3 years ago I dated with Clara, my ex-girlfriend. Her situation (borderline personality disorder + Taoism + her own personality and ability) makes her worldview quite unique, and when I met her I had known that what she has in her mind was the key to solve a problem that even contemporary science is struggling with. In fact, one big reason we couldn't work together to solve her black and white thinking was because there is no satisfactory answer to what we saw, not just because of our pasts. On the surface her line of thinking is really sharp and reasonable.

However, because even contemporary science still struggles to understand it, what she saw was so abstruse that it would take a lot of time to decipher. To understand what she saw, I really need a lot of time to concentrate, and a (dysfunctional) relationship is really a chain. So after 6 months of dating I decided to end it because I didn't see any point to continue.

In order to have a legit reason to pull the trigger, I decided to intentionally hurt her. By doing so I could control the situation, avoid all unwanted problems, and focus on the "facts" that I was inadequate, shortsighted and selfish. This made her feel like it was her to decide to terminate the relationship and have control over me, thus mitigating the disappointment and frustration of trying so hard but still fail (the self-fulfilling prophecy). As how it was planned, the breakup was quick and efficient. She accepted my offer to end the relationship immediately, because she did see that there was an invisible wall that was so transformative that we couldn't analyze it.

We resonated each other not just because we shared some common interests or personality, but because we both saw "something". If one sees something but no one around them can see, then they will have a loneliness that follows them for the rest of their life. In the last 2 years I didn't only live in rumination and resentment, but to research what she actually saw. Her mood would be fleeting, but when it couples with "that thing", then even if she had forgotten about it, it's still written in her core, and the analysis will never be outdated.

Susan, a friend of Clara, said to her that she had never seen an anger of her that could be so long after any breakup. In her previous breakups she forgot right after that. It was Clara who told me this, which I think was an effort to protect me from her anger of disappointing. I can give evidences that she hasn't changed since the breakup, but it's quite private so I guess you have to bear with me on this.

I have consulted my friends (one male, one female), and they both agree that Clara will come back (with around 70% of confidence, because they don't know Clara in person). Here are the points that I can convince them:

  • She is a big fan of Zhuangzi, and it was her to say that I was like Zhuangzi, when I knew nothing about him. Now I know who he is, and I claim that anyone can be like him.
  • She wished that she could have the courage to face her fears, but she couldn't. If I want to be her role model, then I need to prove that with logic one can fear nothing.
  • She said that she wanted to know the difference between real love and pseudo-love. With the new understanding I can now answer that question.
  • She wished that she could have had an attitude to life as simple as mine. I had it, but I couldn't explain why I had it, or knew how to transfer it to other people. With the new theory I hope I can do that now.

The reason that I don't fear the relationship would be dead forever is because if my work really has values, then people will help me to spread the words. However, even in the best scenario that it is accepted by the scientific community, then it would take a lot of time to get to her. And if it isn't, then my mission is still completed. I can now verbalize what we see, and can answer what she deeply askes. I don't see any reason to wait longer.


One year ago I messaged Susan, but she said that there was no hope, that I was not Clara, and that I should have focus on my happiness first. (At that time my research was still primitive, and I hadn't found an effective solution for the rumination and resentment.) For the rest of the conversation she just kept silent (Facebook's messenger "seen" status). Recently I've sent her this message:

I now have the answer for the question: "you are not her, how do you know what she wants?", and by that she won't be hurt anymore. Do you want to hear?

And she still keeps silent, as expected. It's easy to see the inefficiency of this message: it doesn't prove how I actually understand Clara, only say that I can understand her. It only talks the talk, not walks the walk. But I'm not sure if saying any other message has any more efficient than this. When one want to solve their own skepticism, they have to assume that they are wrong in order to initiate the effort to listen, or else any honest words will be dismissed.

I don't think trying to answer again is stalking, because stalkers (or any person with fixated thoughts) let their emotions distort their rations. Doing research, on the other hand, requires you to prove you are wrong first before proving you are right. Only with self-reflection that persistence is meaningful and useful to others. If you want to talk about stalking, then look at Einstein, who spent 30 years to build a satisfactory theory without success. Comparing to my situation (2 years with a satisfactory theory), I think I'm more lucky than him.

Another approach is to contact another friend of her. This is possible, and I do think that if Susan insists to not listen, then this is the only way. But I think there simply exists a way to convince Susan, and thus there is no need to involve other people. An intellectual problem needs an intellectual solution, and that solution always exists if we search hard enough. I'm aware that persistence and stalking can be synonym, and I don't want to see myself be perceived as harassment.

So, how can I talk to Clara (or Susan) that I understand her?

Here is the research: A theory of perspective. (Warning: it's long. If there is a section that you don't understand, just skip it.)

  • Anticipating that some good comments will be removed, I create this chat room to discuss
    – Ooker
    Dec 25 '18 at 17:47
  • 4
    So the situation is: you dated a girl for six months, three years ago, as of one year ago her friend stopped responding to your messages, and you want to know how to get a message to your ex.. is that correct? As per help center, while some context is useful, the important part is the interpersonal interactions - you've told us a lot about your theories, but little of what actually happened and was said between you, Clara, and Susan. Do you even have contact info for Clara? Also to clarify, is the author with BPD mentioned in the link Clara, you, or someone else?
    – Em C
    Dec 26 '18 at 17:04
  • @EmC I see why you see it's unclear now. I'll edit it soon. Because there is already an answer, should I edit it or ask a new one? Anyway, to answer your question: I have her number and her father's number. The author with BPD is Clara. I am thinking about asking a new one with the lines of "would asking a second friend be seen as intrusive?" or "would creating a new Facebook account and comment in her posts invoke her eager to continue?". If I have a whole theory to understand her, then (in theory) I should be able to invoke that curiosity. I just need an opportunity to do that.
    – Ooker
    Dec 26 '18 at 17:30
  • 1
    I would edit this one if you can without invalidating the existing answer (it's also nice to let them know you edited afterwards, just in case they want to update). The other questions would probably be closed as opinion based or "what should I do", unfortunately.
    – Em C
    Dec 26 '18 at 17:35
  • 4
    @Ooker "why would" is not a better fit for this stack that "what should". The questions are hard to answer in an objective way, and a flood of unsubstantiated opinions on what might be true is the opposite of what this stack aims to produce.
    – Upper_Case
    Dec 26 '18 at 18:47

You say

I don't want to see myself be perceived as harassment.

and this is a good thing. It's important for you to realize that Susan has shown clear signs of disinterest in further interaction with you by continually ignoring your messages. Contacting her further would at the very least be rude and at some point become harassment. You should not contact Susan any further.

Here's how I think you should go about contacting Clara

If you know her address or the address of somebody who can forward a letter to her address, write a letter. Write about everything you want to say to her. Include an easy way for her to contact you, like an email address, so there's as few barriers as possible for her replying to you.

A letter is a lot more personal and shows more sincerity than a text message, therefore I believe it gives you the best chance of her actually reading what you want to tell her.

If this is not an option, e.g. cause you don't know anybody's address, create a PDF to be your "letter" and ask the second friend to forward the file to Clara. Unless there is some history you haven't mentioned yet, there should be nothing stopping the second friend from forwarding a file, while telling her about how you now understand Clara and have done all this research may come off as intimidating and confusing, ultimately leading to her not wanting to interact with you.

That being said, before you commit any further effort into contacting her, make sure you're in a mindset that accepts rejection. There's a very real chance that she will read your letter and not want to reply. This is something you must respect as contacting her against her will would be harassment. Considering the amount of effort you have invested so far, I suspect this will be hard for you. I cannot stress enough how important this point is! Be ready to accept being rejected! Do not be persistent in this and respect her boundaries if she doesn't want to talk to you.

  • Thanks for your being firm in saying I should not contact Susan any further. I'm also aware that sending letters will be rejected. But since you say that there should be nothing to stop the second friend to tell Clara, what do you think about contacting other friends of her, and show them that I understand her? If they feel reasonable they will have a motivation to convince her. Contacting them would not against their wills
    – Ooker
    Dec 26 '18 at 5:47
  • As long as you respect their boundaries when they tell you to stop I don't see anything wrong with contacting other friends of hers. It may be considered weird if you contact a lot of them, but I wouldn't call it harassment as long as you stop when told to stop. Also if Clara tells you to stop contacting her friends, obviously you should stop doing so. To set reasonable expectations: Be prepared for her friends not being interested in your explanations since they don't affect them directly. I still think just asking them to forward a message to Clara promises the most success.
    – Odin
    Dec 26 '18 at 19:13
  • As I'm about to edit the question, I open a meta question and would like to hear your thoughts: What to do when a new version of a closed question indirectly invalidate existing answers?
    – Ooker
    Dec 30 '18 at 17:07

Not the answer you're looking for? Browse other questions tagged or ask your own question.