First need to tell that I am an Arab muslim and I live and have a fiance in a European country. We've been dating for about 3 months. We have a really good romantic relationship, no conflicts have been during this time. She tells me that she loves me and etc.

And then one day she told me that her coworker (their team leader & manager at the same time) at work after finding out that she has a boyfriend and he is Arab, told her that he searched in the internet and read that Arabs hit & abuse women and that he wouldn't recommend her dating an Arab/muslim man. She did not answer him anything because he is like a boss to her and she does not want to be in bad relationships with him. After a couple of days she asked me to promise her that I'll never abuse her. I made a promise. But there are some things I don't like in this situation, I'll tell what I think and it would be much appreciated if you people share your opinions. Where am I wrong and where I'm right.

Things I don't like:

  1. Why would her team-leader care this much about her relationships that he even spends his time searching the internet about Arabs ? I think this is abnormal to care about your coworkers romantic relationship. Probably he has feelings for her.

  2. I think this is incorrect from her side that she did not defend our relationship. She closed her eyes on her manager trying to ruin our relationship and he's telling racist things. This wrong I think she should have told him to mind his own business. Or am I wrong?

  3. She started doubting me now. Even we never had conflicts and etc, she asked me to give her a promise. I think this means she doesnt love me. She maybe thinks she does, but in reality she doesn't. I think I should end this relationship because it is wrong to be in a romantic relationship with someone you doubt.

This is what I think. Please correct me if I am wrong and share opinion. Thanks!

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    Hello and welcome! I've put your question on hold for the time being because unfortunately, just asking for opinions is primarily opinion-based, and as the help center describes we aren't here to give judgments on who is wrong and right in a situation. What we can do though is help with applying interpersonal skills towards a goal :) So, what is your goal in posting here, what were you going to do with this info? If you want to know how to tell her you feel about this, we could probably help with that, but we can't tell you why her boss said those things, for instance. – Em C Feb 1 '19 at 2:51

This site is about personal skills, so I'll answer your question with respect to how to handle the situation with your girlfriend.

There are 3 orbits here:

  1. Abusiveness has nothing to do with culture, the coordinates of your birth or your religion. she can marry a well respected Yale Professor (sorry for the example) and be abuse either physically, emotionally or both. So your promise to her is just a word. Your actions count! ask her if she saw you getting mad or losing control in the past 3 month you're together. Tell her about previous relationship you had - were there any incidents? That should be your line of 'defense' not a promise.

  2. Her boss - ignore him! there would be many future incidents from this nature and you just need to ignore it. The only thing you can do is prove him wrong. When you get together - show him what an emotionally-intelligent person you are. Never confront him for what he said, he's not in your league.

  3. About her - doubt is a very normal intuition. In fact, she should cast doubt about you and if you really like her, remove those fear from her head by being super emotionally intelligent and prove her wrong.

From my experience, if you decide to ignore the white noise (the boss) and focus on the core (your girl-friend) you're very likely to achieve a much better relationship.

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    I think we shouldn't answer questions that start with "should I" or ask for "sharing ideas/thougths". As discussed on meta, I believe that we should first very carefully read the OP, and ask for clarification/edit before we write an answer. I you don't agree, feel free to come over to meta and share your arguments. I don't mean to be rude, please correct me if I'm wrong, thanks :) – OldPadawan Feb 1 '19 at 6:54
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    I would like to point out that your first example implies that a respected Yale professor can't be arab. You may want to reconsider that. – user141592 Feb 1 '19 at 10:36
  • @Johanna: I didn't see it like that, but you teased my curiosity, so a quick search shows quite the same or opposite, depending on the way you see it :) Yale's listing - 1st link shows than most of the names (just starting with letter A) "sound" like Arab. So, yes, "many arabs are Yale's teachers", but no proof that any of them is abusing others. So, OP "can marry a well respected Yale Professor" and be abused or not, be the teacher Arab or not. It "has nothing to do with culture, the coordinates of your birth or your religion" 1/2 – OldPadawan Feb 1 '19 at 17:30
  • 2/2 so, yes, maybe the example can lead to misunderstanding and be reworded – OldPadawan Feb 1 '19 at 17:33

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