How can I lay out my reasons to my girlfriend for why we shouldn't get married?

Question

My girlfriend isn't a citizen of the US and I am. We've also have only been dating for 4 months.

So when we first started dating she said that if I wasn't ready for commitment in the range of 1-3 years, then we should reconsider continuing our relationship. She laid out her reasons, with the main one being she needs a green card, but also most of her friends/family are married already. We're in our late 20s and in her culture women are typically married before that age. My own thinking was that 1 year seemed too soon, but 2-3 is reasonable if we're happy in our relationship. I told her that I can't predict the future, but if we're happy then I don't see why we couldn't get married.

After 3 months together (1 month ago) she pressured me to move in together. It came down to an ultimatum of we live together or we break up. I really liked her (loved?) so I caved. In my mind the worst that would happen was we break up and she moves back out.

So recently, she's been hearing about all types of family issues back home and she brought up marriage to me. She knows I think it's WAY too soon so she began begging me to marry her. From what she said, she wants to become a citizen and be a pathway for other relatives to come to the US. Her begging went as far as offering to pay me. Each month, I donate $100 to a foreign charity that I strongly believe in. She brought that up and said that "why can't I help her if I'm willing to help those people?" We argued a lot, but are now in equilibrium again. She told me that by helping her I'm helping her entire family and the younger generation.

As strange as it sounds, I do believe she cares about me, but I also think she needs to think of her family. Everything she says tears at my soul and makes me feel horrible. I want to help, but I know deep down that this isn't what I should do.

I want to lay out reasons why this is a bad idea. Here is what I want to say:

• Both of us could get in severe trouble. Even if we "love" each other, the US is going to be extremely suspicious of a marriage after only knowing each other for less than a year.

• I'll be required to support her for at least 10 years. Even if she doesn't sue me for support, the government could if she ever goes on unemployment.

• I could lose half of everything in a divorce, even with a prenup because I've heard a lot of times those aren't enforceable.

• A wedding, ring, etc are all expensive. She already mentioned we don't need this, but it's going to look even more suspicious if we don't have any of it.

• We just don't know each other well enough. So while I believe I love her, any marriage at this point is fraud even if no money is involved.

• My friends are going to think I'm "crazy" and probably assume there are other motives (which there are of course). They already thought I was crazy to move in together so soon.

• I have other issues that I also need to worry about, such as my dad's failing health.

How can I lay out my reasons to her without reading them off like cold facts?

Answer 1

Appeal to emotions

Maybe the first thing I would recommend would be to stay really grounded on how you feel. To make it OK for you not to want a marriage at this moment of your life. The more aligned you are with your decision, the more sincere (and convincing) you can be, and the more you can avoid hurting her, because this is not about her, it's about how you feel and you being honest to yourself.

While "cold" facts can be very overwhelming, they are not the core of your decision not to marry now.

The problem is not that it's too soon for a cultural standard but that you feel it's too soon for you.

Below the fear of what everybody thinks (including the government), there is the fear of the marriage not working.

With statements like

So while I believe I love her (...)

and

I could lose half of everything in a divorce (...)

you expose that you just don't feel ready to commit at that level. And that's perfectly OK.

Explain how you feel, what you want from the relationship right now, how the pressure is making you ponder whether to continue or not, and make clear that it's not lack of caring for her. I would avoid mentioning money, legal consequences and other people judgements, because while you have to consider them, they are not that relevant to the root of your decision and would give space for the conversation to deviate somewhere you don't want to go now.

I would go with something like:

I deeply care for you and I feel something real. Honoring my feelings for you, I refuse to make promises I can't keep.

I wish that the right thing for me and the right thing for you would be the same, but if our priorities are too different we need to either balance them or to go separate ways. I am being honest with myself and as much as it pains me to hurt you, I will never do anything that I don't feel adequate for me. I am deciding to respect my own process to be ready because when I marry, I want it to be a slow-growing and shared excitement, not a rushed pact.

I would like to continue the relationship and support you in all the ways that I can, let the love grow by itself at its own pace. I believe that you feel something real for me too and I ask you to please understand that the pressure we would acquire would be too much for a 4 month relationship.

Answer 2

From what she said, she wants to become a citizen and be a pathway for other relatives to come to the US. Her begging went as far as offering to pay me.

This would be immigration fraud. Absolutely do not accept money for marriage; you can go to prison for it.

If her goal in getting married is to circumvent US immigration laws, then she is committing fraud regardless of what you do. Perhaps you believe this is acceptable regardless of the legality, but you may not want to break the law yourself.

Pressuring someone past their comfort level in a relationship is worrisome in general; when there is clearly illegal intent behind the actions, it becomes a red flag. Tread carefully.

Be prepared for conflict if you continue to refuse; also, prepare yourself mentally for the possibility that you are being used.

She may be a perfectly good person, or she may be the perfect person for you. Or both. However, your response should consider these issues even if you do not address them openly, although I generally recommend discussing serious concerns openly. You should examine her motives carefully to determine if you are the perfect person for her rather than merely being the most convenient one.

I understand this is challenging the frame of the question, which I believe is important here. Once you feel you understand her motives and have accepted some involvement in her plans, then Aurinxki's answer is a very good approach to the situation.