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There are multiple questions about expressing to family/friends that you don't or might not want children.

I personally feel that my father's side of the family didn't do a great job about acknowledging that I might not have children while my mother's side was fine. My father's side is 2 grandparents + my father, my mother's is 2 grandparents + 3 girls. I am an only child and the only one of my cousins old enough to have kids.

The first ones will regularly talk about the fact that they would love being grandparent / great-grandparents and would have some of the reactions pointed in previous questions such as "you are still young so it's ok to don't know" or "anything could happen, you could be sterile, gay, even though I'd prefer you wouldn't, and I'd still love you". Those specifics example are behaviours I'll do my best to avoid if I have children one day.

The other part of the family didn't talk nearly as much about my hypothetical children but still was clear about the fact that they'd prefer me having children over not having some. However as I said it didn't feel as pushy at all.

I totally get where that wish comes from: they're parents, it was a good experience and they want me to have the same and have a chance to participate a bit in raising another child. Also, it's their feelings and they're entitled to have them. It isn't far fetched to think that I might feel the same if I get children, but I don't wanna them to feel this way about my desire for them to """give me""" grandkids.

However I can't figure out the main points that led to the discrepancy I felt between my mother and father's side and want to make sure I'm able to react properly if I'm in this situation one day.

My question is then: how do you express the fact that you'd love to be a grandparent without putting pressure on your kids to have children?

For simplicity's sake I used the parent/child relationship, but grandparent/grandchild and so on are of course welcomed.

closed as too broad by Ælis, scohe001, Rainbacon, Tinkeringbell Apr 19 at 16:32

Please edit the question to limit it to a specific problem with enough detail to identify an adequate answer. Avoid asking multiple distinct questions at once. See the How to Ask page for help clarifying this question. If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

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    Hey, I feel like your question is lacking details and context. First, what is your relationship with your child? Second, why do you want to convey that to them? For what purpose? Also, did you already try to say something in the past? How did it want? – Ælis Apr 19 at 13:18
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    wait, you don't even have a child? And you're wondering about how to convey this one piece of information to them? What about "I want you to go to university, but I am not putting pressure on you" or "I want you to buy a house, but I am not putting pressure on you" or a thousand other things like that? Why this one question now, before the target of it even exists? – Kate Gregory Apr 19 at 13:28
  • @Ælis No child yet, but have been on the receiving end, meaning that I (feel that I) have/am being pushed to have kids by one side of the family while I don't get this feeling from the other side. As to "why" I'd say that it makes sense to talk of your desires with your child, even if they might not like it. The goal here is to make sure to do it in a way that respect their opinions, but also allows the parent to not repress their feelings. Kinda like understanding without approving I guess? – true Apr 19 at 13:48
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    I think it would greatly help if you could at least edit this to point out what about your relatives behaviour made you feel pushed. Try to make clear if there were specific phrasings, or was it their timing (when they made the remarks), the amount of times the remarks were made, the number of people around when remarks were made and their reactions to the remarks, that kind of stuff :) Did they give up easily when you said 'no'? – Tinkeringbell Apr 19 at 14:32
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    Based on my own experience, I feel like this could also be influenced by whether the child is an only child or has siblings who might be / are interested in having kids, so it might be harder to give a general answer. So that would also be useful info to add if you decide to edit like Tinkeringbell suggested :) – Em C Apr 19 at 15:06
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I'm starting to be the age of when in my culture, people would expect me to start wanting to have children. I also have an history of uncertainty regarding whether I'd like to have children (it was a firm "no" for me throughout my whole teenagehood, but I'm now considering having blood and adoptive children) and my family knows about it- both that I used to not want to be a parent and that I since have changed my mind a bit. So right now they're unsure whether I'll have kids one day and if so, when.

My (single) mother would really enjoy being a grandmother one day but always did a great job at not pushing her views against me. What she would do that would let me understand that she'd like to have grandchildren is that she makes jokes about it when the situation allows it.

For instance, we'd see a couple of very young kids in the streets eating chocolate and I'd say something about the fact that I don't think it's wise to give that many treats to such young children. She'd then say:

You'll see when you have kids- I'd let them have all the treats they want when they're at my place for the holidays!

Or she'd joke about how happy she'd be to ruin my parenting efforts by letting my hypothetical kids do whatever the heck they wanna do when they visit her.

That's how my mother made me understand that she'd enjoy being a grandmother sooner or later. She approaches the topic when we're already talking about kids so it doesn't seem like she's pushing her views against me. She also never questioned my will of remaining a nulliparous when I was a teenager who was very preoccupied by climate change and the world we'd let our kids live in. I'm her only child, yet she manages (and always have) to respect my decision should I do not want to become a parent ever, and that is, I think, the most important thing for you to do too.

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