I recently met a girl on a night out when we were both quite drunk, and, having liked her I began texting her every now and then. After a few days, we decided to go out for some coffee.

Now, when we met up I realised pretty much instantly that I wasn't really attracted to her at all (i.e. I don't enjoy her company much), and that I didn't want to go ahead with anything, but it was clear that she thought otherwise.

This is where I screwed up. Instead of texting her to let her know that I enjoyed the date (even though I didn't, it's just mean not to) I didn't contact her again. Worse yet, she mentioned to me a few times that she has had bad experiences in the past, and that they have lowered her self esteem. I feel like I have now contributed to that.

Today (the second day after our date) I saw her walking with a friend. I waved and smiled, and she did the same back, but it was clear that she seemed quite sad. I then saw her later in a corridor alone, where we again exchanged smiles, but neither of us said anything.

I now feel awful. I know I screwed up, and I know it's affected her. How do I go about fixing this, and how can I make sure it never happens again?

  • This is certainly a tough situation, but we need more information to help you- Can you tell us whether you have decided to approach or text the girl again or not? We can't tell you what to do, but we can help you achieve an interpersonal goal. The two questions you have are pretty broad, and will most likely be put on hold until you narrow it down to a goal of something that you want to communicate to her.
    – ElizB
    Oct 8 '18 at 0:46
  • This seems quite broad/unclear right now - what does "fixing this" mean to you? Do you just want to apologize for not texting her after the date? Do you want to befriend her? Something else?
    – Em C
    Oct 10 '18 at 2:49
  • @EmC I want to do whatever it takes to clearify to her that it was not her fault that this didn't work, and that I was acting like a d*ck in this case, she did everything right. Oct 11 '18 at 7:00

I disagree with Eveleen's answer. This might just lead to a more awkward time later. I think what you did was nearly correct.

I once had a very similar situation, and I was direct and ended it by saying that things just don't work for me both as friends or lovers. While this was harsh at first, I felt much better after a short while. And it is just the most honest thing to do. Why should you waste your and her time with small talk pleasantries if you know you won't go deeper? Better a little emotional pain now but less later.

Just apologize for not writing her and state the reasons, e.g. I am not feeling/seeing a future together, something along those lines but with a bit more tact.

  • 1
    I offer one embellishment. The OP did not make the girl feel bad; that was a choice she made for herself.
    – EvilSnack
    Oct 10 '18 at 4:48

Tough situation.

Out of your question I understand the fact that you do not enjoy at all her company not even as a friend since you decided to end things so easily. Am I right?

Since she told you about her past experiences, that means she thought of you as been different. And you might be, since you feel like that after deceiving her and after seeing her.

My advice is to text her out of the blue, like right now, asking her about her day and try not go into a deep conversation, just keep it casual. Or better, tomorrow or next time when you see her, approach her and ask her how she is doing, and have a small talk. Make her offer you an answer better than 'ok' or 'fine' by answering to her: and you(how you doing?) with a more complex answer than hers.

You don't have to tell her you don't like her or that you don't like her company, since she doesn't act crazy as you guys are something more, but you can't avoid or ignore her either. It is not nice, and you might end making her feel worst about herself. Just have a chit-chat/small talk with her about her day or something and act natural. She might be way to polite and respect you decision of not contacting her, but at least she deserves an explanation or something more than just an smile and a wave.

If things get complicated and she starts wanting more from you, after the small talk just tell her in a nice way :

I care about you, but as a simple friend. I like having talks with you from time to time, but I can't share your feelings. I 'd like to know that whenever we see each other we can salute and ask each other 'what's new?' without being in an awkward mood. I know it all started as a flirting talk, but somehow down the road I realized I am not prepared yet.

Sometimes being frank might hurt, but in time she will appreciate way more that sincerity than being ignored. And after all she might not like your company either, she might just liked talking to you when she felt like being alone. You can't never be sure about something and you can't assume either that she might be a hurting and bad state/mood right now. But you can still be a nice human being and put a smile on her face by just : asking how she is and really listen and mean in.

Like Simon Sinek once said in an interview- whenever you ask someone : how she/he is? you are obliged to sit there and listen and care, otherwise just don't ask if you are not interested at all.

That's what I am saying, if you really care at least and you don't want to make her feel weird about deciding not to talk with her anymore and if you want to feel free about that guilt just act natural and go towards her saying:

Hey! How are you?

****PS:**** In life, you don't have to apologize to anyone for not returning their feelings or simple not liking her/her company(you can't please everyone), buy you have to apologize for being weird and cut all the chains with her out of the blue or at least try to not ignore her whenever you see her. Since you are feeling awful you really have to free yourself from that guilt and straight things with her. And I can assure you that the Universe will take you somewhere where you will see her again really soon if you want that.

Best luck!


Don't apologize. Don't talk to her. Don't dwell on this situation in any way.

Based on what you said, she understands and is aware of what happened. Therefore I would advise you to be polite, make yourself rarely seen for a while (if you run across her frequently) and learn not to be impulsive when involved with alcohol or women or both.

You both got burned due to your impulsiveness and the best recourse is to not make it any worse.

Not the answer you're looking for? Browse other questions tagged or ask your own question.