Wife wants me to be happy (or act happy) all the time

Question

My wife and I have been together around 20 years, and for the most part, we have an excellent relationship. However ...

Like anyone else (I suppose) I get tired, depressed, gloomy every once in a while. When this happens, I'm not nice to be around -- I don't yell or get violent, but I'm impatient, irritable, snippy, rude, dismissive. In short, I'm an a#$-hole (temporarily).

Typically, my wife notices and asks "what's wrong". Sometimes I'm reluctant to say "I'm tired" because it makes me feel like a decrepit slothful loser. I have to accept that I'm getting old and don't have as much strength/energy as before. My problem, obviously. Sometimes I just don't know what's bothering me, so I answer (truthfully), "I don't know". This sounds like a lie, of course, so the downward spiral begins.

She typically accuses me of "ruining the mood" of an event or some other planned good time. She often assumes that she has done something "wrong" to make me "mad" (her words).

If she yells at me, I try to explain myself quietly and calmly. If she's yelling, and I'm not, it seems to make her even more angry. Occasionally, she will fly into a violent rage, and physically attack me. I defend myself, and try to stop her from doing any bodily damage. I think it's just venting, because I'm sure she could injure me if she really wanted to. If things go on too long, I sometimes get to feel that I've taken enough abuse, and can't control myself any longer, so I yell back. Bad to worse.

Playing at amateur psychologists, we think that the behavior stems from her relationship with her father. He was violent and abusive with her entire family, and everyone had to be very careful whenever it looked like he was in a bad mood and might explode. When I'm in a funk, we think it brings back memories of these terrible times, and the emotional damage he has done to her. The attacks on me are (maybe, in some sense) what she wanted to do to her father, but couldn't??

Her father was a monster (from what I hear), and it pains me greatly that I sometimes remind her of him. But I can't be happy and cheerful all the time. Some of my ideas for handling the situation are ...

1. Get better at faking happiness? I hope I don't have to do this. I hope that I can show my true feelings to my wife, if no-one else.
2. Help her understand that my happiness is not her responsibility, and my gloominess is not her fault. I've tried this, but it doesn't seem to work. Inside her, there is a voice more powerful than mine that tells her that she has done something wrong.
3. Somehow distinguish myself from her father. He's dead, and I'm not him. But we're both men, so (to my dismay and disgust) we apparently have something in common. How do I convince her that I'm different?
4. Try to be nicer. I can't avoid getting stressed or tired or gloomy, occasionally, but maybe I can somehow prevent this from leading to rudeness and conflict. I've tried. It's very hard, and I fear that I might be too old to change.

I understand that no-one here can tell me what I should do. I'm just looking for thoughts or additional approaches that I might consider, or better ways to communicate the ideas outlined above. All four ideas involve some interpersonal skill (faking happiness, assuaging guilt, showing that I'm different, or being nicer when under stress). Apparently my skills are lacking, so looking for ways to do better.

My question: how can I better express the four ideas listed above (or some alternative ones), so that we can eliminate the downward spirals into violence (verbal or physical).

Answer 1

I've seen simular situations. Husband is uncommunicative, wife asks "What's wrong?", husband answers "Nothing's wrong" and then the wife starts with "There must be something wrong. You're acting strange. What's going on?" and so on and so forth. The mood keeps spiraling down.

The problem here is neither your bad mood nor her father. The problen is that neither of you can read each others thoughts. You need to communicate.

If your wife asks you about your day or mood or whether you're alright, don't lie. If you're tired, tell her honestly. If you're in a bad mood, tell her about what caused it. That might distinguish you from her father as well, especially if he always stayed silent until he exploded.

Make general plans for whenever a bad mood hits you again. What calms you down and makes you relax? Reading a book, listening to musik, punching a sandbag, jogging for an hour? Do you feel comfortable cuddling or sitting with your wife or do you need to be alone? Try different things and see what works for you.

If you notice yourself getting grumpy, tell your wife that you're going to do (relaxing activity alone) or that you'd rather do (relaxing activity with her). Don't just stay silent or retreat into solitude without saying a word. You need to communicate with your wife to stop her from assuming the worst.

What happens if you are uncommunicative is that you both assess the same situation completely different. You may stay silent simply because you're tired. Your wife notices you being silent and doesn't know whether you're tired or offended by something she did or angry at her or whether you don't love her anymore or or or... Saying something as simple as "I'm tired" or "Bob was an a*hole today" stops the spiral of thoughts immediately.

Answer 2

Me and my wife have a keyword to communicate to the other side that we are grumpy today/at the moment. Everybody is down sometimes or just edgy (out of hunger for example). The other one just knows to let its partner alone for a while, that it is nothing personal. He/she just needs a piece of quiet. Works like magic. The point is not to ask further as the person is already edgy.

Answer 3

The proposed solution you provided above can work (maybe) in the short run; but that's about it. You can delve into the philosophy of 'why I'm like this' and 'how can I stress out that it's not about her' etc

I'm going to answer your question

"some alternative ones"

It's about you and no one else

When I'm confront with those down feelings (like most people on the planet) my strategy that works very well is to detach myself from everyone and do the things that I like. One thing that I know that doesn't help is to try to articulate my state 'why I'm like this'. I found out that delving into the complexity of the situation and try to articulate the problem for my 'state' simply promote antagonism by everyone around me.

So what do I do: Oh...this is where it gets really good: I wear my high-end sport clothes and I go to run for an hour or bike for 2 hours whatever the weather permits. I listen to my music and by the time I get back...I'm full of energy and ready to swallow the sweet world. Yes, it takes me one hour to get back on my feet from state 'grumpy' to 'full_energy'.

What works for me is to focus on me for 1 or 2 hours and then I'm back to family. BTW, my wife supports me 100% on this. When I tell her I'm going to run she knows that when I'm back we can talk about the next vacation :-)

Approaches

One approach is to tell your wife that you need to detach yourself from everyone else and focus on yourself and one hour to yourself will fix it.

Another valid approach is to ask your wife to join you for a jugging and after 30 minute of walk you can discuss the reasons for which led you to this ‘state’. You will be amazed to see that when engaged in phaical activity the brain both perceive and transmit different vibes into the conversation.

Expectations You wrote

Wife wants me to be happy (or act happy) all the time

Everyone would love to be happy at all time but that's impossible - we're human and we're wired this way. Just make sure you set a clear expectations with your wife from the beginning that there would be moments where you will not be yourself per se. Where you will be 'off' just like her and that's ok but you will seek constant solution to solve it.