Long story short, I have depression/anxiety. Some days I’m in a low mood and am extra sensitive.
My wife, like all of us, gets in her own moods, usually slightly aggravated, or snippy, or a little mean.
When these two personality moments collide, I get hurt easily and she then gets defensive as if she’s done nothing wrong when I tell her she was being mean.
If I step back from the moment I realize I’m extra sensitive, and she’s not all that mean. But over time her aggravated, snippy tone gets a bit much and I don’t feel the connectedness I would like.
My ideal for that situation is she would be able not to be mean, but if she is, she would be able to say “oh no! I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry!” Instead of “no I didn’t! No I’m not! ‘Sigh’ eye-roll”
Example from today:
I woke up depressed, but I attempted to shake it off. Texted her and ask if she wanted to spend the day with me (we’re currently staying in different locations cuz of her job). She texted back kinda annoyed “sure.” Now I know it’s a text but on a good day it would have been “ok!!! 😬😬” so it’s obvious with her. So I’m already cautious.
We talk on the phone. I try to be positive, and upbeat to sway the convo. I have bad cell service at my house so it’s cutting out. She gets annoyed that she can’t hear me.
She also isn’t the best storyteller so she tends to leave important details out. She’s telling me about how her sister will help her with work for the week, and if she should pay her the “full amount” for the job. Well it’s a 2-week job, so I asked, “why would you pay her the full amount? Isn’t it 2 weeks?” And she responded with an aggravated tone and a sigh and said “no... the fuuullll amount for one weeeekkk....not 2 weeks....why would I pay her for 2.....”
And me in my sensitive state couldn’t brush that off as easily and it affects me so I told her she was being kinda mean, which made it worse cuz she got defensive and said “no I’m not... how am I being mean??” Of course she said that in an unhappy aggravated tone.
Thoughts how we can communicate through these moments better?