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So it's been 4 months since we started dating. I'm aware that she is insecure and jealous but it has been going worse since we started dating. At first she started complaining about me hanging out with my female friends so I gave up on that for the sake of our relationship.

She then started getting mad over likes and followers on Instagram. I tried to help by removing people whom I don't really know but this did not help and she just kept getting mad when I like my female friends pictures.

I'm writing this because today we had a big argument and I really do not know what to do. We were in a resturant with an mutual friend. Our friend wanted to switch places with me in order to take a picture. So as I was sitting I glanced at the table in front of us. There were 3 girls whom I barely noticed. I did not even look at their faces, it was only a 1 second glance. She got so mad over it and said that I am a disgusting man who checks over girls.

Similar arguments also happened just because I looked at the girl who was passing by. It's important to say that I do not do that all the time and I do it indiscriminately whether it's a woman or a man.

I feel like walking on eggs. I'm always thinking about things that I should not do in order not to make her angry. I'm consciously forcing myself not to look around because it makes her feel bad, yet nothing seems to work out.

How can I assure my girlfriend that looking at other people does not question my faithfulness towards her and that I am uncomfortable with her getting jealous?

I love my girlfriend and I really want to fix things.

Thanks

  • Also, this question may help you regarding that Instagram issue. – avazula Oct 4 '18 at 16:25
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    @OP regarding your last sentence "I love my girlfriend and I really want to fix things.": How many girlfriends have you had? How many girlfriends have you felt that you loved? (I'm asking because when I was young (early 20s) I had an abusive and violent girlfriend whom I loved deeply; and it was only years later that I realised I didn't love her like I thought I did at the time, and that I should have split up with her two years before I actually did. This realisation had to come with experience, unfortunately, as I wouldn't listen to my friends' advice... But such is life!) – Aaron F Oct 10 '18 at 14:08
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    How does your GF knows that you "like my female friends pictures"? I am not familiar with instagram too well, so maybe she spends a lot of energy, following your every step online, which might be point of discussion as well. – aaaaaa Oct 10 '18 at 22:32
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Red. Flag.

Tell your girlfriend to - in no uncertain terms

  1. Stop being an abusive spouse.
  2. Apply the same trust towards you as you afford her

This one is optional, but would help

  1. Get therapy. Anger management / Abandonment fear sounds reasonable but I am not a psychiatrist.

Her behaviour is completely antithetical to progression into a trusting intimate relationship and needs to end or else you will never have one. You cannot force her, teach her, coax her - But you can tell her that you do not appreciate her behaviour - and if and only if she is willing to set a target situation where number 1 and number 2 is met - then try to create a roadmap towards that. (And I being a cynic would require number 3 as well, but your mileage may vary - it may be a part of the solution). Start with small things, practice them, master them and then do larger/more complicated things.

If she is not willing or do not listen, then well... I'd advise you to end the relationship, but I am just a bystander. You'll have to set your own borders.

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    3 needs to be item 1 – WendyG Oct 10 '18 at 12:38
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In short

Her possessiveness may eventually destroy your relationship if you let it. Do everything (as suggested below) to make changes in your partner that allow you to overcome her harmful feeling.

You can do following things, (You love your girlfriend, So surely You can do these things for her)

  1. Make her aware of her controlling behavior.
  2. Make her feel loved and enhance her sense of self.
  3. Do not respond with anger. Be patient. Possessiveness can’t be cured overnight.
  4. Show her a brighter and a more beautiful future.
  5. Explain to her that trust is an important aspect of a relationship.
  6. Work on her past. Try to discover the root of the insecurity. (If one's parents have set a bad example it's likely they could be following it) (You can take professional help)

Your Question -

How can I assure my girlfriend that looking at other people does not question my faithfulness towards her and that I am uncomfortable with her getting jealous?

It means, She tries to control your behavior. Any kind of controlling behavior in relationships is a clear sign of insecurity. When the feelings of jealousy or insecurity come into relationship then it can cross the line from love to possessiveness. This insecurity comes from fear of rejection.

Reason

It is very likely that she has a great lack of self-love and self-confidence. She feels that she “need you” in order to be happy, safe, secure, and successful.

Try every points as suggested above. Wait for few days. The changes in her behavior will take place slowly.

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