So there's this girl I was dating back in may I matched on Tinder. I was over that pretty quickly and I still don't have any romantic interest in her. At the time we were dating (and I'd bet long before that) she seemed to have a lot of personal problems, like anxiety and stuff like that. That's also the reason why we really couldn't get in touch romanticly at all. One time she even had something I' describe as a panic attack when we tried to go to a little festive (which she asked me to go there with her). I was really worried.

After our 3rd date she told me she can't date me anymore, she got so many problems going on in her life and doesn't wanna involve me into that. Haven't heard a single word from her since then. We "broke up" peacefully, I wished her the best for the future because I saw what she was going through while we dated. Broke up might not be the best expression to use, we casually dated for like 1,5 months. Nothing really happened physically.

Found her Instagram a few days back randomly and was wondering how she's been and if she feels better now. Again, I don't want to date her again or something. That's over. I just felt like a little voice in my head telling me to message her and ask how she's been. I don't got her number anymore, so my approach would be right on her Instagram

How can I do this without it being pretty awkward?

  • If you think she is still suffering from anxiety etc., how do you suspect she would react to being contacted by an ex-bf after months of total silence? I don't ask rhetorically; it might help in answers to know if you think contacting her will be to her benefit as well as your own.
    – user8671
    Commented Sep 27, 2018 at 10:10
  • @Kozaky Im not her ex-bf. We were casually dating and nothing really happened physically. Just to clarify this. I know "broke up" wasn't the best expression to use, my english vocabulary is not that good.
    – Suimon
    Commented Sep 27, 2018 at 11:00

2 Answers 2


Having had personal contact/friendships/relationships with people with anxiety and/or depression (usually both), I can assure you that from their perspective social interaction can be very difficult at times, but also something they crave at the same time.

Try to approach her as a friend, not an ex-lover

This means expressing that you care about her and want to know how she is doing. Since you mentioned there was no bad blood between the two of you, I do not see anything stopping a friendship.

I would recommend you ask her how she's been. And that you follow up with asking about specific issues she mentioned while you were dating.

No flirting, nothing ambigous, just plain honest care.

If you established contact and had a conversation, you could meet up for a coffee or something. Very casual, just a simple, nice hug for the start and see where it goes. See how much she is willing to share. If she blocks entirely, it is better not too keep poking, though.

A side note:

In my experience, girls with an anxiety attack can not "be helped". What you can do, what makes it significantly better from their perspective, is hold them. Whether it is a romantic/sexual partnership or just a friendship.
The anxiety will not disappear, but it will not be as bad as if no one (they trust) was there at all. (The trust is a necessity, though.)

Sometimes being there for her is all you can do and the only thing that makes it more bearable, even if it does not remove the anxiety.


I think it's a valid question; she broke up because she was/is going through a lot of personal problems and felt that she needed to focus on herself, because relationships take up a lot of emotional energy.

Reaching out with a friendly "Hey, I just saw you on Instagram and thought I'd catch up with you; how's life? :)" is fine as long as she also wants to engage in conversations.

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