How can I email a former schoolmate who starred in porn if she needs my help, without being creepy or spooking her?

Question

21 y.o. alumna from my nephew's high school starred in some porn last year. He overheard some ladies talking at supermarket, and didn't believe them – until he watched them online to verify himself. She didn't tell him about the porn.

He hasn't kept in touch, but they talked back then. They were in same multi-grade Teacher Advisory Group (TAG)*. He has just her university email from her Face-book, but no telephone number. She was a very nice person in general. She was tender-hearted to him, and tutored him to earn her volunteering hours.

We don't know why she did porn, but he thinks she needs money to pay tuition. She's an undergrad at US university that charges almost $80,000 USD for tuition and room and board. Soooo costly!

He wants to email her to offer help and lend money. I said I can loan or gift her money. But how can he email without startling her? If he emails out of the blue asking if she wants help, she can figure out he knows her porn.

TAG groups build community and provide an opportunity for students to develop trusting relationships with faculty and other girls within their grade. Upon beginning their Senior School career[...], students are assigned a staff member who will be their advisor. This program fosters important relationships, instilling a sense of pride and connectedness[...]. The social, emotional and ethical growth of the students is the focus of this nurtur-ing environment.

Addendum

She never posted on Facebook about potential financial troubles, neither does she have a link for donations like PayPal or Venmo. We do not know her views about porn or sex work.

Answer 1

This is a tricky situation. Your nephew found out not because she told him, but because he overheard some strangers' conversation and went online checking. I don't think something good could possibly come out of "hey, I found out online that you're doing porn - are you okay?"

I have a friend who was an escort for a few years. Although he started doing this back when he was a student, he didn't do it for the money - he's done different jobs before and had the opportunity to get something in another field or even ask one of his old bosses for one. He did it because he loved the job. He's never been ashamed of telling his friends about it neither why he loved it. This is a bit different because in escorting, sexual relationships are not always on the table and always coming from the escort, but in his case things ended up in the bed pretty often, because he wanted to.

Neither you or your nephew knows why she decided to do this job.

Maybe it is indeed for the money, but maybe she had other motives. Maybe she even enjoys this career, in which case such conversation would only make you all uncomfortable. Which is why I would not advise you to confront her with her porn career. Maybe she simply does not need help with that.

However, if you want to find out if she does because you'd like to help her, maybe this is what you could talk about. You say your nephew and she were talking back in college, maybe he could reach out at her, ask how she's doing, what she's doing now or planning to do. If she expresses struggle and only if she does, maybe you could offer your help. But it is never someone else's call to decide whether a career choice is good for someone so, don't make it about it. Don't talk about it if she does not mention it first.

I don't question your will to help her - the world would be a better place if more people lended a hand more often - but, I think it's worth asking yourself: would I want to help her so badly had she not began a career in porn? I know there's a lot of stigma associated to that job and I don't doubt that many actors are unhappy with their jobs, but some people like it and knowingly chose it. I think it's important you figure this out before you try to help her because that information will help you help her the best you can.

Answer 2

I happen to have some experience with the whole, "I took a job as a porn star while being broke after university." I did it because the money was pretty decent. Plus I honestly enjoyed it, especially since I was able to be with my existing partner at the time.

What I can tell you from my perspective is how I felt when people approached me about it.

I have been approached by co-workers(at "regular" jobs), friends, even strangers at parties who recognized me. There is always that moment of dread where I think, "Oh no, I sure hope this goes well" and thankfully it has so far. However, there's always the fear that the wrong people will over hear and it will get back to my family somehow(sort of how this whole thing started for your nephew).

I would definitely NOT mention the porn unless she brings it up, especially not in an email. However, the same line of thinking as avazula, don't bring up the money either. Just offer to get in touch and thank her for the tutoring. Offer to get coffee together, your treat. Something relatively inexpensive like that.

There's also the money issue. Even if she is struggling, even if she did the porn just for the money, she might not want a loan or gift. Even if it's a gift, money tends to create a social imbalance to the relationship. Unless you are substantially better off financially, it would seem a little odd to reach out to offer help without having a more substantial connection.

If your nephew was still in school, perhaps there's another subject that he could use a hand with or some more tutoring?