such things what does it usually mean? What should be expected from such people and conversations?

It could be anything. Wild guess is sex, money, or just for fun by ruining other people psychologically.

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I would like remind, that on internet nobody knows if you are really a panda. That means, even if the person told you something, it may, or may not be true.

And the reasons after this questions may be different - from seeking someone similar, or just curiosity, to even be harmful to you - if you reveal and of what you think as "dark" or "embarrassing" (or your friends/mom could think so), the person can it use against you, usually to say or reveal more and then take control over you (blackmailing to send such information to your relatives openly on internet or anything else, if you do not as they command you) - which is bad, as you do not know, who the person really is (trust me, it is not hard to play online person of different gender, age, personality, ... so well, that everyone would fell for it.

It is really easy, even using fake account to make your personal friend (in real life) to trust, that he/she communicate with somebody totally different). So any "secret" that was told you may not be true at all, it is, that you will be trading your real secrets (that can hurt you) for something, witch just look like "secrets" but are totally fictitious and just made so you would trade for them.

I would just respond "I have no dark dark side or weird thoughts, which I would like to speak with you about"

(and no, that does not imply, that you even have any such things)

If the other person insist, that you should reveal them, I would close communication totally.

But it may be also, that the other person is just curious and mean no harm, if the response would be like "OK, so sad, I hoped to know you better, but lets talk about something else" than it may be ok. I maybe would chat more with such person, just be more careful, to not say anything possibly compromising me, or even anything making me more easier to find personally/online.

(As you mentioned, people around you may you make big problems, if somebody would spread wild thinks about you (supposing you are female from India and not Panda after all)) :)

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