3

I (F 20) have a close friend (M 21) that hasn't been responding to any of my texts for about three weeks. The last time I saw him was at a party at a mutual friend's house three weeks ago. I don't recall anything out of the ordinary happening at the party that would explain why he's not responding. Usually, he's not great at responding but usually responds eventually. I would estimate that only 10% of my texts went unanswered. But I've texted him 10 times in the past three weeks with no response. I texted him pretty mundane things about sports, or sent him memes, in line with usual conversation that we have. I also texted him to make plans twice, and even called him but he didn't pick up.

About two weeks ago, I texted a mutual friend of ours to ask if she'd heard from him since it was weird he hadn't responded to me. She was actually with him at the time and I asked her to ask him if he was mad at me or something, and he apparently said that he wasn't, that he loves me and is just bad at responding. But he still hasn't responded since then.

I haven't ran into him in person since the party, but it's possible I will because we go to the same university and have some of the same friends. But there's no routine event I'll see him at or anything like that. However, I'll most likely run into him within the next couple weeks.

How can I ask him if there's a reason why he's ignoring me? And if I do, should I try it over text or just wait until I see him in person?

  • 2
    Are you looking to prevent this from happening again and to let him know next time he should warn you if he's not going to respond? Are you looking for just an apology? Or are you just curious why he hasn't been responding? – scohe001 Oct 1 '18 at 2:49
  • @scohe001 Mostly just see why he isn't responding. Like see if he's mad at me or something. – zanahorias Oct 1 '18 at 3:38
7

How can I ask him if there's a reason why he's ignoring me?

Don't. Or at least not over text. You've already sent 10 unreplied-to messages. Another one is not going to make it more likely for you to get a response.

I too am terribad at responding. For me, as the number of messages I need to reply to grows, the likelihood I'll reply shrinks.

If I do, should I [...] just wait until I see him in person?

Here's where things really depend on what you want out of this and how you see your friendship. Regardless of what you're looking for though, I'd steer the conversation to the texts by referencing one of the jokes/memes you sent:

That reminds me of that one meme I sent you where ____ was ____! Did you see it?

He might apologize for his lack of responses then and there if he's caught on from the texts with the mutual friend. This would allow you to gauge his reaction and act accordingly. If not however, how you bring it up may depend on your goal. For me though, I'd try to suss out how he feels about being texted that much by asking if this is something he wants.

After you've seen the meme conversation to it's conclusion I'd bring up the lack of responses like:

Speaking of memes I sent you, I feel like I totally bombarded your inbox with a one way conversation these last three weeks! Should I stop sending you so many?

And then from there you could gauge his reaction. But again, this all depends on what you're wanting for the friendship.

3

It seems to me that the more intense the ignoring you part gets, the more likely it is that he's emotionally involved in whatever made him feel like distancing himself from you. He doesn't seem to be ignoring you because he doesn't care but because he cares. If that's the case, it's probable that he wants peace to clear his mind. There's nothing you can do to accelerate the process but there are things that you can do to make it easier for both of you.

First, here's how I interpret the situation:

  1. He distanced. It doesn't matter "why". When we disconnect is mostly because we're overwhelmed by something. (We disconnect when there's something so annoying that we can't stand it, we disconnect when something hurts so much that we can't deal with it, etc). Plus, we've stated that he cares. When we care, emotions are amplified.
  2. You're in distress too. Inside that distress, you can't empathize with him (as he can't empathize with you inside his overwhelming whatever), so you're in a loop of not understanding each other. There may be other signs of what happened in his version of things and you may be overlooking them because of the extra focus you're applying on the discomforting situation.
  3. He may not even know how you feel.

Find your own peace. Try to focus on yourself for a few days. You'll get clarity. You might see things you didn't before. You may understand a little how he feels. (Just to state an example, try to imagine how you would feel if you wanted space and you were being constantly invaded to be interrogated about why you wanted space. We all have different responses but he has made clear that pushing for answers will not accomplish a positive one).

Maybe the best way of showing that you care is respecting that distance for now by not asking him for explanations.

If after that, you still want to reach out, you can try a more neutral method, like a letter. Write how you feel and how important it is for you to recover the friendship and let him assimilate all you've said.

He'll come around when he's ready.

  • what if sending letter also did not worked ? – karthik shankar Oct 8 '18 at 7:37
  • This goes beyond the scope of the question ("How can I ask him if there's a reason why he's ignoring me?"), but if you mean that it didn't work because there is no response, it would seem to me like a clear statement from him of not wanting to engage in that discussion for the time being. It really depends on what you meant by "not worked". – Aurinxki Oct 8 '18 at 13:03
  • Instead of sending many texts, letter and making phone calls to him, she can directly meet him in his place and clarify the actual things that is gone wrong between both. So that there will be a conclusion about this matter. She already waited in the pain for many days hoping that he may get back to her. If once she tries to talk with him directly, she will definitely get a conclusion about this and she take her decision and move on. – karthik shankar Oct 8 '18 at 13:33
  • As I said, it depends on what "not worked" means. For sure, the ideal would be to discuss it in person, but both parts here are affected and even if she wants to meet, maybe he doesn't (why would he, if he doesn't even replies messages). I personally believe that the priority is for both of them to feel calm enough to have that conversation and he has given signs of needing space (maybe I'm reading too much into this). It seems to me that pushing him to have a discussion that he doesn't want to have would not be benefitial for either of them at this moment, as both would be defensive. – Aurinxki Oct 8 '18 at 14:08

Your Answer

By clicking “Post Your Answer”, you agree to our terms of service, privacy policy and cookie policy

Not the answer you're looking for? Browse other questions tagged or ask your own question.