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While using my girlfriend's laptop I happened to see a message notification from a guy she met on holiday just before we started dating. I was working and she was sitting in front of me using her smartphone... and I could see all the notifications on the laptop. They not only keep in touch, but he proposed to visit her (he'd come from Turkey, and she lives in Poland) and she seemed excited about the idea. I live about 200 km away from her, so we meet only on the weekend. She did not tell him she has a boyfriend.

She also keeps warm (if you catch my meaning) one of her exes, that keeps inviting her for a date for almost a year.

She doesn't reject any of them by saying she has a boyfriend. Instead, she keeps buying herself time by saying "I am busy with work", "I have lots of business trips on the weekend" (that would be when we meet) and so on...

What angers me is that she texts them also when we are together.

How can I bring up the topic to make her confess that... and understanding what's going on...inducing in her the feeling that I know about it, but without saying (and without making her understand) that I read the messages?

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    Have you tried anything so far? Why not tell her you read the texts accidently as they popped up while you were working? – XtremeBaumer Mar 7 at 10:08
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    Not yet... She often said she was not sure about our relationship for several issues (I am separated) I was faraway on Christmas time for 2 weeks to see my son. My bad I kind of disappeared, and she fought with me thinking that I had somebody in my home town (or that I was still with m ex). This probably made her feel insecure, and she encouraged other guys. Now things are good, but she keeps hiding this stuff to me. I would like to check if she is honest with me and giving her the chance to tell me about it...and see what happens. – drSlump Mar 7 at 10:18
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    Have you any of you ever promised to be entirely open to the other? If not, maybe that would a route to go? – XtremeBaumer Mar 7 at 10:30
  • We never did. I would like to though and I tried, but she is so closed. I do not know where to start from. I do not understand... We meet every weekend, sex is great. She wouldn't even have time to meet somebody else. She comes to me whenever she has time. She belongs also to a wealthy family so she does not need my money. Then why to keep in touch with all this people? Is there maybe something wrong with her? – drSlump Mar 7 at 10:42
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    Is the issue with the messages you read the same as the issues you have with her keeping in contact with other men? By which I mean, do you need to bring up the messages you read in order to address your concerns, or are they just an example of a general issue that you could discuss without that example? – Upper_Case Mar 7 at 17:08
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I think an important thing to understand and realize is the feelings you have for this situation. You say that your girlfriend makes you worried given her recent behavioral developments; she does things that concern you about the health of the relationship.

The messages that you noticed are just another behavior she's exhibited that you found you do not like. I propose that rather than addressing one thing specifically, you talk to her about everything you've felt.

There's a few things you might want to note about your situation as I understand it:

  1. It seems like there's a lack of trust in both directions
  2. Communication seems to be less than ideal
  3. Little understanding of entirety of situation

You'll need to address these issues to have a more stable and healthy relationship by talking to her about how you felt in response to things she's done before.

Realize that constantly confronting her about who she messages or talks to is only going to make you look insecure and controlling; subsequently making her defensive of the situation. If you don't like who she talks to or sees, you can tell her how you feel about them and then make the decision of whether or not the relationship is worth continuing.

Those behaviors she's showing that you don't like are only part of the problem. There's a much more concerning root problem: lack of trust and understanding of each other.

For the foreseeable future: start establishing trust, openness, and a good communication channel. You'll find that when you're both on the same page you'll be less likely to encounter problems like this.

How can I bring the topic on the table and make her confess . . .

You can't "make" anyone confess. Also consider how you're prejudging her by looking at it as a "confession". How do you know she's actually done something wrong yet with these guys? Go into your conversation with open eyes. Don't form any conclusions until you've discussed the issue with her.

. . . and understanding what's going on...inducing in her the feeling that I know about it, but without saying (and without making her understand) that I read the messages?

You're making this too complicated. It really is as simple as telling her how you feel about the messages in general. Don't be specific and accusatory. Just tell her something like:

Hey love, I've noticed you talking with other guys lately and it worries me there might be something wrong between us. Am I wrong to feel this?

Focus on the topic of how you feel. Tell her it worries you with all the men she's talking to and how you're concerned about the relationship. Don't tell her she can't do it or she's wrong for doing so, that'll only make her more upset since you're attempting to control her behavior.

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As you are together for quite some time now, I'd suggest to have a talk about being completely open to each other. Its far easier to start this topic if you yourself have something you want to tell her.

Sit her down in a relaxed moment, and tell her that you want each other to be entirely open to the other. Then tell her what this includes for you (contact with exes, being in cantac with someone who you know who loves/likes you, and so on). Then you should tell her something that falls within one of the categoriest o show her good faith. And finally you can ask her if she wants to share anything with you. Don't pressure her. Ask her once and if she declines, leave it be. Unless you actually want to confront her, never ask her that question again.

In the case she declined, you should wait until you happen to read a message again. As soon as that happens, ask her who it is and have her explain it to you, why they are in contact etc.

If you get to the point where you really want to confront her about it, because she hasn't told you on her own, you can go a route like this:

Honey, do you remember how we promised to be completely open to each other? Well, I have the feeling that you haven't been completely open to me, as I happen to read some texts from Bob and Carl, which strongly suggest so. Would you tell me whats up with that?

  • I like it. But I do not have much to share. Since I met her I was totally in love. I eas contacted from some ex of course, had opportunities for other dates. But just did not want it. So how could I show my good faith? – drSlump Mar 7 at 12:06
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    Could be literlly everything you havent told her. Though it should be something with impact, something that bothers you. For example on ongoing legal proceeding, money issues, trust issues, whatever comes to mind. There is no need for it to be something you did / didn't – XtremeBaumer Mar 7 at 12:11
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  • Fact: she texts other men even while she's with you.
  • Fact: she never mentioned them that she's in a relationship with you.

No matter how you found the messages. Since you did not bring that out at that time, you should not mention it now.

She might get nervous, feel guilty and lie or deny the fact she's hiding your relationship. A discussion, under those circumstances, may end up a break (which I understand you don't want).

If the only reason for her to keep the doors open is that she still feels insecure (as per your own words):

"She often said she was not sure about our relationship for several issues (I am separated) I was far away on Christmas time for 2 weeks to see my son. My bad I kind of disappeared, and she fought with me thinking that I had somebody in my home town (or that I was still with m ex). This probably made her feel insecure, and she encouraged other guys. "

You just need to make her know she's the only one for you. And discover if she fells for you too.

Sometimes when I need to bring a discussion to the table, I comment something I read.

You may bring the subject commenting you stumbled upon this article (or similar):

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-to-figure-out-whether_b_11682632

You may say something like:

I can't understand why this works for some people. Being with you I cannot think about needing to be romantically involved with someone else.

With that article as an excuse, you may find a way to lead the conversation to your own compromise. Polyamory couples mostly keep a no-secrets rule, so you could point to your need to have a 100% sincere commitment with her and from her.

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