How to handle unwanted touching from my partner's friend during conversations?

Question

My partner recently reunited with a friend "Bob" from high school, who has also recently been divorced from his wife of 25 years. He has been visiting us quite often lately and we do enjoy having him around. He is still not over his divorce but at the same time, he seems to want to start dating.

On one of those visits and during a conversation "Bob" touched my thigh. I didn't pay much attention at first, though to be honest, I didn't expect it and I felt a bit violated. My partner has other male friends whom I hang out with and they haven't made me feel that way. Well, the same touching ended up happening again that same night. I felt uncomfortable and didn't know if I should have said anything and how. I spent the rest of the night thinking what he touched my thighs for.

The following day I discussed this with my partner and I asked for his advice. He told me that if this happens again I should just tell Bob I don't like it. Easier said than done because I feel that if I do this I will make it a bigger deal than it was (?) and that it will make things awkward for all of us.

I am used to men who are less forward with women (I'm currently not living in the US, however) and I think him being so comfortable with me was a bit too much.

• Was what he did normal?
• Was it sexual?
• I know it all depends on how it made me feel but even if hypothetically hadn't bothered me, was it appropriate?
• Am I being too conservative or sensitive?
• How do I approach this if it happens again?

We're in a southern European country.

Update (17 Sept 2017)

Bob found a girl.

Answer 1

Easier said than done because I feel that if I do this I will make it a bigger deal than it was

It's your body, which makes it as big a deal as it is to you. If it concerns you enough to raise the issue, raise it.

and that it will make things awkward for all of us

It's already awkward for you from the moment he touched you.

I think him being so comfortable with me was a bit too much. Was what he did normal? Was it sexual? I know it all depends on how it made me feel but even if hypothetically hadn't bothered me, was it appropriate?

There is no normal. Your body, your rules. Same thing regarding what he meant, it's your body. Apparently it bothered you, which means that it's inappropriate. Moreover, it happened not just once but twice.

You don't want to make the things awkward based on you not knowing what he meant by it and that he may even not make it that big a deal.

He did it twice and did it on purpose, which means that he knew what he was doing and probably watched your reaction. If you don't react, it will certainly continue or escalate.

Your husband's friend assumed it was appropriate for him to touch your thighs; just tell him that it isn't - don't even wait until it happens again. As your husband suggested, you should bring up the next time that man comes to your place:

Bob, since you are here, I'd like you to know that I didn't like the way you touched me the last two evenings and don't want you to do it again.

Be assertive, straight to the point. If he continue his behaviour, he is no good to be around. We haven't much information, but maybe neither do you. Maybe his divorce was related to abuse, maybe he suddenly feels lonely and can't resist your sight. Maybe he is just flirting or playing around.

Either way, you don't care; that's none of your concerns.

The fact is that he did something to your body that you didn't like and that therefore he has to stop doing it. Not bringing it up will only help him. It will not help your husband, and it will definitely not help you.

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In the light of your comment to Bradley Wilson's answer, I would suggest you and your partner have a serious chat with Bob, because either he doesn't speak your language or he doesn't care at all. Let him know that your husband and his friend knows about it and is on your side. That is, assuming that the both of you still want him around after him showing this kind of disgusting behaviour.

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Something that I forgot to point out because I thought it would be obvious, something I'm not so sure after giving it more thoughts :

Him touching you discreetly means that he intends as few people to be aware of it as possible: only you and him. That is because he doesn't want your husband or anybody else to witness it. Your knowledge of it is unavoidable, but he is certainly counting on you not daring to confront him - which is by the way the reason you asked the question.

I feel quite stupid for not addressing that point, since that is a very common pattern regarding sexual harassment/abuse. In this situation, Bob is only seeing you as an object but is aware that there is a risk for him to be in trouble. That's why he began with something that can be overlooked - he is testing the fence.

Not confronting him will only confirm him that he can do it without you addressing the issue, whether it is because you like it or are too afraid, shy or ashamed to raise your concern. In addition to that, he can still pretend you are making things up if you confront him. If he gets away with it, it may give you the impression that you are powerless and that confronting him is useless. That's something this kind of abusers not only use to their benefit, but count on since the beginning.

I don't know what to think about your spouse's reaction. He seems to believe you but it doesn't look like he understood the problem. Maybe it's because you were yourself unsure of what was happening but still. I hope you will edit your question if you confront Bob regarding how it went.

Given the uncertainty of your situation, this is a cause of worry and I hope that it will be resolved soon and in a safe way. In addition, reading about both your state of mind when you reported the situation and what happened when you confronted Bob, women in the same case landing on this page could have first hand testimony that reporting these arseholes does work. There are way too many women in your situation who don't speak about it because they think that nobody will believe them or even care at all, or fear that they would be shamed for it instead of the abuser.

Answer 2

Regardless of whether it was sexual or not, no one should be invading your personal space if you don't want them to.

This isn't normal regardless of the situation. You have several approaches:

• Your reaction doesn't have to be verbal, you could simply just pick his hand up and move it away from your thigh.

• But, if you do want to take a verbal approach, just simply say:

  Excuse me, don't touch me like that. I don't feel comfortable with it.

  and when he moves, just simply say:

  Thankyou.. [look away and resume conversation]

• Your partner could talk to him in private and explain to him that you like having him around but you don't feel comfortable with him touching you and what he did made you feel a bit violated.

Answer 3

Your husband is right and you should fairly firmly (and discretely) tell Bob no if this happens again.

Bob is probably a little emotionally unstable right now and most probably feels sexually frustrated (which is probably why he wants to start dating).

You need to tell him that you're off-limits. Once he understands that, you should (hopefully) be ok.

Answer 4

This is not acceptable.

This is an invasion of your private space. Next time he touches you where he shouldn't, take his hand off of you or politely ask him to.

Please don't touch me like that. It's making me uncomfortable.

If at first, he didn't pay heed to you, say again, but this time in a stern voice.

Then continue your conversation or excuse yourself from it, as you see fit.

And bring it up sometime that he should probably look for another partner because he is obviously needing company.

Answer 5

tl;dr: "it's not me, it's you, I have a thing about people touching me in general.". This shifts the blame from "them being inappropriate" to "you being particular about it", and helps defuse the awkwardness of the situation while still sending the message that they should desist.

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Explanation(s):

You are absolutely right to feel it was an invasion of your personal space (whether "big" or "small" -- this is your perception entirely and not up to us to define; if it felt big to you then it was).

However, I also feel you are right that if you "confronted" him directly about it, they may be taken aback, and it could well come off as you making it a bigger deal than it is, as you say. In other words, the message is necessary, but the delivery does indeed matter and needs to be subtle.

The reason for this is that, while one cannot guarantee this is the case, he may well think nothing of it and just be a bit more used to "touchiness" with his friends; heck, for him it may even be a gesture of appreciation and friendliness. While that's still an inappropriate thing to do -- not because it should necessarily be taken to be sexual, but because it could, and one really ought to be more careful before taking such liberties -- a confrontation of an 'overt sexual violation' may be irreversibly damaging to your relationship with that friend (and possibly your husband).

So, rather than say "please don't touch me I think it's inappropriate, you are out of line and I feel uncomfortable", instead, I would say, you could phrase this in a way that shifts the blame from him being inappropriate to you just personally being "weird" about such things in general, and that it's simply one of your weird 'boundaries' that you don't like having crossed. This defuses the situation by taking the accusation of sexual intent out of the picture, while still making a clear message that you don't appreciate being touched that way. E.g. "Bob, sorry, don't misunderstand me, but I'm a bit weird about people touching me in general. Ask Jim (the husband)" and this could turn into a joke and funny anecdotes about times where random people touched you and you "overreacted"; as opposed to what will happen if you make a direct confrontation, which will essentially come off as a mini-rape accusation.

Since you care about your relationship with this person, this way of dealing with it would be more socially palatable, but the message is still clear. He should not touch you like this. It's not your thing; if after this he proceeds to touch you again in the same manner, you know it's not accidental, and then you can and should confront him a bit more directly.

Having said all that, I also agree that such matters should not simply be left to silence either. You are right to want to address this there and then, otherwise you create precedent. But it helps to make it clear that it's a case of "you have just crossed some boundary of mine and I'm letting you know because I know you respect me, and so that you're aware of it and don't do it again", rather than "omg you did not just cross that line that everyone in general knows exists and nobody would cross and that makes you a creep".

Finally, one must also entertain the possibility that he is, in fact, a creep, at least in this context. Unfortunately, that doesn't make him an all-round Bond-villain, and it doesn't preclude him from being a nice guy and a good friend in other contexts; people are not black and white, and most people do hold conflicting personalities at the same time. But it's important to recognise this may be the case rather than wallow in confusion as to whether he is "good" or "bad" in a binary sense. So you did the right thing by telling your husband about it. How you react to it in that particular social context to enable damage control is one thing, and recognising it was important for him to know you were made to feel this is another. At the very least so that he can look out for further red flags too, and not act in a way that puts you in an even more difficult position by overlooking such things later on.

Answer 6

A number of answers here are good, and it depends on what you feel comfortable with as to which suits you best. I just wanted to make comment about a point a few people are making vis: how the outcome of this will affect Bob and your partner's relationship.

While I personally feel that how you react to Bob's touching you has little to do with anyone else and any fallout is Bob's problem to deal with, best practice is probably to let your partner know the action you intend taking beforehand, so he is not surprised when it happens, and doesn't end up apologising for your behaviour, or worse taking Bob's side if Bob's reaction is all astonished shock and hurt ("how could you possibly think such a thing").*

So just let your partner know if Bob touches you again, you are going to call him out, slap his face, cause a scene, or whatever, so his reaction is considered, not reflex when it happens.

^{*As an aside, how Bob reacts when you make your response to his actions may inform you of his real intent. If he's sorry for crossing boundaries, apologises and says it won't happen again, he's likely more innocent than if he follows the above all hurt script, or tries to claim you must have 'contact issues' or similar.}

Answer 7

All the answers so far are very good and can give you a course of action to take.

But I would like to point out the importance to discuss this again with your partner. To me, his reaction was somewhat apathetic to a matter that really caused you to be very uncomfortable.

He needs to understand the severity of what happened. Aware of that he can change his action in the future. Change to what kind of action, you may ask? To take the lead and confront Bob, or whoever be, himself instead of telling you to.

Answer 8

You have to tell Bob to stop. Today.

Your keeping quiet is probably making him feel all the more excited.
How often does this so-called friend have to innocently brush his hands against you before you speak out?

Bob is most likely interpreting your silence as permission to continue. He's not thinking about his friend, he's thinking about getting laid. Alone, at home, he's fantasizing that you secretly find him attractive, that you would respond to his advances if it weren't for your boyfriend. Bob only yearns for the moment when the two of you are alone, and then finally you can confess your true feelings for one another. Yes, he is.

Forbidden lust combined with sexual fantasy make a potent and irresistible aphrodisiac.

Tell Bob to stop coming to your house. Tell Bob that you have told your boyfriend. Tell Bob that you are not sexually attracted to him. (Who cares if you hurt his feelings).

Tell him over the phone, not face to face, and do it today. Also, text Bob and then show the text(s) (including Bob's replies) to your boyfriend.

Answer 9

If you feel it's important to not make Bob feel bad about this, you can call out the behavior while downplaying any hint of criticism of his motives:

You probably don't realize how much you touch me while we are talking, but it makes me uncomfortable, please stop doing that.

You could follow up with

I'm used to having a bit more personal space.

or even

As you start dating again, you will need to learn to be more sensitive to how women react to this kind of thing -- it will be tough to get second dates if women feel you're being over-familiar.

Again, it would be more open and honest to just tell Bob he's being creepy and to stop, but it sounds like the OP doesn't want to go down that path.

Answer 10

The only question you should ask yourself in that situation is if you are comfortable with the touching or not. In this case, it would seem like you are not.

There is no such things as overreacting when it comes to your body.

Your body is, and will always be your most private possession, as such only you have any say on what is and is not okay. Maybe that Bobs has many friends with whom the touching was a normal thing, but if you don't like it, it has to stop, period.

Your body belongs to you and only you.

If someone touches you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, then you have every right to say stop. So the next time you see Bob if this happens again, you should tell him nicely but firmly with something like :

Could you put your hand away, please? You are making me uncomfortable and I'd like if you stopped.

If he does not comply or act like this again then you should talk to your partner about this once more, and ask him to convince Bob to respect your boundaries.

If after all that Bob's behavior does not change, this could be considered as harassing, at which point you might consider asking your partner to stop inviting Bob to your home. I know it's not an easy thing to do, but if someone cannot respect your boundaries, they shouldn't be allowed in the privacy of your home.

If Bob still causes you problems after that, then you should take legal actions.

Answer 11

I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to be touched by certain people or on specific areas or for a specific amount of time. If you are afraid that you may be overreacting (I believe you don't) just tell him in a humorous tone

"Please don't touch my thigh"

next time it happens. You could also stare at his hand each and every time he puts it on your thigh, even if he continues talking to you, I'm sure he'll notice and even ask you what's wrong, so you can answer something like

"It just makes me a little uncomfortable, would you mind not doing it?".

with a smile if you want. Of course there is nothing wrong if you say the above or anything of the sort with a serious face.

Answer 12

Simple. Stand up for yourself. If necessary, do like they do on trains in Japan. Grab the hand that touched you inappropriately, raise it high in the air, and shout, "Pervert! Pervert!" This is done to warn others in the vicinity.

If that is too hard for you, grab his hand, throw it back at him, look him right in the eye, and say, "What is WRONG with you?! Do NOT touch me like that EVER AGAIN!"

Do not apologize. Let him know in no uncertain terms that his behavior is completely unacceptable. Don't be afraid of awkwardness. It will not be awkward for you if you learn how to assert yourself. It will only be awkward for him for being publicly shamed for being a sleazebag.