How to counter/explain wife's double standards and avoid negativity [closed]

Question

I have been married for almost 5 years. My wife and I have a son who just turned 3. At the beginning of our relationship things seem to be really on track but since our son arrived, i've been battling constant negativity, double standards and agressive criticism up to a point that i'm seriously thinking about getting a divorce. Recent example, our son was sick so she was admitted with him to the hospital for 3 days and then she took another week off from work as a sick leave. She constantly worked while our son watched tv during the day. During this period, they went out exactly 1 time to the park. No other significant activities. After I arrived home from work, I did the chores around the house, dishes, laundry but mostly I played with our son as she said she didn't get any work done and kept on working. Now, since it was too soon to send him to daycare, it was my turn to stay at home for a week. I did again all the chores, went to eat at my parents house, worked while my son slept, then picked my wife up, went to the park in the afternoon, worked some more at night while they were sleeping and so on. I even took my son one day and bought her lunch and delivered it to her office. Now, after this stay-at-home, my wife bluntly said to me while our son was with us that I didn't do anything around the house and if i'm on leave, I should exclusively play with our son. This was simply infuriating and frustrating. I explained that I had to work just like she had to work but she said that she was on medical leave and I was on simple or rest leave and it's totally different. She then said that I don't own or run a company, which is true, but she manages 30 people. I then enumerated all the chores that I did, she went silent for a while then she said that when she came home, the house was a mess. I totally disagreed.

NOTE: I've tried voicing my feelings but the thing is she doesn't listen. After a sentence or two she will remember an issue she had with me, interrupt me, talk over me, throw it in my face as a counter example or simply say: That never hapenned or If you don't like it, then leave, this is my house anyway.

Answer 1

Having a child changes people and their relationship significantly. She sounds to me like she is under a lot of stress (real or imagined or both) and is taking it out unfairly on you, leaving you holding the bag on chores and interaction with your son.

My suggestion is to emphasize to her that you value your relationship and marriage and want to work on it together. Find a couple's counselor. In the counselor's environment, watch how she responds to the counselor when they suggest that your wife alter her behavior or view your behavior differently. That will be a good gauge as to whether she will remember how to treat you with respect and be willing to change and work on the marriage.

In addition, I would suggest to your wife that she seems to be under terrible stress and suggest to her that she undertake counseling on her own in lieu of couples counseling or in addition to it. If she says you're the problem, you can lead by example and engage in individual counseling--you sound like you could use that release valve even if she doesn't go and it'll be a good resource if you find she's not willing to change and you decide to divorce.

Citation: My husband and I met at 19, married at 21, and had a child at 26. By the time our child was about 3, we were fractiously struggling with each other and headed toward divorce. We went to couple's counseling where the counselor helped us learn to communicate effectively and respectfully. She helped each party be listened to by the other party. My husband resisted individual therapy for many years, but I went on my own and found that it bolstered me during a difficult time. Eventually, as I had set an example and normalized the idea, my husband went to individual therapy to work on his temper/anger/boundary issues. Today, many years later, we are happy together and continue to communicate the way our counselor taught us nearly twenty years ago.

It's important to underscore that during that twenty years, my husband was diagnosed with clinical depression and was treated. I was diagnosed as bipolar (which is very hard to diagnose--I was misdiagnosed for a long time and the worst thing you can do to a bipolar person is treat them with antidepressants as the SSRIs make mood swings worse) and was treated. Appropriate treatment helped significantly. Don't rule out the notion that you and/or your wife have underlying issues that are increasing the difficulty of your marriage right now.