I've been in a gay relationship with my boyfriend for about 12 year so now. About a year ago we had a small fight about the fact that I am not talking to him anymore. At first I didn't even notice that it was bothering him, he made comments about it but I just thought he was teasing me. One day I caught him in the garden mumbling to himself about it when he thought I was inside. I got very upset because he was implying I kept secrets from him and didn't love him anymore. At that time I told him that this is not remotely the case and that I simply have basically nothing that I could possibly talk with him about, except from the usual small talk.

I told him that I:

  • have no friends other than him that I could talk about
  • never go out without him, so everything I do he already knows about because he is with me
  • contrary to his belief, have no online friends I constantly talk with and could tell something about
  • have not much to tell about work because we work in the same company and sit basically next to each other. So again, everything that happens to me, he already knows about because he is with me, at the latest when there is the coffee break.
  • have no hobbies other than painting which is also nothing we really can talk about.
  • do nothing except waking up, work, eat, go to bed early, repeat (So I'm the most boring person you could ever imagine)

He seemed to understand and it got better. I tried to talk more to him about the few things that happen in my life although he already knows because we are always together, except when he goes out with his friends and I stay at home. Of course we also talk about politics or news but I always felt that's not what he wants, instead he wants to hear about my (boring and uneventful) personal life.

Unfortunately the problem came back a while ago and he started to make passive aggressive comments about the fact that I do not talk to him anymore. Reminding him of what I once told him doesn't seem to have any effect. I want to make it clear that my feelings are still the same and I'm only talking to him so little because I have nothing that I could talk about.

I have the feeling that it is hard for him to understand me because he has plenty of friends and acquaintance with whom he chats constantly and stories to tell, whereas I have like 3 contacts in my contact list I chat with once or twice a year and no friends or family I have any contact with. I even gave him access to my devices that he could see for him self that I don't talk to others all the time but not to him (something he often implies), but he refused.

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    What was your life like before this relationship? Did you have friends/hobbies/... and these gradually faded away or has it always been like this? – AsheraH Aug 5 at 15:43
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    @AsheraH yes. I had friends but I lost contact with most of them or left them on purpose because of their extreme political views I didn't want me or my boyfriend associated with. I didn't had much hobbies then either except for video games and painting. Now with being an adult with a full time job I often lack the time and energy to do anything. – NotThatGuy Aug 5 at 15:49
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    What hobbies is he interested in? Could you get involved or else talk about this? – marcellothearcane Aug 5 at 16:30
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    What about your opinions? You must have opinions: on life, love, feelings, on books and music and films, on history, on religion, on philosophy.... you two don't share your points of view? – essay Aug 5 at 17:08
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    @essay I have opinions on most that but after 12 years we basically now each other by heart and these things don't change very often or much. – NotThatGuy Aug 6 at 6:44

From what you've said, it sounds like you are communicating your current thoughts effectively; you've told him that you don't have much to talk about and he seems unable to accept that and is upset. It seems like his communication needs aren't being fully met in the relationship at the moment. Would it be possible for you two to sit down and talk about what a compromise might look like?

Perhaps he can lower his expectations a bit when it comes to your conversations, and/or take the lead when it comes to conversations and be the one who does the bulk of the talking. Simultaneously, you could put in some additional effort to have more things to talk about. Maybe volunteer with an organization? Join a local book club? Take a class at a community center? Set up a weekly night out with a friend?

I've been in my own gay relationship for 5+ years, and we've had very similar experiences in the past. I am closer in personality to your boyfriend (looking to talk about personal life all the time), while my husband is similar to you (not very talkative, especially when there's nothing new to talk about). Aside from work & school, we rarely spend time with others, and our few hobbies don't make make for lively discussion. It has been a challenge for us to find a good balance on how much to talk and what to talk about, and has required effort on both of our parts.

There is nothing wrong with being a boring person. And there's nothing wrong with wanting your partner to have new life experiences to talk about.

He may not enjoy dating a boring person, and you may not enjoy being a more exciting person, but for this relationship to work, you'll both need to adjust.

While some comments have suggested talking about "life, love, feelings, on books and music and films, on history, on religion, on philosophy", after having been together for a significant amount of time, you know your partner's views on those subjects - those views rarely change quickly and don't make great discussions anymore.

Finally, I'm not a mental health pro, but your comment stating that you rarely have the time or energy to do things sounds like symptoms of depression. Living a low-key, isolated life works for some people, but if that isn't what you've done in the past you may want to meet with a therapist to talk about this stuff.

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