My Ex and I recently broke up. There are a lot of very negative feelings on my side due to things that happened during the relationship and after the breakup. It is still hard for me to be in her vicinity, and I cannot really relax and enjoy myself in her presence. Unfortunately, we share a common hobby where there are only a limited number of meetings. She attends all of them, while I am restricted to a few due to age constraints. After some of the meetings, there often will be an afterparty at one of our common friends. I would like to go to these events, but in contrast to the organised "official" meetings, the group there is much smaller. Last time, my ex was invited and I was not, which is probably not because of a dislike on the host's part, but I rather suspect that he knew that I would have declined anyway (I am not sure about that however).
How can I ask the host to sometimes invite me and not her?
- She suggested to keep away from some of the events to give me space, but broke this promise pretty quickly. Therefore, I am not searching for a solution that depends on her cooperation in any way.
- While I am quite restricted in my choices of meetings (and corresponding afterparties), she is not and therefore I do not have any leverage with her to "split 50/50". Additionally, I have much bigger issues with her than she has with me.
- Switching social circles is not an option, since the hobby is fixed and there is only a very small number of potential hosts that live in the vicinity of the official meetings.
- After the breakup, I tried to be on good terms with her to avoid unnecessary drama. That was two months ago, but afterwards a lot of things happened/came out that really hurt me (e.g. her not sticking to the promise to give me space). This currently makes it impossible for me to somehow reconcile with her.
- My bad feelings towards her are not because of the breakup, but rather from the stuff that happened during the relationship. I was overdependent on her, so I haven't had the balls to break up. E.g. she lied to me about her intimacy level with other people and I believe she deliberately (although maybe unconsciously) fed me false information about her, resulting in me doubting my own perception. I have no desire to be "on good terms with her" ever again, because I know I will never be able to have a conversation with her without being in an alarmed state and carefully watching every word.
- She is very attractive and out-going, which makes it easier for her to get attention from the hosts, which are all male.
- I am particularly worried that the host might consider "inviting both and letting them decide that between them" a sufficiently "fair" solution.
- I am mostly interested of going to the afterparties without her being there. I am totally fine with the host having a strong friendship with her, as long as he does not neglect me because of it.
- Although there are two main hosts, the one I am concerned about is a lot more active in this regard than the other.
- I am located in Germany, although I believe this is not very much location-specific.