How can I tell my friend to chill out?

Question

I have a friend (we'll call them Dallas) who gets frustrated very easily. Not mad, perhaps, but frustrated and short-tempered as a result of some minor incident.

A recent example is that we went to a bar to celebrate a friend leaving our city (goodbye party of sorts). Dallas had to take a rideshare back home, which costs about 8€, around 11 PM because they had to work the next morning. Dallas asked if any of their roommates were going back with them, but nobody was since we were staying out. Dallas was under the assumption that someone was going to split the cost of the ride, before we went out. So having to pay the full amount by themselves was frustrating. After a few minutes of asking around they became annoyed/visibly mad because they had to pay for the ride alone.

This would be understandable, except that another friend offered to pay (entirely) for their rideshare so that Dallas didn't feel burdened financially. Dallas didn't seem to care that someone was willing to pay for the ride, instead they stormed off and waited for their rideshare alone.

This is the most recent incident of short fuse with Dallas. Dallas is very high-strung and get frustrated and angry easily. There have been other far more minor incidents in which Dallas gets angry and walks off/storms off.

I'm a very chill person, so this kind of behavior makes me uncomfortable in that the situation escalates from nothing (or a very easily-solvable problem) to something that's "the end of the world". How can I tell Dallas to "chill out", to stop taking things so seriously and/or to let others help resolve their frustration (as with the rideshare issue)?

Overall I really like Dallas, but their short temper is difficult to manage. I'm not the only one in our group of friends who feels this way.

Answer 1

I had a somewhat similar problem once: How to deal with moody friend?

In my case it's gotten a lot better once:

1. He ended a toxic relationship whit his girlfriend then.

2. He has less stress at work now.

I think part of what helped him realize that he was in a bad place and to change that was that several friends told him that his mood swings sometimes made it unpleasant to be around him.

They were (to my knowledge) at least 3 different friends who, independently of each other and over the course of several weeks told him in a silent moment something along the lines of:

Hey, you are a really good friend so I thought I had to tell you that currently, sometimes I find it difficult to be around you. Usually I enjoy your company, but sometimes you have these sudden and unexpected mood swings for no apparent reason. Is there anything that is bothering you?

Note that we did not coordinate these talks, we just talked about it as we where worried about him. That's how it got to my attention that others talked to him about it also.

So my recommendation to you would be to just tell them honestly how you it makes you feel, if you experience such an outburst, reassure them of your friendship and offer your support.

Answer 2

It looks to me like this isn't really about the cost of the ride but more about feeling included in the group. Does anyone sometimes plan to do something with Dallas alone? Or do you guys have an actual smalltalk with him specifically? Or is Dallas more someone that gets invited only when "everyone" gets invited? So he's part of the group and is tollerated but nobody really pays actual attention to him.

Combine that with his expectation (someone coming home early with him) mismatching reality (you all stay later) feels much stronger to him than what anyone intends.

If this is the actual cause the solution is simple. You or someone else in the group that he gets along with even better could give him some more attention directly. Best case invite him over to chill at your place for some games or whatever hobby you guys have in common. This will make him also feel that he has good friends in the group over just acquaintances.

Have a good chat about what to expect in the group and that you treat him exactly like most of the other friends. Also try to figure out how you can get his expectations more aligned with what you would do.

Perhaps make more explicit agreements beforehand, like riding home together or since he'll have to go home early alone ask in the group that everyone pits in 2€ to pay for his ride as a "sorry you can't stay with us" gift.

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If talking one on one with him and trying to include him doesn't work in your group, try having a good talk with him about what to expect from this group of friends and why he might fit in better with a different group. This is a really difficult conversation and I'm not the best person to give advice here I believe. Just realise that sometimes someone doesn't really fit into a group and allow him an easy out instead of forcing yourself to keep inviting them and all the drama that comes with it (because nobody really can connect with them).