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I've been engaged for 7 months with my girlfriend. We've been in a relationship for 3.5 years, we never got in a fight or went through a breakup, we had great compliance, I spoiled her with gifts, dinners etc.., we were together back in school then we graduated and started to work. I managed to find her the job she wanted (I proposed her profile) as she started in a job field that didn't suit her scholarship field. After 2 years I got a job offer in a different country and we both decided to move to that country together and she wanted to move more than I did.

Before moving together to that country I did find her a job (I was the one answering the interview questions as she could'nt) but in a different city far from where I live, So we've been in a long distance relationship since then and for the last 3 months we only talked 3 or 4 times and some of them only through texting, and I can't understand why she ignores my texts, why doesn't she call me or ask me about my day?

I did ask her why she changed. She said she feels like we got engaged quickly (altough she was the one who say we should get engaged). She confirmed that she wants to marry me but not now, and she said that any girl would wish to have a guy like me. I don't understand her motives as she seems to be contradicting herself.

My feelings are hurt, I started to ignore her as well and we haven't talk for more than a month now. I don't understand why she wants to marry me if she can't even ask me about my day? I know that she's not with somebody else.

How can I open a channel of communication with my fiancée? I miss her and I'd like to be able to talk to her so that we can discuss our relationship and just talk about what's happening in our lives like we used to.

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    If you are currently ignoring her, why would you expect her to keep attempting to reach out to you? In the rare times you do talk, have both of you been putting in the effort, or was it largely only one of you? – user8671 Jan 30 at 15:40
  • Thank you for your response. Both of us were putting the effort and i'm ignoring her so that she feels the difference. – GuillaumeGarcia Jan 30 at 15:52
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    @GuillaumeGarcia, that is an extremely unhelpful way to act, and pretty childish behaviour. – Zoe Howlett Jan 30 at 16:01
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    @Zoe Howlett you're right, i myself find this behaviour childish but before i started doing that she never asked how i'm doing now she does once in a week. – GuillaumeGarcia Jan 30 at 16:04
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Take a deeeeep breath.

It sounds like you feel like things are falling apart. But let's step back for a second and see what you've said here.

I spoiled her with gifts, dinners etc. [...] I managed to find her the job she wanted [...] she wanted to move more than I did [...] I did find her a job [...] I can't understand why she ignores my texts, why doesn't she call me or ask me about my day? [...] I started to ignore her as well

It seems like you feel that you've done all these things for your fiance and now when she wants personal space, you feel like you're owed her attention/love. And when you don't get it, you've resorted to passive aggressively ignoring her and taking your anger on the situation out on her.

I've been in your fiance's position before and let me tell you that all of your instincts in this situation (continuing to ask her what's wrong, why isn't she responding/becoming passive aggressive) will only make things exponentially worse.

Getting married is a big deal, no matter what country you live in. It's a life-changing decision and not one to make lightly. It sounds like your fiance is asking herself questions and she needs some space to do this. The worst thing you could possibly do is deny her that space and demand things of her. "If you're like this now, when you're only engaged, how much worse will things be in marriage?" she's probably thinking.

If I were you, I would treat this situation as a boon. It's actually a good thing that she's thinking so hard about the marriage. It means that if, after thinking, she's still on board with you, your relationship and future marriage will be that much stronger! Instead of bothering her and treating her as if she owes you something, I'd instead ask if there's anything that I can do to help her.

I'd say something to the effect of

Hey hun, I want to apologize for these last few weeks [work's been tough/I've been stressed/whatever other excuse you want to use] and I've been taking some of it out on our relationship. I love you deeply and I'm happy that you want to make sure of yourself before stepping into something as big as a marriage. Is there anything that I can do to help you think besides give you space? I just want you to know that I'm here for you.

Firstly, apologize for the way you've been treating her. As I explained above, it's not constructive or beneficial for anyone and has likely only been hurting her. And then offer your support as a SO should in times of hardship for their counterpart.

There is indeed a chance that she may decide not to marry you. That's just a simple fact of life. But even that I'd consider a boon. Wouldn't you rather she ends things now and gives you the ring back as opposed to having a turbulent, stressful marriage for some short amount of time before things messily end then? How many months or years of your life will you have wasted being unhappy in that case?

Overall, whichever way things play out, her taking time to think about things is beneficial for the both of you. I'd strongly suggest supporting her in this as (from what you wrote) you've supported her in other things.

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    I like everything you have said but I would be honest about why the OP has been acting up. That they were hurt when she started backing off – WendyG Jan 31 at 11:33
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    I agree with @WendyG. Such a drastic change in how his fiance acts to him has left him feelings vulnerable. Seeing messages left at "unread" has left him feeling vulnerable. I literally just went through the same thing, and it was very rough. He is probably seeing her come online (the boon and curse of whatsapp last online time etc), and disappear again without talking to him. That sinking feeling sucks, and I'm not surprised he's acted up. This is his fiance suddenly deciding to almost return them to the level of casual dating. – Philbo Feb 1 at 8:52
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    Not that I'm putting this all on her (as you can see in my questions to OP on his post), I'm just suggesting that his feelings on this are just as valid, and it's the actions he should apologise for, not how he feels. – Philbo Feb 1 at 8:59
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I think that you have two separate issues at play here:

1) Your relationship has some issues that need to be addressed if it is to continue

2) It is easy and convenient for you to ignore one another

There is some interaction between those, but it's important to point out that just fixing (2) won't necessarily do anything to help with (1).

It seems clear, from your description of events, that your fiancée is having doubts about your relationship and so is investing less into it. This is your core problem. A lack of communication can make this problem harder to understand, harder to talk through, and harder to resolve, but it is (in my observations of others) far more likely that (1) is causing (2) than the other way around. (2) is very likely to be an indicator of (1). I mention all of this to point out that, while I think it is a good goal to start communicating with each other more, more communication alone will probably not return your relationship to how it used to be.


So, how do you communicate more? I recommend putting the communication into the context of your relationship as it currently stands, accepting that you will probably not be able to reliably communicate with her as much as you prefer, and formalizing your communication schedule (for now).

Current context:

As scohe001's excellent answer suggests, your fiancée is reevaluating your engagement and your future together. This isn't necessarily a catastrophe-- she may well conclude that she does want to be with you, and having gone through this situation can then let her move towards that confidently and without resentment. But this is a situation that you cannot directly control, and past events and situations do not and cannot enforce any particular outcome. That is to say, her suggesting that you get engaged in no way prevents her from later changing her mind and does not require that she actually marry you.

The current situation is that you now have different goals for your relationship, and determining what you both want and how you can proceed is what you should be talking about. Casual chit-chat about your daily lives is probably not on offer, whether that's what you used to do or not.

Formalized schedules for communication

So she may not be very receptive to you suggesting that you two talk on the phone every single day, simply because for you that is a sign of a relationship as healthy as you want yours to be. By ignoring your calls and texts, she has already demonstrated that she's not interested in this right now. She may be more open to you two talking during a scheduled call once or twice per week. It's less of a burden on her time and attention, any formal arrangement you make is one that she will have agreed to (so you'll have some knowledge of her thoughts), and it's much easier to track whether or not you've talked the agreed-upon number of times in a week vs. whatever amount you feel is "enough".

Less contact than you want

It's very easy to not talk to someone that lives far away: just don't answer the phone, don't respond to texts, and, in more extreme cases, block all communications from that number. Your fiancée can unilaterally enforce zero contact, if that's her preference. You cannot do the same for your preference of more contact.

You've expressed some confusion as to the contradictory things that she's saying, but she isn't really contradicting herself. The most direct interpretation of her comments is that she doesn't think that there is anything especially wrong with you ("any girl would wish to have a guy like you", "she wants to marry you but not now") but that she is not sure that she wants to make this commitment right now.

You would be wise to focus on the meaning of things she has said and done, not looking for what you assume to be a technically correct interpretation of those things. If she wanted, 100% for sure, to marry you, she would not be doing and saying the things she has said and done. Your engagement would have continued without comment. Make no mistake: she is investing at least as much as she currently wants into your relationship; she is not investing far less than she would like for some mysterious reason. Trying to force her to dedicate more than that to your relationship stands a good chance of making her less happy with the relationship, causing her to associate your communications with negative feelings, and as a result terminate the relationship altogether.

My (loose) suggestion for how to initiate regular contacts:

Honey, I know that we've been drifting apart lately, and you seem to be having some doubts about our relationship. But I still love you, and want our relationship to succeed, even if that means that you need some space. Could we set aside some time to talk every week, maybe an hour or so on Wednesdays starting around 8?

I will also recommend apologizing for deliberately ignoring her. It's childish, spiteful, makes it easier for her to justify ignoring you further, and most importantly, intended to upset her, none of which are ideal in a future spouse. I suggest that this take place before and be separate from the request for more communication-- it's a problem, but a side-issue to your more pressing problems.

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    "more communication alone will probably not return your relationship to how it used to be." This. 100 times, this. The question is how to fix communication, but that's only a symptom, not the actual problem. Setting up a call schedule is also (in my experience) a staple of a successful long distance relationship. Awesome answer, Upper_Case! – scohe001 Jan 31 at 21:36
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Let me start with a basic question: why do we get married or what's the benefit of getting married?

You can come with a different perspective but from my experience the biggest benefit of getting married is to look a the far future together. The key word is together. Having kids (together), building a house (together), retire (together) and so forth.

So you guys have been together for enough time and you popped the question (congrats) however now you have either a 'bump' on the road or you have a 'fork'. In any event, those things happens before and during marriage (so perspective here).

If you consider it as a bump - give her the space and time she needs and everything will return to normal.

However, from what you wrote, is sounds more like a 'fork' in the road and I'm basing this primely on this:

My feelings are hurt, I started to ignore her as well and we haven't talk for more than a month now.

Given this you have 2 options:

  1. If she's the girl you want to marry to then do whatever it takes to get her back! Ask her how would she feel if you quit your job and come to live with her because you really want to take the relationship one step forward and you feel you made a bad judgment call with the distance. Listen to her reasoning (don't try to convince her but rather get her vibe, it's more on intuition level and less on a matrix result)

  2. She and YOU really need to re-think about everything and slowly let time do it's work. If it works - great, if it doesn't - bummer (but at least it happens before the marriage).

Usually when people want to be together, they do everything to be together. They will travel thousands of miles, spent a fortune, re-prioritize their lives just to be with the one they love. Don't give up on her if you love her and want to spend your life with her but it should be mutual. Together.

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