How to tell long distance girlfriend we both did wrong without her closing up again

Question

I've been with my long-distance girlfriend for 8 months now, we are both in our mid-20s.

Last weekend we had a disagreement in an online game session: Once she went online I asked her to play a specific game and she responded that she doesn't want to play this game now. Ten minutes later she silently muted herself in VoIP (online voice service) and started the same game with friends of her.

I joined the VoIP of her friends, which we used to play together once, and confronted her in front of all her friends and told her that I don't have a problem her playing with others, but she should be honest and not silently disappear. She told me to leave the VoIP instantly and I did.

Since then she only blames me in messages for stalking and trying to control which people she plays with. Next day I tried to apologize for confronting her in front of all her friends and tried to express how it makes me feel unsafe when she does things behind my back. But her only response was more blame and that she won't interact with me anymore.

When I try to talk about problems I never make an accusation against her like "you did ..." but express how I feel. However she closes up nearly every time and ignores the conversation until I change topics.

She often tells me that I'm the man she would like to spend her life with, but I can hardly imagine what happens if we run into a real problem.

My goal: I would like to get in touch with her again and have an healthy relationship.

How can I tell her that we both did wrong and should not get mad about such a small problem without her closing up again?

Answer 1

Let's take a quick look at some of the things that happened and their inherent implications to your situation.

. . . and confronted her in front of all her friends . . .

This was a big mistake. You made a personal situation between you and her a situation with everyone. This is going to severely upset and likely embarrass her. Understand that what you did here was not okay and this is probably going be a big contributor to why she's avoidant to discussing the issue with you.

she only blames me in messages for stalking and trying to control (her)

If she's telling you she feels like that, you seriously need to look at this situation under scrutiny. Going into a group setting and trying to show everyone that you're having problems will put extra unnecessary pressure on her (which can be considered controlling). If there's other behaviors like this that you're exhibiting you'll need to think about and address those issues as well.

How can I tell her that we both did wrong and should not get mad about such a small problem without her closing up again?

Don't tell her that "you both did wrong". That's an excuse that's naturally going to deprive your apology of its original intent. You need to apologize for what you did. She can recognize and apologize for her own falling; that isn't your responsibility.

Focus on your own mistakes first. Tell her about your own problems (without making an excuse or trying to rationalize) them. Provided she has her own problems, then she can address them too. If you find she ignores them and continues having her own issues, you might want to consider cutting things off or taking a break.

She'll be a lot more likely to consider your apology and respond when you're not trying to bring her down at the same time. Focus on you and communicating your own issues first. It's then up to you whether or not you think you'll be able to salvage things and move on. Remember, proper communication is key; focus on your part and let her focus on hers.

Good luck! :)