Could expressed attraction be an absolute prevention of someone feeling attraction to me?

Question

For as long as I can remember having first experienced love I've had trouble finding a partner and building a strong relationship. More so, the only relationships I found, followed the pattern, that my partner was usually as desperate as I was to find a relationship, it was just a matter of days getting together and the relations rarely hold for longer than a few weeks.

Having been observing others I feel like what happens to me is different from what happens to others, as no matter how weird someone is in their looks or personality they at some point just get into a relationship, no matter if actively looking for it or not. Even those not actively looking to get into a relationship usually have more success in finding someone feeling attracted to them than I had while still desperately trying to find someone to get a relationship with.

For years I've been trying to figure out what the reason for this might be, and made it often a topic to talk about with my therapist. We came up with a lot of reasons that might be the source but due to trial and error behavior I figured out, most of them didn't have any impact on the outcome.

Talking about it with friends they usually tell me "Don't get so desperate finding the right one takes some time." And while I agree on that one, that's not my point. As to be clear about it, in my whole life, thinking back into the 5th/6th grade, I never got a love letter from anyone, despite everyone(!) else receiving them a few times. I never had a "date" with someone in my late teen age. It was always from the very beginning pointed out if I had an appointment with an girl I liked "This is just friendship, don't consider it a date." And even the recent years, people just keep pointing out if a relation to someone gets more intense, that I shouldn't expect anything but friendship from it.

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Question

The fact that I have autism makes it difficult for me to conceal that I feel attracted to someone, probably making my attraction to them visible very early. And the way I experience attraction is from what I know way more intense for an autist than for an allist.

So I started wondering if this might be (as slowly I am running out of ideas what else might be the reason for this) the reason that I fail to make (almost?) everyone unable to feel romantic attraction towards me?

To be clear, this is just a yes/no question supported by some kind of evidence.

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I removed the europe again, since commentator agreed with me: This is something I encountered cross countries and the observations I made were similar independent of the culture.

Answer 1

No, displaying the fact that you feel attraction will not, by itself, drive someone away. In fact, this is how most people progress from a friendly relation to a romantic relation: by, somehow, expressing their attraction. Of course, they are all sorts of ways to express this, some offensive and some charming: the WAY it is expressed is the critical part (assuming mutual attraction), and plays a major role in whether or not your overtures are accepted or rejected.

However, if the person does not ALSO feel attracted to you, expressing your attraction WILL make them uncomfortable. And here is where, I suspect, your Autisim comes into play. Most people are able to "figure out", or at least "suspect", if someone is attracted to them, by picking up a hundred different subtle clues; posture, eye contact, words chosen.. etc.. Without the ability to pick up on these clues, you are at an extreme disadvantage in this area.

Answer 2

I think I can relate with your feeling of desperately wanting a relationship from my high school days, I can tell you for sure you aren't the only one to see others and think it's so effortless for them to find a relationship but there was certainly work involved in getting it to that point though those efforts may not be easily seen. I don't think though that expressing attraction or a want to be in a relationship on its own would lead to rejection. As a rule of thumb I think you are always safe with masking your attraction enough to match the attraction the other person appears to be showing though if you still feel that is the problem.

A quick thing to note though, if the other person is not attracted to you and you choose to pursue them that could lead to them speaking up and rejecting your advances.

You also mention that usually a couple of weeks is the longest your relationships last once they've started, if you're expressing very strong emotions about them already a few weeks in that is probably a little early for serious signs of attraction. If they are still warming up to keeping your relationship going and you show that you're all in it can create a pressure for them to either come to their own decision, sometimes that pressure is enough for them to want to back out of the relationship.

Relationships do take time to figure out though, I'm in my late 20's and only now starting to figure out how to keep relationships going, so keep an eye out and don't be afraid to go for it when you find your chance but like your friends and family say, don't worry about it too much yet if it doesn't work out right away. If you can learn something from it it wasn't wasted effort.

Answer 3

For someone who has autism these interactions are less accessible than for most people. And there is not really a simple solution, unfortunately. This isn't impossible, but a person on the spectrum may need to jump through a couple of hoops.

1. You may need to get to know them fairly well first - long enough where you can either pick up on their cues more easily, or where they know you well enough to understand that their cues need to be more obvious. But, of course, that takes time.

2. Another approach is to try to think of this process a lot less seriously. If you are open about your intentions, they may be put off by it; however, if you are open, but with some degree of humor about it, they will understand that it is not a big deal to either of you - and will feel free to reject you or laugh it off without worrying about opening up a whole can of awkwardness.

It may be a good idea to ask them out when you are having a fun conversation - for instance, you are both sitting there laughing at something, then at the end of the conversation, you go "Say, want to get a beer one of these days?" If they say yes, good. Suggest a time / place. If they say no or hesitate, say "hey, it's totally cool. No worries :)" Then leave to do your thing. Then later, say hi and have a normal conversation with them as though nothing happened (because really, nothing happened). This will let them know it's fine, and you are not obsessed with them. Do not bring it up again. Let them bring it up, if they feel like it.

Obviously that's just one abstract example of an interaction. But the point is, if you don't take it seriously, it takes a great deal of pressure away from both of you. In truth, most people like being liked. They just don't like the awkwardness that often goes with not liking someone back, or with the idea that someone is obsessed with them. If you remove that awkwardness, things get a lot more pleasant. However, you probably don't want to wait until you develop an obsession, since that will make it very difficult to have genuine humor about it. And, in both 1 and 2, you would need to actively interact with them first. Luckily, that is also true for most people - autism or not.