How can I signal to my friend that I'm open to talking about their obesity?

Question

I have a close friend of several years who is overweight. I've been reading and thinking about the issue of obesity and how invisible it sometimes is - how difficult to discuss and yet how emotional and important to those affected.

I would like to signal to my friend that I'm open to talking about it anytime. My goals are this (in order):

1. Be a listening ear. Provide a space to vent or talk.
2. Offer emotional support.
3. Offer practical support if they want it.

I'm not staging an intervention. I'm not trying to say their obesity is a problem. First and foremost I want to be available and safe. If they would like help making any practical changes (such as discussing nutrition, exercise, or accountability) then I want to provide that. But it's not my goal.

My friend has never brought it up for extended discussion. They will say things like "I've been trying to make exercise a habit" or "I'm cutting back on (some food/beverage)." They seem somewhat comfortable with the topic but have never discussed it at length with me.

How can I communicate that I'm willing to support and be there for them without implying there's a problem to be addressed?

Answer 1

There is no graceful way to raise the subject of obesity. Almost anyone who is overweight has had a lifetime of friends, family, acquaintances, and random strangers making sometimes well-meaning but often hurtful comments. That doesn't make for an easy conversational introduction.

As for your friend, do you provide them emotional support for other issues? If so, you might add something like "do you think your weight is a factor in that?" -- but be careful. Obese people know damn well that their weight is a factor in romance, education, job interviews, etc.

If they would like help making any practical changes (such as discussing nutrition, exercise, or accountability) then I want to provide that.

Are you actually qualified to discuss these subjects? (From personal experience, it's really tiresome to get dieting advice from people who know less about nutrition than I do.)

My friend has never brought it up for extended discussion. They will say things like "I've been trying to make exercise a habit" or "I'm cutting back on (some food/beverage)."

Do you think that your friend is honestly trying to be healthier and lose weight, or maybe are they feeling social pressure and shame so they make excuses and claim they are trying? (Losing weight is really really hard, and most people who try it fail. The 5% of people who count as "successful" at losing weight include those who keep weight off for a few years before gaining it back; a lot of overweight people have gotten discouraged about even trying.)

Here are a few things you can do to be supportive:

1. Suggest fun activities that include physical exercise within your friend's capabilities.

2. When you are out together or with a group, make sure that there are healthy choices available -- and that means go to a restaurant that serves tasty nutritious food everyone can enjoy, not a restaurant where most people will enjoy a rich meal and a few people will conspicuously stick to a miserable dieter's meal (often overpriced relative to the food quality.)

3. Plan social activities without alcohol, which both has a lot of calories and inhibits self-control.

4. Instead of celebrating with food, ice cream, or booze, celebrate with movie tickets, museum passes, or other non-food treats.

5. Suggest that you want to adopt a healthier lifestyle (something pretty much everyone in a modern society could benefit from) and ask them to be your buddy in that effort.

6. The next time they mention wanting to do something healthier, say "is there anything I can do to help?"

No, this is not an answer to your original question about how to provide emotional support. Emotional support from people who have never been overweight is overrated.

(My main source for these suggestions: I've been fat for decades, and one of the three times I lost a significant amount of weight was when a much healthier-weight friend adopted some radical healthy lifestyle changes and I simply decided to follow along.)

Answer 2

I used to be an obese person, therefor my answer is based on some personal experience.

First of all, I would suggest that you never start the conversation yourself. This might look like a "mocking" advice more than a friendly one if you call him out about this.

My friend has never brought it up for extended discussion. They will say things like "I've been trying to make exercise a habit" or "I'm cutting back on (some food/beverage)."

You said that your friend would open up about this subject sometimes so I propose to use this opening as yours. Be direct about it and show him that you're ready to help, let it be by:

• Exercising with him.
• Not eating trash food while hanging out with him.
• Even consider doing some "light" diet to encourage him.

Tell him to pick up the best strategy and that you'll follow it yourself.

A probable script that you can use following up his opening would be something like that:

Friend: I've been trying to make exercise a habit.
You (In a supportive way): What do you think about exercising together? Let's set up a schedule. About that, I remember reading about the issue of obesity and how invisible it sometimes is and I assume that you'd like to start exercising to lose some. At the end, it's all up to you, friend, but let me help you do that. If you'd like to speak up about it as well I am here for you. Do what suits you the best, [Insert friend name].

And leave it as it is. Don't bring the subject back, don't insist of doing it. You proposed your help following his conversation so it didn't look like you're watching him or have any problem with him regarding his weight. It's up to him now.

Answer 3

Let me say this nicely, ... "You absolutely can not find a good way to start a conversation someone does not want it!"

If they wanted an extended talk they would have said so ... that's all there is too it.

Now, if you are concerned for someone, truly concerned - ask them how they are doing, how they are feeling. If there are signs they are having a bad day, comfort them. If there are signs they are down, ask if there is anything they want to talk about. You do not bring up obesity, you bring up they seem down about something etc.

That's all the encouragement and support you can signal until they ask for that help - you are always there for a talk if they want.

If they don't bring up the subject, that is how you know it's your issue.

Answer 4

Short answer. Don’t do it at all. Your friend probably thinks about it way more than you imagine. If they haven’t brought it up to you you have no right to ask them about it. It’s their choice to talk about it or not and they have chosen not to. I have left friends because they don’t respect my boundaries around weight and body issues. You talking about it is for you and not for them. If you’re so uncomfortable with your friends body you should be honest about it so they can go find some real friends

Answer 5

I have friends who, although not obese in my opinion, consider themselves to be so and are clearly not happy with their body image. The strategy I suggest here is the one that has had the better results in my experience with them.

Given that your friend sometimes makes statements related to their obesity, I think it is safe for you to try and address the issue - I wouldn't recommend it if they hadn't, for it could mean they aren't prepared to discuss it yet, or even to recognize they have this problem in front of others.

In order to communicate your support to your friend, I would wait until they make another remark like the ones you mentioned ("I've been trying to make exercise a habit", "I'm cutting back on..."). Then, don't say something in the same tenor of their comment, but be straightforward. Look them in the eye to convey you are serious about what you are about to say and ask something along the lines of:

Do you feel very bad about your weight/body?

Be as warm as you can and then listen. I have found these direct questions to work very well. In my experience, people open up and don't seem to feel awkward about it, but relieved.

If you think this is too abrupt, you can first ask for more details like in the example you gave in one of your comments ("How is your workout routine going?") and then go for the real question.

Once your friend and you have had an open conversation about their obesity, bringing up the subject again in the future will be much easier and then you can ask if they want any concrete help from you or just emotional support when they feel discouraged.

Why do I think this is a good approach?

If you keep the conversation on the casual level ("Are you following any diet?"), to change the tone of the chat to a deeper, more serious one takes some effort and courage on their part. They might not know if you will be comfortable with them being vulnerable in front of you. However, when you are the one who takes the step, you make it easier for them to share what they are really feeling or struggling with if they want to do so.

Also, I think it better to ask how they are feeling rather than if they want to have a serious conversation about their obesity, because the second feels less natural, makes the whole thing appear bigger and puts more pressure into the conversation.

In the past, when someone made a remark that showed they were not confortable with their body, I would tell them they looked ok, or that they shouldn't worry so much about it, but I have noticed this doesn't help. In fact, more often that not, the person ends up being kind of ashamed of feeling what they feel. The approach above, though, makes no judgement about what they should or should not feel and gives them room for opening up to you.

Hope this helps.