4

I like her, she works in the office with me, and we've known each other for a month. I had already been hanging out with her and some friends. We have confidence, but I have not exposed my romantic intentions with her. I want to go out with her to talk and drink some beers, after office, create an interaction of only her and me, and be able to take it to the romantic plane.

Once happened with a girl in a similar situation, where I invited her and she then took a male friend and I could not be alone with her.

Question

What is the best way that I can invite her without being explicit that I want to be only with her since my intentions are romantic?

Notes and clarifications

  • I don't want to be explicit (not showing that my intentions are romantic before going out). I think that it will create tension with her, and I don't want that.

  • I don't want to represent the outing as a group event, I want to represent it like a relaxed talk with a colleague.

  • I expect that she feels comfortable in the conversation, and then making little steps of closeness, turn in a romantic interaction plane. And see what happens, only then... If she refuses my intentions, I will accept the decision and move on.

  • In conclusion I want to "make a move", to transition the relationship.

  • So you want to create that exact tension on the spot instead? Or what exactly do you expect to happen here? – Imus Feb 28 at 15:52
  • 17
    @Darwin From personal experience as a woman, if you represent the outing as a group event and then 'surprise' her with a date, she may feel rather uncomfortable or even unsafe. I had a guy do this to me and even though I liked him I was confused and a bit nervous of his intentions when I found out he had essentially lied to me to get me alone. – Meg Feb 28 at 15:53
  • @Meg No. I don't want to represent the outing as a group event, I want to represent it like a relaxed talk with a colleague. but just she and me. – Darwin Feb 28 at 15:58
  • @Imus I expect that she feels comfortable in the conversation, and then making little steps of closessnes, turn in a romantic interaction plane. and see what happens, only that.. If she refuses my intentions, I will acept the decision and move on. – Darwin Feb 28 at 16:04
  • @Imus I just only want to create the opportunity – Darwin Feb 28 at 16:06
5

You can ask her for a friendly (not high pressure or overtly romantic) social meeting by inviting her to participate in an activity with you. By letting her know that you are inviting her specifically to do this activity, rather than that you are creating a group event that various people can/should attend, you can reduce the chance that she'll bring friends along. Note that she still might try to bring someone if she is not comfortable spending time alone with you (or with men in general).

Something pretty simple like

Hey, do you want to check out the new brewery in town with me? I was thinking of going Thursday night.

Key here is to ask if SHE wants to do something, not "Some of us were thinking of going to..." or "I'm looking for somebody to go with me to...", and then to keep the tone and the choice of events casual and not particularly romantic.

12

What is the best way that I can invite her without being explicitly that I want to be only with her?

You are asking how to invite someone out to be alone with them, without telling them that you want to be alone with them. There is no sure fire way to achieve this. If you invite them out without telling them that you would like it to be just the two of you, there is always a chance that they will invite others. It's possible that they may not invite anyone else, but you are just leaving it up to chance at that point.

Why do you want to avoid letting her know that you want to spend time with her one on one? – Meg

@Meg Because I don't want to be explicitly that my intentions are romantic before go out. I think that it will create tension on her, and I don't want that.

It is much easier if you ask her on a date (or at least imply that you have romantic feelings) up front. If she feels the same way or is willing to see where things go, she will accept. If she doesn't have feelings for you and declines then you have your answer. Even if you get to a point where you two are out by yourselves, springing your feelings on her then is much more awkward for her. What is she supposed to do if she rejects you when it is just you two? Does she leave? Does she stay with someone she just rejected? Asking her on a date up front makes the out much easier for her if she declines.

I'm unclear-- is your intention to spend time with her and then "make a move", to transition your relationship to a romantic one? Or to deepen your relationship one-on-one, and then try to transition to a romance later on? – Upper_Case

@Upper_Case, I want the first one choice, "make the move" – Darwin

You said that you didn't want to create tension for her, but how much tension will there be if you go to "make the move" and she isn't interested? Just ask her out on a date up front and let her know what your honest intentions are, she will appreciate that much more.

  • 1
    Hi Susdy1002. You're suggesting to OP to ask her on a date instead. Could you please provide more information on how he should do so? You're offering a nice frame-challenge to the question but since you offer an alternative suggestion, I think it'd be great to expand on that other option. Thanks in advance! – avazula Mar 1 at 9:31
3

Let me see if I'm understanding the question correctly:

You want to give her the impression that this is a relaxed outing with a colleague, but your actual (hidden) intentions are romantic and you'll be looking for an opportunity to "make a move".

Is that accurate?

If so, that sounds rather questionable at best, and downright creepy at worst.

Be honest with her. If you want a date, ask for a date.

If she's not interested, it will avoid any potential awkwardness if you try to make a move and it turns out that a relaxed talk with a colleague really was all that she wanted and it will also avoid wasting both your time and hers on a meetup where neither of you actually gets what you want (you, a date; her, a relaxed chat with a colleague).

If she is (at least potentially) interested, it will save you the nerves of wondering whether she shares your romantic intent or not and the effort of trying to figure that out, not to mention avoiding the need to find a way to deceive her about the intentions behind your invitation.

  • 2
    Hi, welcome on IPS. You're challenging OP's question, and there's nothing wrong in that. But you're advising them to clearly disclose their romantic intentions and ask the colleague on a date rather than on a casual colleagues hangout, without giving further information on how to do it. Could you please explain further how OP could ask her on a date? What could they say to her or what would be the appropriate time for asking? Thanks in advance :) – avazula Mar 1 at 9:02
  • 2
    @avazula - There isn't nearly enough information in the question to suggest a specific time or approach. I also note that you didn't ask Sudsy for those kinds of details, despite that answer making the same challenge to the OP's intent. (If you wanted to challenge my answer on the basis that you don't think it adds anything substantial to what Sudsy already said, I would understand that, but "you can't tell someone to be honest without exact details of how and when to implement that honesty" baffles me.) – Dave Sherohman Mar 1 at 9:22
  • 1
    Sudsy's post has the same issues, indeed. I'll leave a comment on that too. I started with your post because it is your first post on the site and it ended up in the review queue. But regarding your frame challenge: we usually encourage people who FC a question to offer an alternative solution to OP. Which you do: you advise OP to ask her on a date instead. This is an interesting suggestion and I think it could benefit from further explanation. – avazula Mar 1 at 9:28
  • Now, if you think OP doesn't provide information for you to properly offer an alternative suggestion, I'd suggest you ask them in comments for further details. Your answer is valid, I'm just curious on how you would handle such a situation :) – avazula Mar 1 at 9:29

Your Answer

By clicking “Post Your Answer”, you agree to our terms of service, privacy policy and cookie policy

Not the answer you're looking for? Browse other questions tagged or ask your own question.