Approach friends about getting un-invited last minute with terrible communication and rude behavior?

Question

Last weekend, me and 4 friends (let's call them Alice, Bob, Cody and Danny) wanted to go to another friends place (which I don't know) to have some drinks. The friend, at which the gathering was, also invited some more of his personal friends. I myself and Danny didn't know anyone apart from Alice, Bob and Cody. Since 5 people weren't able to fit into one car, I offered to drive aswell (Alice is not allowed to carry 3 people in the back because there is no seatbelt in the middle, same for my car).

We met at Alice's place to have a little snack and then wanted to drive to the gathering in the nearby city. That's where all started: I didn't get a clear address as where to drive to, so me and Danny (Alice, Bob and Cody were in the other car) just randomly drove to the city, parked and waited for them to pick up the phone. We waited for like 30 minutes until for some very lucky reason, the others passed my car by foot. Bob then told us there was not enough space at the friends place for all of us and that we had to go home again. God knows how long Danny and me would have waited for an answer via phone if they didn't pass the car randomly. Also, Alice and Cody didn't even bother greeting nor saying goodbye.

I know that they might not even had any influence on the situation itself, they at least could have communicated with us quicker/be more upfront and for sure could have said goodbye. Danny and me really had the impression they just don't want us there. All in all, how the scenario played out left a huge feeling of disappointment and lack of respect.

I want to address this behavior and clarifying it was definitly not okay. However, I don't want to rant about it, rather I'd just like to know why they acted that way and if they are capable of doing better in the future. Otherwise I'd cut contact with them, because that wasn't the first time something like that happened (although it was never that harsh before). This was the final nail in the coffin for me. But I just don't want to loose them as friends, because if things work out we always have a ton of fun.

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Other things that already happened was them canceling or changing plans last minute, not sticking to already made plans (e.g. going home together after the club or sharing a taxi to save some money), being late all the time and not inviting me to things but then talk about these specific things later when we hang out, not giving money back on their own (I always have to remind them).

I think it's also worth noting that due to work and my upcoming holiday trip I won't be able to address this with them in the next 2 weeks. Is it suitable or worth even trying to sort this issue out via text? I feel like when the time finally comes to talk to them in person it all kind of gets brushed off as if it happened years ago. They did similar things already.

Answer 1

Well you already clarified that this is "the final nail in the coffin" for you, so I won't highlight the fact that these guys are not your friends.

What they did was way outside classic social boundaries, and if they are not especially socially inept (or suffering asperger, or anything like this), they're probably already very conscious of that fact. Looking at it, you're not very important for them, and making you feel bad is not a problem for them.

Knowing this, if you want to confront them, whatever the goal is, my main tip will be to do it one by one. A lone individual will always be wrong against a group, even if it leads to an infinite amount of bad faith for them. People are (generally) more friendly and human when they're not in group, too. Take them one by one and ask them whatever you want to. They won't have anyone to support them at the moment and they'll be forced to give you an answer.

If you're afraid of confrontation, prepare yourself : prepare your questions before you meet them, anticipate their answers, do repetitions if you think you'll need it. Try to do this by surprise, because if you ask before to meet them personally, they'll probably won't come or just flat out refuse.

Don't hesitate because it's two weeks old or more, it doesn't matter. Just explain clearly how what they did was rude. Stress out the worst points (potentially waiting out all night, exclusion, lost time, disdain).

If want to try and still meet them, place boundaries. You will tolerate this NO MORE. This was the last time. Make them know.

Good luck but if you permit a little subjective point of view, don't waste your time with these people. It's more than rude, it's straight out bullying.

Answer 2

I've been through a similar situation recently. I volunteer at a local charity which organizes a free cultural festival so that everyone can attend, regardless of their finances. I've been doing this for 6 years and today, I'm in charge of building and managing their website, but I used to design all their posters, invitations, basically all their visuals.

Last year, my manager stole my work. By that, I mean that they removed my name from all the visuals and put theirs instead. I was very hurt, both professionally as I lost the chance to show what I'm capable of in terms of design, but also personally, as I supported my manager through their recovery from depression and PTSD after a severe car accident. I remained silent until last week, when they accused a member of our team of basically taking their previous job and not putting any creativity into revisiting the visuals (so, stealing their work). This was more than I could take and I realized I couldn't keep it to myself anymore, so I used non-violent communication to tell them:

Hi, this has been on my chest for quite a while now, so I thought I should share it with you. [Last year], when you did [this], it made me feel [hurt/sad/betrayed]. Do you think we could avoid this situation in the future? We could [co-sign the future visuals so that both our names appear on it].

Non-violent communication is all about neutrally telling how you feel in consequence of something that happened to you. Its success lies in the fact that you don't make accusations against the person but rather explain how that made you feel, and it's fairer as though we can't control what happens to us, we are in control of how we react to it. I'm not saying that what they did to you and Danny was okay, but I think that just sticking to expressing your emotions is the best way to get them think about what happened and consider not doing it again in the future.
I know that disclosing your emotions is a hard thing to do, but it's the best way to make the person understand that you went through and to get them to reconsider how they behave with you in the future. Adapting the previous example to your situation, you could tell your friends something among the lines of:

Hey, I just wanted to tell you that I felt [hurt/sad/surprised] last weekend when we couldn't come to the party with you anymore. Do you think that in the future, you could tell us prior our departure about the lack of space at the party's venue? That may we may be able of replanning our night all together accordingly.

This neutral way of letting them know of your negative feelings towards what they did to you. This also offers an alternative to not repeat this again in the future. Maybe they don't realize yet how rude it was for them to do that - that's what happened with my manager, and this will give them a chance to know and adapt their behaviour in the future.

As suggested in another answer, I'd recommend you talk to them about it individually: it'd prevent them to team up against you. You could also ask Danny about what happened and how that made them feel. If they feel the same and if they agree that you share their feelings, you could use it to emphase your confession.

Now don't get me wrong: I think that what they did to you was incredibly rude and may show that they did not want you and Danny there. If it was indeed intended, that's a terrible way to convey their desire of not seeing you at that party, and I would not want to have them for friends. Now, I'm no one to judge your relationship choices, but I would advise you to consider looking for other friendships (maybe strenghen those with Danny?). But by telling them that, you'd have told them that their behavior was not okay, and now the keys are in their hands to change their behavior accordingly if they do not want to lose you.

_{spoiler: starting that conversation with my manager resulted in them apologizing, ensuring me that it was not intended to harm me and that they just wanted to promote their own work as well, as the manager of a charity's communication team. I'm glad we had that talk - even if it was a year late, it made me realize that no harm was intended. I'm not sure your friends did mean no harm but I don't think you'd have anything to lose in making them aware.}