My wife and I have known each other and been good friends for around ten years, but only got together four years ago. Fast forward to today we are married, have our own place and a 2.5 year old son.
We only recently married, but our relationship has been solid for the most part with a few hurdles here and there which seem natural enough, but I've noted a couple of times that I'm being held at a different standard that she isn't holding herself to.
We've had this discussion about a number of topics like work, children responsibilities, free time management to name a few. However since I'm only focusing on a few cases regarding the opposite sex and we've had few enough instances where that's been an issue so I'll preface those.
The first time was when we've been together for around a year, we were living together and she was pregnant. She asked me to fix something on her laptop as I'm tech-savvy unlike her.
Due to her broken touch pad (sometimes it went crazy for a second or two) I miss-clicked and found myself in a folder which contained pictures send by Viber which I didn't know she had and that seemed a bit sketchy, but what really got my attention was a picture of her ex carrying her bridal style in front of a bed you'd assume right before intercourse. Now I won't say I felt good seeing the picture, but being an adult I understand that she's had previous relationships and so have i, and then I saw that the picture was sent 3 days before we got together which made me feel uneasy.
I should mention that my previous relationship which lasted more than three years ended pretty badly with me finding out she had cheated multiple times, had at least two relationships ongoing relationships while she was with me and it left me with trust issues, something I had discussed at length with my now wife.
So at this point my reaction was to check her messenger, something I hadn't done until that point since I never felt I had a reason to, but I was having a "Oh no, not again" moment and I found out they were still talking frequently in a very friendly matter, which seemed odd considering she told me he abused/beat her and that if I ever lay a hand on her she will immediately leave me. During their conversations I noticed that he often talked about sex, not with her per se, but she didn't seem to mind it either way.
My next reaction wasn't very adult-like, but I just left the laptop as it was - showing that I had read the conversations and seen the picture, went to a friend's place and had a couple of beers while not picking up my phone. The reason I did this however was because I knew I was affected and probably angry so I had to clear my head before talking about it.
I didn't mention a thing to my friend, but was thinking about it the whole time and tried not to jump to conclusions, before she had the opportunity to explain so after feeling I had cooled down went home to talk.
She explained that she doesn't use Viber anymore, that's why I didn't know about it and she can't control when someone sends something and asked if she wanted to stop talking to her ex - to which I replied yes, though looking back at it I probably shouldn't have asked. She told him that they can't talk anymore emphasizing on the part that I don't want them to and that kind of hurt me, not because it wasn't true, but the way it was said and the response was him insulting me for being a "pussy" to which she only sent smiley emojis.
In the end we agreed that I overreacted, moved on and this hasn't come up ever since. She also removed all of her password-saving on our laptops so I cannot access anything on my own.
I won't go into this much detail with the times she has confronted me with those kind of issues, but in my eyes they were ridiculous at best.
Being friendly over messenger with my female cousin who I've spend my childhood with (she didn't know we were cousins)
Playing an online game with a group of people, one of which happens to be a girl (it's a 5 vs 5 game), which I've never met, and we were planning a meeting since we (me, wife and child) were going to be visiting their (the four other people, girl involved) town and wanted to do a real-life meetup since we were playing quite often at that point. I essentially had to cut all ties with those people, which subsequently killed my desire to play the game at all.
Getting hints (which I'll admit I totally missed) by a girl online, to which I didn't reciprocate anyway as she was helping me with a part-time work assignment and that was entirely where my conversations with her were aimed at. This is from the current year so it shows that she is still digging through my messages, but I don't mind it all that much if she feels more secure, it's still a bit insulting that she doesn't trust me though.
Recently got a new job in a small firm and although she seemed uninterested by my new office/male colleagues she had a mild reaction when she found out that I had a female colleague as in she asked a bunch of questions like "is she good looking" "how old" etc..
Meanwhile in the last couple of months at her work she is constantly asked to travel with her boss/supervisor who is the one who got her the job there. He has been nothing, but good to us, getting her that job which is extremely niche and has only several positions in the entire country, not to mention it's been her dream job for as long as in know her. I have only good feelings regarding this person and feel grateful for the opportunity he has provided her.
As of late she has needed to travel quite frequently for the conferences from work as well as, because she is working to get her master's degree and the speciality she needs is not available in our city. I don't mind the traveling in itself, but she tags her boss with her even when it's not entirely necessary e.g few days ago she went for her thesis defense and he joined in because she needs moral support/help to prepare.
I want to emphasize that this is not about trust. I don't suspect that she is cheating, but I'm somewhat annoyed because knowing her if I brought it to light as something that's bothering me she would probably ridicule me as she always does when I so much as hint I might be jealous, even though I imagine if the tables were turned she would most likely go batshit crazy.
So my question is how can I get my wife to see that she is holding me to a higher standard than she holds herself?