How can I ask my flatmate why she's upset after I mentioned feeling like a third wheel?

Question

A few days ago my flatmate [22, F] and me [26, M] went to a party. She was asking me which of two guys she should hook up with. It was more jokingly, at least I thought and she also told me it's just a joke. Later at that evening she went on to flirt heavily with the guy I said was better. At some point we wanted to go home together, however that third guy was coming with us. As we waited outside for him, I asked her, what exactly is going on between them. She told me a few time it's nothing and they already spoke together and it's just fun and all. But she also said, "maybe I'm going home with him, you never now". and seconds later "no no, I wanna go home with you".

I then said, I'd feel uncomfortable if there is something serious going on between them and I'm driving home with them. I'd feel like a third wheel. If that's the case, I'd rather go home alone. She suddenly became pretty pissed and told me I acted really bad, and she then told me to go home alone.

She came home a few minutes after me and I wanted to talk about the incident, however she said she doesn't want to. I pressured her to still do it, cause I'd just feel bad otherwise and don't want to go to bed angry. In her opinion she wouldn't feel uncomfortable at this situation and so shouldn't I. I think however it's not that hard to understand that someone might not like that situation. Another point of her was, what would happen, if he was to be her boyfriend. I said to her, that's something else, then they know each other and I wouldn't feel like I'm just annoying them, since they'd spent more than enough time together.

At the next day I tried it again and said, I'd like to say sorry, but I'm still not sure what about. Her reaction was a "ok. thanks -- long pause -- I guess". We talked a little, but nothing productive really.

3 days later she seems to be still mad. I feel kind of uncomfortable since we live together and I don't like all the tension. She isn't saying anything just giving very short answers, doesn't show any interest in me whatsoever (something she usually does, like 'how are you?', 'what are you doing today?'....)

I keep thinking about all of this and assume I'm missing something. I'm not sure if she maybe thinks of me as a big brother and wanted to introduce this guy to me. I showed that I'm not a big fan of either of the two guys she asked me to chose from. Maybe she wanted to change my mind on them. (I didn't like them because I heard them say stuff like "I'd love to bang Alice sometimes as well" and "Jane got a nice ass".... )

As a side note:

• I have feelings for her, which makes all of this very hard for me. I don't know if she knows it. She might have figures it out, we are kinda flirting, but it might be seen as just friendly flirting as well.
• I was a little energetic that evening. Not screaming or aggressive. I asked her a few times to just clarify whats going on between them so I can decide whether I wanna join them or not.

Since the last two conversations didn't really solve anything, I am asking for advice for a third one: How do I start it, without coming across too insisting/annoying? How can I get a proper answer on what exactly she is pissed at? I feel like she doesn't really know either.

Answer 1

I have feelings for her

This is obvious from your post. Does she know?

A few days ago my flatmate [22, F] and me [26, M] went to a party. She was asking me which of two guys she should hook up with. It was more jokingly, at least I thought and she also told me it's just a joke.

Several possibilities:

• Hypothesis Buddies: She is not interested in you either sexually or romantically, yet she values your input and is simply asking for your opinion on these dudes like she would ask any other girl friend what she thinks.

• Hypothesis Fun: She's just teasing you and having fun, it's a joke, she's simply thinking out loud, you should have answered with a joke like pointing towards a random pretty girl and say "I like this one a lot better than your options." Or anything else.

For both, even if it's only a joke she's implying that the two dudes in question aren't really important to her since she considers them interchangeable.

In these two scenarii, she's pissed because you took it all wayyyy too seriously and turned the whole evening into drama just because of something she said which she thought was innocuous and fun. That's understandable, but maybe not enough to explain how she's still hostile three days later...

• Hypothesis Attraction: She was actually interested in you, thought you were willing, and handed you a huge opportunity on a silver platter with cherry on top to just laugh and answer "Naaah, you should go home with me instead."

In this scenario, she's pissed because the clue she gave you was so obvious (to her) that the only reason she can imagine why you did not bring her home is that you're not interested in her. So she thinks you rejected her, and that's very insulting to her, and she's still giving you the cold shoulder three days later. That's believable.

• Hypothesis Mean: she knows you like her and is teasing you in a rather mean way.

I'm not fond of this one.

• Your hypothesis: "She maybe thinks of me as a big brother and wanted to introduce this guy to me. I showed that I'm not a big fan of either of the two guys she asked me to chose from. Maybe she wanted to change my mind on them. (I didn't like them because I heard them say stuff like "I'd love to bang Alice sometimes as well" and "Jane got a nice ass"....

This scenario is pretty bad for you because if she thought you were her big brother, then you disappointed her severely by acting like her whiny little brother instead, and she had to babysit you while you were having a tantrum.

As we waited outside for him, I asked her, what exactly is going on between them. She told me a few time it's nothing and they already spoke together and it's just fun and all. But she also said, "maybe I'm going home with him, you never now". and seconds later "no no, I wanna go home with you".

Lean against the wall and watch her figure it out. Do not intervene while she's having her little meltdown, or you will be responsible of the consequences (as you no doubt noticed by now). She's simply thinking out loud and letting it out. After she changes her mind a few more times, you can "Hmm-hmm" with an amused smile, until you get her to spout "My god, I'm acting like a teenager" or something like that. Then she's gonna hate you for not making up your mind for her, then hate you some more for about two minutes because you're having fun watching her. Keep "hmm-hmm"'ing while she does all the rest of the conversation for you, makes up her mind, and eventually concludes that you're "such a good listener".

She isn't saying anything just giving very short answers, doesn't show any interest in me whatsoever (something she usually does, like 'how are you?', 'what are you doing today?'....)

I keep thinking about all of this and assume I'm missing something.

Well, duh.

Here's what I recommend:

1) Re-read this stuff you wrote:

I wanted to talk about the incident, however she said she doesn't want to. I pressured her to still do it, cause I'd just feel bad otherwise

You shouldn't have "pressured" her, that's rude and only made her angrier. You'd "pressure" a non-paying customer, but certainly not a friend. You should have said "It's okay, we can talk later." and definitely not end the sentence with something that puts the guilt on her like "...when you feel like talking." or "...when you've calmed down". Well, you can say that if you want to belittle and insult her, but that's probably not a good idea under these circumstances...

I mean, you sound like she owes you something and you're entitled to it. That's bad.

2) Now I want you to repeat after me: "No-one cares about my feelings..." enough times that it sinks in:

I wanted to talk about the incident, however she said she doesn't want to. I pressured her to still do it, cause I'd just feel bad otherwise

She was angry, yet you prioritized your own feelings over hers, which obviously made her even angrier. Not talking would make you feel bad, so you pressured her which upset her instead. Well, at least now you're both miserable, so there's always that!

So, don't. Next time, listen instead of talking, and try to stop for a second to see things from her perspective.

Am I wrong for not wanting to be in the group

Can't answer that.

Since the last two conversations didn't really solve anything, I am asking for advice for a third one

Cook a nice dinner, setup the table, put a candle on it (unlit), invite her, say you're sorry for behaving like an immature idiot. Now you got Schrödinger's date: she doesn't know if it's officially a date or you just making amends as a friend, which means she'll have to figure it out, which should make things interesting. Who knows, maybe you can snatch victory from the jaws of defeat?....