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So I met a girl on a dating site. We were talking a bit for few days. But last Saturday, both of us were feeling down, so we decided to meet for a walk on our first date, and later we went to my place, and cuddled (no sex), and fall asleep together.

I think she liked me and probably want a proper relationship. But I felt I didn't like her that much, mostly because of her personality (I find her very different from me, and not the type of person I am looking for). She is also bit bigger than me (in weight), so that also a partly reason.

I want to ask her to be friend (even just platonic) because both of us suffer from loneliness, and together we can help each-other in a foreign country (both of us are expats).

How do I ask her if she like to be just friends without hurting her feelings. I have no good excuse that won't hurt her. Good chances are I will make her feel insecure about her weight.

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    Important distinction : does "feeling down" not mean blue, melancholic, not very energetic et.c.? I've heard some different versions. Just thought a clarification could be useful. – mathreadler Sep 28 '18 at 20:36
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If she is interested in you romantically, you can not make her your friend without hurting her.

You did not specify how well you know one another, but I am guessing not that well. Then it is not that bad, as it is unlikely that she is truly in love with you or something like that.

Honesty without being rude is the way to go.

Try to be honest and direct about how you did not feel a spark to fire up a relationship, but you did like her and would want to spend time with her. This will, of course, hurt her a little if she wanted your relationship to go further than just friendship.

The important part is not talking around it and make it sound like a "maybe", but to be direct. If you give her hope that you are going to crush later, you are being cruel. It is important not to give false hope.


There are two basic ways this can go down:

  1. She is hurt and does not want to spend time with you - If that is her reaction when you are honest and friendly, it was unavoidable that her feelings got hurt.
  2. She is a little hurt, but likes you enough to want to meet you in the future again.

@JackAidley pointed out, that there are two more options I completely forgot about:

  1. She feels the same way and is glad of the outcome
  2. She's actually just not interested

In those options her feelings are not hurt, though.
Option 4 would then only potentially hurtful to you, depending on your stance on things.


You need to steer clear of mentioning her appearance

If she is likely to be insecure about her appearance, do not mention it at all. If she wants you to elaborate on why you do not want to be with her, talk about how you think your personalities are not compatible for that. But it would be best to avoid that, too.

Make it clear that you like her and would like to spend time with her.


A personal note:

I would recommend not to start anything sexual in a situation like this, if she agrees to being friends. I she suffers from loneliness, too, as you said, then it could help her, but it could also turn into a dependency thing or an almost-relationship (which would be similar to giving false hope).

The only way I see something sexual being okay is if there is in-depth communication about what both of you want from the relationship and find an agreement. That is the best way to prevent hurt feelings on both sides.

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    How does "Honesty" combine with basically "don't tell her your reasons?" – lucidbrot Sep 28 '18 at 13:56
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    @lucidbrot because telling reasons can be hurtful to others (even though it doesn't mean they are lacking something) – Michael Jackson Sep 28 '18 at 13:58
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    @lucidbrot Honesty and being open about everything are very different things. Honesty means that you do not lie and you are direct. It does not mean going into detail. – ArtificialSoul Sep 28 '18 at 14:47
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    There are a 3rd and 4th option you've excluded which, in my opinion, are decently likely: (3) She feels the same way and is glad of the outcome, and (4) She's actually just not interested. – Jack Aidley Sep 28 '18 at 17:59
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    @Davor - what you're saying is that to be honest should override tact and that to be honest we should disclose everything without regard to other people's feelings. That is absurd. One can be honest whilst filtering oneself. – HomoTechsual Sep 29 '18 at 15:58
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I would be honest (as friends should be honest with each other) with her and say that while you do not see yourself getting involved romantically with her, you would love to be her friend because you enjoy her company. You do not have to mention that she is heavier than you; just point out that you are looking for someone more like yourself personality-wise. Then just ask her how she feels and take it from there.

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