I broke up with my girlfriend 2-3 months ago, before that we've been together for almost two years.

Before breaking up, the relationship was the best I ever had. We loved each other, loved each other greatly, the type of love where we would do anything for each other and we were also really compatible.

The reasons for breaking up are really relevant, but we had a big lousy fight at my place, when my family was home too, and that was one of the main reasons. I was the one who decided to break up, and she was really against it.

After the break up, we remained friends with benefits, until around 3 weeks ago. During that period we used to hook up a couple of times a week and spend 4-5 hours together. She was still having strong feelings for me and so did I.

The last time we hooked up, after we were "done", we just laid in bed, I was laying on my back and she had her head on my chest. At one point, she starts hugging me pretty hard, so I looked at her face and I see tears coming out of her eyes. I didn't say anything, pretended I didn't see, but that really teared my heart apart and made me realize this was really not healthy for her, I think she realized that too.

After that, both of us had a really busy period so we didn't have the chance to hook up. (One thing to note here is that, during the "friends with benefits" period, I was really encouraging her to go out with other men and I told her multiple times that what we were doing is just temporary, until one of us finds someone else).

Fast forward a bit, more than two weeks have passed since we last hooked up, and I started realizing that I miss her, a lot. Not the sex, but her.

I realized that I was not hooking up with her for the sex, as I had believed, but just to spend time together. Few days passed since that realization, and I decided to ask her if she wants to give us a second chance.

But before that, I first asked her best friend how was she doing and what did she think about us getting back together. Her best friend told me that she didn't think it was a good idea, because my ex has started seeing someone else and she is finally getting over me, but that she still had really strong feelings for me and if I would ask her about getting back together, it would really mess her feelings up.

Having heard that, I was split in two. But if there is even a 1% chance of getting her back, I would do anything to have her back in my arms.

So that gets us to this day. I have decided I want to ask her if she wants to get back together, regardless of anything else. How to tell my ex I would like to get back together without hurting her feelings as I've been told she's starting to get over our relationship?

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    Why asking her would hurt her feelings exactly? Can you be more precise?
    – Ael
    Commented Jul 3, 2019 at 9:10
  • 1
    @Ælis As her friend said, she is finally ready to move on, although she still has feelings for me, therefore, me asking her to get back together might trigger her feelings for me to be even more powerful and she will be in a position where she won't know what to do, this is what I think her friend meant, at least. Commented Jul 3, 2019 at 13:19

1 Answer 1



I've been in your situation before, and it is a very tricky one. Twice while I was in college, I broke up with a girlfriend before later deciding that I wanted to get back together, and things worked out the same way both times.

The first time

My relationship with Lucy was quite similar to how you've described your relationship with your ex. We felt very much in love and everything was going great. After we broke up, I didn't see her much for about a month. Eventually, I realized how much I missed her and that I wanted to get back together.

What I did

When I finally couldn't take it, I went to Lucy's dorm room and asked if we could talk. I took full responsibility and admitted that I had made a mistake. I talked about how much I missed her and how my reasons for breaking up were wrong.

The second time

Much like your relationship, when I broke up with Alina, we kept having sex. Eventually, we talked and I had a similar conversation with her that I did with Lucy where I admitted that I was wrong, and we ultimately got back together.

How can you talk to your ex

The key thing when you have the conversation is for you to take ownership. Admit that you were wrong. Explain your reasoning for breaking up, and how it was incorrect. Then tell her how you feel. Explain exactly what you've explained to us

I miss her, a lot. Not the sex, but her.

You should make it a point to stress that what you miss is her and not the sex. I found out several months later that continuing to have sex with Alina after we broke up was really bad for her because it made her feel as if her only value to me was the sex. What I'm trying to say is that as much as I'd like to tell you that this will help you without hurting her, I can't. In both situations where I got back together with an ex, they were already hurt. The breakup itself had hurt them. Staying friends with benefits with Alina after the breakup hurt her.

A word of caution

In both instances, admitting that I was wrong and explaining how I felt helped me get back together with my exes. There is one thing though that you should consider before making the attempt. I mentioned that both situations turned out the same. We got back together and dated for a while longer. The relationship was never as good as it had been before the breakup. We fought more, and ultimately broke up again. In both cases, the second break up was harder on us than the first.

If you are truly serious about making your relationship with your ex work, then this answer can help you, but be prepared. The relationship won't just pick up where it left off, and it will be a lot harder moving forward. Even if you can get back together without hurting her, you are risking hurting her even more if you break up in the future.


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