My gf and I have been together for several months and recently moved in with each other. To clarify, she moved into my apartment. I have a high paying job, in fact I make quite a bit more than her, and the apartment we live in is way under the budget I could afford. Because of this, I decided to continue paying all of the bills when she moved in. She's offered to help, but I refuse because it would be hard for her financially and it's not a burden for me to just continue paying on my own.

Lately, she's been saying that I don't love her enough or that she loves me more. I've been compared to her exes a couple times and also compared to how my own friend treats his gf. This is all concerning to me because I can't believe she would ever think I don't love her. I've bought her expensive gifts for Valentines day and her birthday. When she is studying for school I have stayed up much later than I should have to help her when I needed to work in the morning. On top of everything, she knows I was reluctant to let her move in, but decided to do it anyway because it was most convenient for her job. I thought it was too soon, but she really wanted to because it's much closer to a good job that recently hired her.

How can I tell her that I don't like feeling guilty when she says I don't love her enough? I'd like to just tell her that it makes me feel guilty and to please stop, but I know what her response will be. She will most likely say that I'm taking her words "too seriously" or she may just say "fine" then go silent. The latter I consider another guilt trip technique.

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    Does she cite anything specific that you do or don't say/do when telling you that she thinks you don't love her enough? Or is that all she says? – scohe001 Mar 6 '19 at 21:55
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    @scohe001 She said she just "feels it". Once I walked into our apartment from work and didn't kiss her (2 min max) so she pointed it out. I immediately kissed her after she mentioned it, but she brought it up later as an example. She also brought up the fact that my friend posted a confession of his love to his gf on Facebook, but I've never did that for her. – Chris Mar 6 '19 at 21:59
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    As a comment that is not directly related, if she genuinely offers to help with the bills, then let her. It is a dignity issue, nobody wants to be a freeloader. If you want to partition them, so that she pays the same fraction of the bills as her fraction of income is to yours, that is usually a nice compromise. – Stian Yttervik Feb 6 '20 at 13:47

From what it looks like, it seems like your girlfriend doesn't feel particularly loved and understood. If this is happening there's something she likely expects from you, but it's hard to know what that might be isn't it?

There's a particular concept that really comes to mind from this and past experiences, known as The Five Love Languages. This describes the expectations of how two individuals expect to have affection/love communicated. It doesn't only apply to romance too, its uses extend beyond those types of relationships.

What it really tackles is figuring out what someone needs from you or what you need from someone else. The five languages are defined as the following:

  • Receiving gifts
  • Quality time
  • Affirmative words
  • Acts of service
  • Physical contact

Often times conflict and lack of feelings of love arrive from simply not understanding how your partner observes it. You need to figure out how both of you expect to receive love communication. Once you do that, you'll be able to balance your relationship and understand your partner a lot better. You'll know how they expect to feel loved and better serve that need.

From the comment you left, she was upset you didn't kiss her when you got home. She could expect "Physical Contact" as a language and having a kiss when you get home is something that's important to her.

Have a discussion with her about these love languages and ask her what's important to her and what makes her feel loved. You will no longer have the need to actually tell her to stop guilting you because you won't feel guilty anymore (since you know what she wants you to do). By fixing the root problem, you will remove the undesired side-effects. :)

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    to your examples, you might want to add that OP mentions he gives her (expensive) gifts and expects that to confirm his love for her, while she might not really care as much about the gifts as he thinks. – user2848 Mar 7 '19 at 9:57

To be honest with you man it sounds like she’s feeling deeply insecure. That insecurity may not even be linked with you and can totally belong to someone else. She may be transferring over old hurt from old relationships and kind of making you the target of that unwanted psychic energy.

The truth is this is very common. Some people will bring over old pain that just DOES NOT belong to you and will try to get you to hold it.

Do you feel like you want to hold those bags is the real question? Do you feel you can reassure her all the time? Do you feel you should have to? Can you let her know that you’re not “Ronny or Patrick or Steve” or whoever the heck else she’s comparing you with?

Because at the end of the day these are all control behaviors. She’s hoping to control you and keep you interested as there’s something to “fix”. But in truth it’s not you that needs fixing. It may be her own internal turmoil that needs to fix itself.

Sounds like your girl has a pattern with men that is very anxious. Likely stems from her relationship patterns in her own home as a kid. Just remember man if you are truly doing everything you can to make her feel secure and she isn’t feeling it, then it’s a her problem not a you problem at a fundamental level.

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