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My boyfriend and I have been in a serious relationship for a few years.

I have known of this female friend ever since but have never met. She visited him once where he lives now and stayed over in his room for about a week. They have remained in contact but now she is on an exchange in another country and she has asked him to visit her. She has a one room student accommodation where he would be able to sleep on a spare bed. The issue is really that they have some history, she was his first love (unrequited) and that makes me uncomfortable with the situation. I am unable to go with him for work reasons and I don't feel comfortable watching him go there alone.

EDIT: He has never shown unfaithfulness at the time or ever really. I am more just uncomfortable with her, she is known as the most attractive girl that all his friends are into and I don't trust her. I don't want to push him away or cut him off from his friends but I also don't really like the idea of him going.

  1. How can I express to my boyfriend that I don't feel comfortable with this situation without sounding like blackmailing?

  2. How to tell my boyfriend I really don't trust this friend and I need something from his side to comfort me?

  • Hello Sk88 & Welcome to IPS!! I've tried to make a first edit of your question, to make it more into this site standards, so we can try to help you. However, after reading "edit the question", could you please try to adapt your question yourself? Try to focus on the main problem you want to share with him or what you would need to achieve your goal. It would also be great if we had more background about your BF and this girl relation & how both managed it. how was the last time she visited him from your perspective? Have you discussed about this with your BF? How did it end up? – user22642 Dec 18 '18 at 10:21
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    Hi there. We expect contributions to focus on only one question, could you please choose the one that suits your issues best and remove the other from your post? If you feel that both needs to be addressed, please create another question for it. Have a great time on IPS! – avazula Dec 18 '18 at 13:03
  • You are asking 1. how to express this and to 2. receive something from your partner to help your feelings. Neither of those might be a confirmation from him that he won't go. If you're being honest, are you looking for advice in how to get him not to go, or will an answer that still allows him to go suffice? If you are ok with him going in some sense, are there any compromises you'd be ok with or want advice on? Such as, a 3rd party also going and staying/your partner staying somewhere else/only 1 night/something else? – Philbo Dec 18 '18 at 13:25
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Well. First things first, you should tell him how you feel. That is never blackmail, as long as you internalize it. They are your feelings, you own them and the reaction to them. (He is not making you feel something, you just are feeling)

[Boyfriend_name_here], I really don't feel comfortable you staying at sinister_threat_name_here. It is not that I don't trust you, it just makes me feel really bad that you'll be in another girls' bedroom overnight.

From there you can take it in several directions. But you really should own up to that it is by its base your problem if you trust him. Right? If you trust him, you'll not be upset by him being close to temptation. Definition of trust, or close to it. You can still feel bad about the situation, though - but it is then your problem and you have to make the solution. So, make arrangements to your schedule that allows for you to feel better about it, or try to exchange favor for favor - the point is not coming across as if he owes you or has to. The words "please" and "I'll make it up to you" usually helps.

As a final point, if you don't trust him, then just say so. Yeah, that'll be an uncomfortable talk, but it is better dealt with upfront.

I want to trust you that much, but trust takes time to build and we haven't gotten there.

And again, this is not because he has done something to "lose" your trust, it just hasn't built up to that point yet. Your trust doesn't come easy and it doesn't come fast, but you are aware this creates a problem for him.

In any case, these things are difficult partly because trust is one of those things where we usually overestimate our stock. We usually say we have more than we have. This is fairly common. Talking honestly about it helps build more. Good luck

3

Focus on your boyfriend

TL;DR

You don't trust her. Fair enough. Trust your boyfriend instead, it's much safer.

Talk to him to find solutions so you feel better during his trip (regular calls, information about this girl)

Don't make him cancel his plans because you don't feel safe about it. It's not healthy and it will cost you.


What I thought as lack of context, actually might be showing something from your perspective on this issue. You made a lot of references of her and "them", and quite few about him.

Your opinion on her may be pretty oriented. The fact that she was his first love, and "she is really attractive, said other guys" could be a red flag. It might also be you finding every bit of possible reasons having her in your radar and comfort yourself doing so.

I assume you already were together when this sinister_threat_name_here (@Stian Yttervik I couldn't dare change that name) stayed over in his room. As you are still together, I also assume everything ended up okay!

You said two times you don't trust her, but never that you trust him even if "He has never shown unfaithfulness at the time or ever really". It seems to me that you see him as a guy without any will that could be turned at any moment if that girl just decide anything.

However, he is with YOU. And that should be it, but it's never that simple right?

My ex use to be very attractive (to me, and other guys. Or more likely, I use to think every guy on earth found her attractive!) She had a lot of dear friends, including single guys, including one who formerly was in love with her. Spoiler alert, she isn't my ex now because she is with one of them, but one of the reasons probaby is the trust problem I had with her!

Now i'm not saying you are wrong and shouldn't feel that way. But it doesn't really matter that you don't trust her, as you should trust your partner instead, and it should be much more conforting and important.

Still, as you are not comfortable with this situation, and you are in a serious relationship, both of you need to find a solution to this problem.

  • Let's try to enforce that trust. Try to identify your fears, and talk to him about it in a safe space, so you can communicate about it. This wouldn't be about this girl, but about your relation in general. Is there something lacking from your perspective? What is it? He needs to know.

  • Discuss with him about anything that could make you feel better during the trip. Him calling you on regular basis, maybe you getting a first contact with this girl? Asking about their current relation?

  • You might see her as a threat, but it's fairly possible to be very wrong. Do you have all the information about this girl? She might like someone else or they might be 100% friend with nothing else. Your boyfriend want to visit her, it's okay to be curious and try to understand in what state she currently is. It might be so obvious for him, so he doesn't even realize there is an issue for you here. You can find some comfort doing so.

What could also help :

Ask your boyfriend to call her when you are around. During the discussion, he would then mention naturally that you are here with him at this moment. If she hears your voices or knows your presence on the back, you become real. They can then discuss about the trip, and you could naturally be included in the discussions.

Even if this is doable, I wouldn't advise you to convince him not to go. For couples and friends, it takes a long time to build some "caring-capital", and such action has a great cost of it. He needs to decide by himself, and also, makes sure his girlfriend feels good and secure with this. After all, he could very much face a situation alike, later on, and would be glad to see kindness and understanding from your side!

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