How to tell a colleague that touching my behind at the christmas party was not ok

Question

During my company's Christmas party one colleague got extremely drunk. He then went to me, put his arm around me and his hand on my behind. I found this both annoying and highly inappropriate and pushed his hand away. He did it again later in the evening. When he did it the third time I raised my voice a bit while telling him to stop and that was enough to stop him. However from his body language I think he felt like I overreacted.

I don't know this colleague very well. I have talked to him professionally and exchanged a polite sentence or two over the coffee machine.

Since I fear that he genuinely does not understand that his behavior was inappropriate, I would like to talk to him. My goal is to make him understand that touching someone's behind without their consent is not okay. Ideally I would like to make sure he won't do it again, but I mostly don't want him to be able to say (even to himself) that he didn't know he should not do something like that.

On the other hand I would like to make as little fuss as possible. His behavior did not scar me for life, I just found it quite annoying.

Another thing that makes me think he does not understand what he did wrong is that another colleague told me that this behavior was not unusual for that guy when he gets drunk. Said colleague however also said that the groping colleague is usually a friendly guy (when he is sober). He has also always been friendly in our brief encounters at the workplace.

I am considering talking to him one on one and just telling him that he made me feel uncomfortable. I am however afraid that he might just brush it of as me being oversensitive.

I am thankful for any pointers to how I can communicate effectively in this situation.

Answer 1

If you truly want to communicate with him about this issue and have him listen to you without detriment to your work relationship, it's vital to start the conversation in the least confrontational way as possible. If you start the conversation off too "aggressively", there's a good chance that most people in his position will "wall up" and not listen or provide any return communication to you.

My approach, when trying to start a conversation with someone I'm irritated with, is to bring it up in a way that doesn't make the person feel like they're being reprimanded or put on the spot (regardless of the wrong-ness of their actions). You could try something like:

"Hey! (small talk, as to not immediately set off any alarms) While I have you here, I wanted to talk to you about the Christmas party."

At this point, don't give him a chance to interject or try to guess what you're about to bring up. Focus in on how you feel in completion. This isn't a conversation or a debate, don't ask any questions or give him a chance to fight back on whether or not his behavior was OK.

"(cont)... about the Christmas party. I felt like I was having trouble expressing my comfort level when you kept putting your arm around me, so I wanted to clarify that while others may be okay with it, I don't really like anyone touching me like that."

When you do this, use "I feel" vs "You did _____" statements to lower the risk of alienating him, because, again, if you make it sound like you're actively angry or that the relationship has been tainted by his behavior, your odds of keeping this low-fuss will be slim to none.

Finally, don't end the conversation on this note. Stopping with the above would still be leaving him in a place where he may feel the need to respond with justification for his behavior, which you don't want. Close your overall statement by making him feel like you're still on the same team, not angry or upset, just stating this so that you both understand one another. This could be something like:

"(cont)... like that. I'd like to keep enjoying our work relationship as it is, so hopefully this helps for both of us to better understand each other."

Last but not least, tone is everything in situations like this. You can't be sure whether this person is oblivious or just kind of a butthead, so do everything in your power to speak confidently and not falter when delivering your message. While it's important not to use aggressive language/tone that may alienate him from hearing you, it is also important to not use such a passive tone that a potential butthead may see opportunity to further antagonize or take advantage of you.

Your tone should resonate that of:

"I'm not angry, upset, or otherwise emotional. These are facts. Regardless of how you feel, I felt uneasy by this, and I am telling you so you do not do again."

And avoid anything resembling:

"I'm angry, upset, or some kind of emotional. These are my feelings I'm telling you about, I want you to apologize and be understanding."

Be strong, confident, and sold on what you have to say before you say it, and this tone should come naturally.

Answer 2

So this person seems to behave Ok when they are sober (according to people who know him), and misbehaved towards you while drunk, and seems to have done this on other occasions while drunk (according to a colleague who knows him). In other words, this is a person who should avoid getting drunk since they cannot handle it properly.

He may not even be aware of what he is doing. So he needs to be told by someone that he misbehaves when drunk and that it is not acceptable. That someone could be you.

If you want to avoid an argument, you can do this by sending an email, stating the facts, and leaving no room for argument. For example: "On the party yesterday, you were drunk, and you behaved inappropriately towards me not once, but three times. I expect an apology. "

What happens next depends on his answer. He can make his problem go away by apologising, which would be the wisest thing to do. And most people don't like having to apologise, so he might drink less or watch himself better when drunk in the future. So there is a good chance that you will get an apology, with possible improvent in his behaviour, and with no fuss.

He may genuinely not know what he did, since he was drunk. In that case you tell him what he did, and again this might get you an apology.

If he claims he knows he didn't do anything, or if he claims that what he did was Ok, then unfortunately you will have to escalate this. You can send another email: "I expect an apology within 24 hours, and no further inappropriate behaviour. Otherwise, I will have to escalate the matter", and then you can escalate it.