Whenever we are intimate, my partner never lets me pleasure them. If I try to continue after I'm done, they just shoot me down with something like "it's OK," or "you don't need to,", or "don't worry about it."

At first I thought they might be shy about it since there are other people at my home, but even if we're at a hotel or their place they still act like this.

We've been together for a little over a year and it's been great, but I feel like it would feel more special if it wasn't just me who is enjoying it.

About them: They're a full time software engineer and also in a master's program. They're also older than me by a bit. Not sure what else is important? They don't socialize much, we met in an online game but we don't play much anymore. My partner is a lot more assertive than I am, so they're usually the ones to initiate and lead it. If I try to initiate they just take the lead and it's basically the same as usual.

How can I ask them to tell me why they're unwilling to continue afterwards?

Challenges: I don't want to ask in a way that puts any blame for anything on them, or maybe in a way that doesn't make them uncomfortable or embarrassed if there is a reason for it. I never actually talked to them about it, it's just that whenever I try they stop me. I don't want to seem pushy or annoying when I bring it up.

  • Hey temp! Thanks for the edit :) Your question seems clear, but we like our questions include a 'real problem' too (As in, don't just ask 'how to talk about something', without making clear the real problem that prompted your question and letting us know why you need our help). See this bit of our good question guidelines too: We'd like to know what you've thought of doing, but why you think that wouldn't work and thus why you're asking us for help :) Why do you think they'd feel blamed, or embarassed?
    – Tinkeringbell
    Oct 11, 2019 at 10:13
  • @temp I'd like a clear sentence or paragraph that I can send in chat for this I'm sorry to say that this part is going to be off-topic: See our help center for more info, it has a part about IPS being about behaviours you use to interact well with other people, and not being a suitable site to ask for a script of 'what to say'. 'Just thinking about asking them about this is making my hands shaky' is a bit too intrapersonal (as in, more about your feelings than your behavior when communicating)...
    – Tinkeringbell
    Oct 11, 2019 at 12:06
  • I'm afraid at this point you're basically asking us to predict how she'll react to your first sentence, and how to make that sentence one that she won't start a conversation. That's sadly not something we can help you with, it'll lead to too many scenarios and opinion-based answers.
    – Tinkeringbell
    Oct 11, 2019 at 12:06
  • 1
    @temp Just curious, but did you ever ask her if you two are a couple? Did you specifically ask her out on a date, or just to "go out and do something together?"
    – user
    Oct 14, 2019 at 16:02
  • 1
    @Rainbacon I'll keep that in mind, maybe it's part of it. They seem pretty shameless when we're in private though besides them stopping my attempts to continue.
    – temp
    Oct 14, 2019 at 21:32

1 Answer 1


I think I can now understand your situation better. I had the need to communicate sensitive stuff with my partners too.

The solution expressed shortly, is to just express the needs which you need to have satisfied, and reach a mutual agreement with them.

I will tell you about two issues which occur recurrently, usually only once, after I happen to have a new partner.

Issue 1 - I need my freedom while sleeping, I cannot sleep like in the movies, embraced with the partner

I need to discuss a short issue with you. I noticed that when we sleep embraced, I cannot have a good rest, and in the morning some parts of my body hurt. I want to have a rule, for the benefit of both of us, if you agree. The rule is that when we decide to sleep, we are independent. We can do anything, sleep on any side, without care of the other. Of course, hugging during sleep is not bad, it is just that it must not be mandatory.

Also, before sleeping and after wake up, the rule does not stand. During those times, the "normal" rules of life apply.

The rule worked and I am confident that it was beneficial to both of us.

Issue 2 - the partner tries to arouse me "before", reciprocating (I am a heterosexual man)

I need you to listen to me for a few seconds. What you do is very pleasant and very exciting. Actually, very exciting. I need you to stop, because it may happen that you will not have your pleasure as a consequence.

(at this moment, she usually tells that she believes it is just fair if she reciprocates)

Yes, it is very fair, and very nice that you do that. And it feels great. However, as a man, I will have my pleasure anyway, it is simple biology. That is why I want both of us to concentrate on your pleasure, this (evening) is for you.

I never received a "NO" to this ;)

In your case, you might want to try:

Thank you for the pleasure. It was so great. If feels very good physically, but it makes me feel very uncomfortable in my mind - feeling guilty - that you do not have your pleasure. Please let me pleasure you too.

Depending on the details of the relationship, you may want to ask for "guidance", to be able to deliver the maximum impact. Not necessarily for the learning (you might already know) - but for "waking up" some of the instincts in your partner - especially considering that they seem to be the very active part.


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