How can I approach my friend about why he's ignoring me?

Question

I (F 20) have a close friend (M 21) that hasn't been responding to any of my texts for about three weeks. The last time I saw him was at a party at a mutual friend's house three weeks ago. I don't recall anything out of the ordinary happening at the party that would explain why he's not responding. Usually, he's not great at responding but usually responds eventually. I would estimate that only 10% of my texts went unanswered. But I've texted him 10 times in the past three weeks with no response. I texted him pretty mundane things about sports, or sent him memes, in line with usual conversation that we have. I also texted him to make plans twice, and even called him but he didn't pick up.

About two weeks ago, I texted a mutual friend of ours to ask if she'd heard from him since it was weird he hadn't responded to me. She was actually with him at the time and I asked her to ask him if he was mad at me or something, and he apparently said that he wasn't, that he loves me and is just bad at responding. But he still hasn't responded since then.

I haven't ran into him in person since the party, but it's possible I will because we go to the same university and have some of the same friends. But there's no routine event I'll see him at or anything like that. However, I'll most likely run into him within the next couple weeks.

How can I ask him if there's a reason why he's ignoring me? And if I do, should I try it over text or just wait until I see him in person?

Answer 1

How can I ask him if there's a reason why he's ignoring me?

Don't. Or at least not over text. You've already sent 10 unreplied-to messages. Another one is not going to make it more likely for you to get a response.

I too am terribad at responding. For me, as the number of messages I need to reply to grows, the likelihood I'll reply shrinks.

If I do, should I [...] just wait until I see him in person?

Here's where things really depend on what you want out of this and how you see your friendship. Regardless of what you're looking for though, I'd steer the conversation to the texts by referencing one of the jokes/memes you sent:

That reminds me of that one meme I sent you where ____ was ____! Did you see it?

He might apologize for his lack of responses then and there if he's caught on from the texts with the mutual friend. This would allow you to gauge his reaction and act accordingly. If not however, how you bring it up may depend on your goal. For me though, I'd try to suss out how he feels about being texted that much by asking if this is something he wants.

After you've seen the meme conversation to it's conclusion I'd bring up the lack of responses like:

Speaking of memes I sent you, I feel like I totally bombarded your inbox with a one way conversation these last three weeks! Should I stop sending you so many?

And then from there you could gauge his reaction. But again, this all depends on what you're wanting for the friendship.

Answer 2

It seems to me that the more intense the ignoring you part gets, the more likely it is that he's emotionally involved in whatever made him feel like distancing himself from you. He doesn't seem to be ignoring you because he doesn't care but because he cares. If that's the case, it's probable that he wants peace to clear his mind. There's nothing you can do to accelerate the process but there are things that you can do to make it easier for both of you.

First, here's how I interpret the situation:

1. He distanced. It doesn't matter "why". When we disconnect is mostly because we're overwhelmed by something. (We disconnect when there's something so annoying that we can't stand it, we disconnect when something hurts so much that we can't deal with it, etc). Plus, we've stated that he cares. When we care, emotions are amplified.
2. You're in distress too. Inside that distress, you can't empathize with him (as he can't empathize with you inside his overwhelming whatever), so you're in a loop of not understanding each other. There may be other signs of what happened in his version of things and you may be overlooking them because of the extra focus you're applying on the discomforting situation.
3. He may not even know how you feel.

Find your own peace. Try to focus on yourself for a few days. You'll get clarity. You might see things you didn't before. You may understand a little how he feels. (Just to state an example, try to imagine how you would feel if you wanted space and you were being constantly invaded to be interrogated about why you wanted space. We all have different responses but he has made clear that pushing for answers will not accomplish a positive one).

Maybe the best way of showing that you care is respecting that distance for now by not asking him for explanations.

If after that, you still want to reach out, you can try a more neutral method, like a letter. Write how you feel and how important it is for you to recover the friendship and let him assimilate all you've said.

He'll come around when he's ready.