2

I'm sorry to give this exhausting question, but I want to be sure I state every important detail. This question has 2 parts, both, I feel, have something in common.

To give some background about myself, I am a big extrovert - it's quite okay for me to just start talking with girls at train and go out with them to be friends later on. I am now at university and while on college, I have friends next door which I visit every day when I am alone in my dorm room (mostly because I am just not a type of person who feels comfortable to be alone for more than couple of hours). I am a programmer - programming since 11, now being 22. 119 IQ points in Mensa test. I am not afraid to ask and I like to know the details. Any problem bugging my mind is bugging me until I get to know the answer.

It all started at elementary school already. I was really not afraid to ask - for most of the other students - stupid questions. For me they didn't seem stupid because I see many perspectives the thing isn't clean in. The same was at high school - aimed at IT & Programming. Now, as on university, being in a hall of 300 other students, I am really trying to hold back before asking anything.

I've had a very good friend of mine, who then stopped seeing me for some reasons (not exactly sure about all of them), but one of the reasons she stopped to like me were "You ask too much questions, its sometimes annoying" or "You try to detailize things too much". I am currently being with a girlfriend for 2 and a half year already and it's sometimes happening with her too. Why does almost nobody understand my need to know things? And why is this happening to me? All the thoughts that I considered were me being

  • seeing the problem from many perspectives, making me analytical, open-minded (maybe a lot connected to my programmer thinking?), maybe a good sign of intelligence?
  • not being able to get what others say - maybe low EQ, low empathy?
  • just too dumb to somehow interpret the answers and reading between the lines?

Here comes the second part. Let's say I have a female friend on the same university as my GF. When my GF tells me a story about that friend hurting her feelings, I always try to see it from another perspective and show it to her (that correlates a lot with the way I think over things), in which, for example, I say something like "I don't think she meant it as bad as you heard it. Couldn't she mean it <<<{this}>>> way?" The response is often something like "Why do you always defend her like this? Why are you never on my side?"

I am really trying to be supportive as much as I can, and when she's down and is driven by her emotions I just try to rationalize the behaviour more than just agree with her. Is it just better to shut the mouth and agree with my GF even I know she could be wrong and it potentially worsens the relationship with this specific person?

closed as off-topic by Arwen Undómiel, sphennings, Ælis, Jess K., Kaspar Scherrer Oct 24 '18 at 12:14

This question appears to be off-topic. The users who voted to close gave this specific reason:

  • "Asking "What should I do?" is off topic. - Questions should ask for help achieving a specific goal. Your question is asking for personal advice on "what to do" without defining a goal; this is too subjective. Edit your question to explain what you hope to achieve and how you would like to interact with the others involved." – Arwen Undómiel, sphennings, Ælis, Jess K., Kaspar Scherrer
If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

  • 4
    Unfortunately, this question appears to be asking “What should I do?”, which the community has determined to not be a good fit for Interpersonal Skills Stack Exchange. We can’t decide for you what to do; after you determine what you want to do, we can help you with your goal, but we can’t make these decisions for you. Sorry. – Arwen Undómiel Oct 24 '18 at 11:58
  • 1
    Hello Martin. and welcome to IPS! Most of your questions cannot be answered here as they are off-topic. We don't know why nobody understands you, as we don't know you and we certainly don't know everybody else you refer to. We also can't decide what you should do or what is 'better'. The only answerable question here is in the title, about how to support emotional girlfriend. The question-body would need quite an edit to better reflect this single question. See What topics can I ask about here? – Kaspar Scherrer Oct 24 '18 at 12:09
  • @ArwenUndómiel i actually maybe just wrote the title wrongly. I more likely want to know if I am weird or the opposite. Question body itself doesn’t ask what should I do about my overthinking. – Martin. Oct 24 '18 at 13:18
  • @Cashbee I know you can’t know why somebody doesn’t understand me, that was just a sentence to share the feelings I have. I through don’t think the question is hardly off topic, I just wrote the title wrongly. I don’t ask what to do in the question itself. I just need to know if somebody things the same way and what it probably signalises – Martin. Oct 24 '18 at 13:29
  • 1
    @Martin. This stack requires questions to have a clear goal which can be addressed through interpersonal skills. As written the question seems like you are looking for validation about your behaviors, which satisfies neither of those. Editing your question to explicitly show what goal you want might get this reopened. – Upper_Case Oct 24 '18 at 16:18
3

I can relate to your story very much. I am also geared to analyzing / problem solving and also a programmer professionally.

What I learned, over the years, is that sometimes in private situations I kind of got the "problem" definition wrong.

When your girlfriend tells you somebody hurt her feelings, the problem at hand is not how to improve future interactions - the problem at hand is healing the ache.

Think about about it this way: If she jammed her finger in the car door, she needs a band aid, not a lecture about how to use a car door. She probably learned that lesson herself already. If she keeps struggling with car doors, she will probably come to you and ask you to explain them to her.

You need to learn when she needs emotional support vs "technical" support. With my wife I sometimes simply ask: Do you want a solution or do you want to be comforted?

I also learned to take a step back on helping, for that same matter: Sometimes achieving a mediocre result yourself feels better than having someone else help you achieve an outstanding result.

So TLDR: Listen carefully and make sure you understand the real problem - only offer a solution if asked to. It also makes you a better Programmer in the end ´cause getting the requirements right is already half the job

Not the answer you're looking for? Browse other questions tagged or ask your own question.