L and I have been friends since junior high. Starting college, we both left our home town and went our separate ways in life. Over the last 20 years we still kept in touch and would meet up when we visited home town for holidays. Back in 2013 I flew to her wedding and was one of her bridesmaid.
End of 2018 my life hit a low point, where I lost my job and had to move internationally while taking care of my mom who was suffering a fatal illness. I discussed with L my situation over the phone a few times. One day I was sick and didn’t pick up her phone early morning, and she never texted again. Even when I reached out multiple times, her reply was cold and brief. She didn’t reach out until early 2020 during holidays.
Problem: I was very hurt by this and even felt betrayed. Even now she approached to resume contact, I still have all the feelings linger in my heart.
I spent some time today to reflect on her perspectives and how I’d lien to do. I think the possible reasons she was acting cold back then were:
1) I didn’t help her new business when she asked me to during that time. I‘m not sure now whether I conveyed clearly enough how difficult that time was for me in our phone calls. But it was just not possible for me to help her back then
2) she had a pretty busy life and was upset that I didn’t make time for the call when she did. But I’d told her the day before that I caught a cold and might not be able to get up that early (7:30am) to chat.
What I want: I also realized that I still cherish the friendship and would want to help her succeed in pursuing her dreams. I’m in a better place now to provide the help that I could.
Meanwhile, I also need to understand her better to further evaluate if this friendship is worth it. I couldn’t understand how my best friend could not check in with me for an entire year knowing my mom is dying. I can’t have this type of “fake” friendship unless she has good reasons or unless there is some misunderstanding. I’m still in pain now in contact with her and feel a bit stuck. I need to know to decide whether to further invest in this friendship or not. At least, I need her to know that this is not acceptable.
Question: How do I communicate with her to achieve what I want clearly yet properly? I feel weird about just asking “hey you know one thing’s been bothering me. Why didn’t you check in on my mom?“ but what other ways could I open up this topic?