12

Life happens, and my SO broke up with me. I understand her point of view, I have my own, and I am kinda ok with what happened, although it is a bit hard on the feelings, but you just need to give it time.

Then I reported the news to my mother, she was supportive, asked how I am doing (which I told it I am ok, not lying) and I hoped things stayed that way.

However, to show support, she now messages me every morning with a "good morning", every lunch with a "good afternoon", every evening with a "how was your day". This is so out of the norm for our communications that it makes me remember that I am single because I got dumped. It is like the Streisand effect.

I know she is doing this because in her head she needs to show me she is supporting me, and I understand that it is in good faith. I also know that she doesn't take criticism very well, so I fear she will get sad with me if I tell her to stop, making things worse.

How could I tell her in a way that I don't hurt her feelings for trying to help?

  • Is just ignoring these messages an option? Also, you mention this being out of the norm for your communications; what's your norm then? – Laurent S. Jun 25 at 15:19
  • The norm is once in a blue moon communication to be honest. Like once or twice per month we talk, not three+ times per day – Moacir Jun 25 at 16:39
  • How long has it been going on for? If it's just a week or month it may well calm down. – Smock Jun 27 at 16:20
10

There are a whole host of factors that could be at play here on your mom's side depending on how many siblings you have, how old your mother is, where in your life the two of you are, etc... But at the end of the day, your mom cares a whole lot about you. From an outsider's perspective, this is extremely cute and heartfelt. Your mom is worried about you!

This may sound a little cheesy to you right now, but this motherly affection isn't something that will last forever. I would strongly advise you to cherish it while you can.

That being said, your mother's main goal here is to show you that she's there for you and make sure you're alright. If you only want her to stop messaging you so often, let her know that the message has been received!

I'd send her (or maybe even call her to say) something like:

Hey mom, I really appreciate how you've been checking up on me recently. It means a lot to have that reminder that you're always there for me no matter what happens. I've been feeling a lot better lately, but I feel like the best thing for me right now is a little space. For now at least, would you be alright if we go back to our once or twice a month phone calls?

From my own experience with my mother, this would be the perfect solution. I've opened with an acknowledgement of what she's attempting to do and letting her know that she's accomplished her goal. Then--as gently as possible--I make the request of going back to how things were before.

8

A few years ago, a series of event happened to me and my mood was very low. As a result, I moved back to my parents' place.

My mother read online that turmeric* helped to improve conditions such as mine. She then started to put it in EVERY dish (starters, main course, desert, snacks, ...), to the point where it became ridiculous.

While I understood the good intentions, I faced a situation similar to yours where each meal reminded me I was feeling unwell.

What worked for me was calmly addressing the issue with her. I first told her that I knew she meant well, and I appreciated the gesture. I also acknowledged that she didn't really know how to act, and that she genuinely wanted to help me. However, I told her that the excessive attention was being detrimental. I told her that I loved her nonetheless, she cried, we hugged, and from then on she stopped putting turmeric in my yogurts.

So basically, tell your mother how you feel about her messages. Be kind, don't blame her, but be firm about the effects of her texts. Also remember that even if the effects are not what she originally wanted, she is trying to help you. In your case, you can also provide an alternative, for instance no more daily text, but plan a call every weekend to allow her to catch up with your life.


*Turmeric indeed has some anti depressant properties, but they are very mild and should in no case replace proper medical care. Also, I'm French, so turmeric is not used very often in our everyday cuisine, which made this feel all the more forced.

  • 1
    This is a great advice, and is on similar note of the previous answer. I am just accepting the other one because it keeps the distance instead of the physical interaction. If I still lived with my mother, I would surely do this. Thank you. – Moacir Jun 27 at 12:07

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