this is quite a long text but I think it is necessary to get an insight of where my motivation is coming from and why I want to "break up" with my parents.
The Fight I
A couple of months ago there was a huge fight between me and my parents:
My grandfather offered me to buy his old car for a very good price (~50% off of its current value) because we were expecting our second child and were looking for a bigger car. Everything was fine until my parents stepped in and told me that if I would buy the car for half the price I would also have to pay my siblings. They argued that my grandfather was giving me half a car for free and this would be unfair to my siblings.
Although I completely disagreed with them (and still do) I turned down the offer since I didn't want my family to be fighting over a car. So while I turned down I told my grandfather the reason why I could not buy his car. I did not exaggerate anything or discredited my parents. However he eventually got mad at my parents for interfering in this situation, but he accepted my decision and everything seemed fine.
The Fight II
A couple of days later my parents furiously called me and acted like it was my fault that my grandfather would not talk to them anymore because I "falsely discredited" them. They also told me that my grandfather was totally devastated and was kind of physically suffering from "my lies about them". They told me I should call him and "make things right again".
I was shocked and after that talk with my parents I immediately called my grandfather again. He seemed really fine and told me that he wasn't able to pick up the phone the day my parents called because he was busy in the garage.
I texted my parents that everything seemed fine with my grandfather and I have no further interest in discussing this car topic anymore.
I did not get any reply on this text message. At least three months my parents would not communicate with us. But I was not contacting them either since I needed some time to think about what happened.
I asked myself:
- What did I wrong?
- Why do my parents always play the "victim"?
- Why does it seem that my parents don't care about their grandchildren?
- How could they possibly be mad at me?
These questions were omnipresent in my head and I finally read a book on Transactional analysis ("psychological games") since I was searching for answers to my questions.
And then it hit me hard: These "games" were accompanying my whole life. I remembered more and more similar situations were I always ended up as the "bad guy" and had to apologize to my parents (or otherwise they would ignore me). This realization felt really good and sad at the same time. But I eventually decided to cut my parents out of my life for the sake of me and my family and this decision felt good..
Around three months later my parents called me (they had to because of a family related issue) and acted like nothing had ever happened. I was fine with this strange behavior since I already decided for myself to not "play those games" anymore. I was friendly and we chatted for some time and eventually hung up. This was the last time we talked on the phone. I have currently no urge to talk to them.
Now my siblings call me on a regular basis and ask me what is wrong with me. They tell me that my parents keep asking about me and my family and that they are "totally suffering". This of course makes me sad but I am not quite sure if they might play the victim card again. They just could call me and they know it (because I told them).
My siblings can not understand me at all. For them I am just acting tough on my parents because I didn't get the car. But I just want my peace and freedom from all of this. When I tell them about my realization ("psychological games") they tell me that I am "brainwashed". They just won't leave me alone.
The final question
How can I tell my family in the most politest and sensitive way that I am not interested in participating in the everyday family business anymore?
I want them to know that I am not angry at anyone nor do I want anyone of them to feel bad because of me. Is it irresponsible of me to break up with them?