He is uncle of my good friend, very elder to me and family man also. I am surprised with his unexpected demand of sex. I want his guidance but not at the cost of fulfilling his worst demand. How can I interact?


My friend has introduced me to her uncle for the purpose of some guidance help. I was speaking normally and respectfully with him. But after some days he started manipulating me by saying 'I love you' (through phone), started virtual sex, he used to send kissing symbols through WhatsApp and asked me where shall we go and how will we manage further meetings and all. I know this manipulation is all for sex. I was shocked (and my feeling was of humiliation). I was quite aware of the fact that he is a married person and father of 2 daughters. I had talked with my friend on the phone and told her all the things about her uncle. But I was again shocked because she blamed me for the incidence. I mean, she blamed me that I might have attracted him. I have again surprised because in college and for 3 years she and me were together in the same room and very good friends. She knows me very well that I never did anything other than study in my college days. And how could she blame on me. This incidence has broken our friendship. She blamed it on me. It means that now, she doesn't trust me. So, I don't want further communicate with her (as I think if she wants she will contact me whenever she will feel).

The Problem

The uncle is very elder to me. He manipulated me in a very polite way (so that I could not understand his hidden aim). But I was aware of the fact. I am not at all interested in him for sex. But I want guidance. (Sometimes I think that why to take guidance from such worst person). But then I thought that let us keep my principle as it is and make changes into strategy. But what strategy of interaction can I adapt so that he will stop behaving like this.


Now, the main issue is I want guidance from the uncle but not at the cost of sexual relationship....

How to interact with the uncle in order to stop him from behaving like this?

Notes and Clarifications

  1. I don't want to communicate with any of my friend
  2. I don't want to sleep with him
  3. I was thinking to explain all the matter with his wife, but thinking upon this.
  4. I don't want to give trouble to my family members
  5. He may be thinking that he has all career achievements means he can sleep with anyone he likes.

So, after recognising that this man has sexually harrassed you, abused his position as an older authority figure over, and shown himself to be untrustworthy by desiring to cheat on his wife, you still want "guidance" from him? You don't say what this "guidance help" is, but I am presuming it is some kind of tuition or something that will help you in the next stage of your life/career.

It is very difficult to answer your question as asked - how to still get help from this man - when nearly everybody who reads your account will be totally disgusted at his behaviour. My natural inclination is to tell you to get as far away from him as possible and have no further dealings with him. There is no excuse in any culture for what he has done or tried to do.

As you may be aware, the media right now is absolutely full of "historical" cases of sexual harrassment and abuse, many of which were committed against young women by older men who in some way had a measure of control over their careers, for example young actresses who were coerced into sexual activity by film directors and felt they couldn't say no in case it hurt their future prospects. The point to remember is that in many of these cases the young girls did go along with the coersion at the time but are speaking up about it now because they have spent so many years troubled about it, some to the point of blaming it for long-term mental health problems.

Because we aren't here to tell you what to do, the questions you have to ask yourself are:

  1. Do you really need this man's help so badly you are prepared to put yourself in danger?
  2. Would you be able to ensure your safety in his company?
  3. Could you live with the potential damage to your emotional and mental health for the rest of your life if something preventable did happen to you?
  4. As he has already blamed you for the exchanges that took place, would further contact with him not damage your reputation and your friendship with his neice?

If you can't answer all these questions positively then seek the help of someone else you can trust.

If and only if you can be sure of those things and you absolutely insist on getting help from him, could you complete your exchanges remotely, for example entirely by email? If so, keep your emails completely professional and do not address anything inappropriate he may raise so that your emails can never be shown to anybody else out of context.

If you must be in his company to receive this help, take a chaperone every time you meet, or meet in a public place.


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