Being talked over in conversations

Question

I'm a fairly quiet person and during conversations, I quite frequently am cut off by people that I'm talking with (This happens in more than just one group). I find it very irritating because I usually forget what I was going to say, or it is no longer relevant by the time I get a chance to speak. What are some polite ways to assert myself in a situation such as this, without coming across as pushy or self centered? This happens in both professional and personal settings.

Note: When I was younger I was told quite frequently to 'speak up' which I make sure to do now, I do not believe this is a volume issue.

Answer 1

What are some polite ways to assert myself in a situation such as this, without coming across as pushy or self centered?

This depends a bit on what you consider pushy or self-centered. Sometimes, especially in informal or animated conversations, it's push or be pushed! Some people are more confident than others and take the floor more frequently. A few people are rude. If you're considerate and reserved, "pushing" to be heard will feel like you're sinking to their level.

Being talked over is so significant a problem that in some discussion groups, people have a limited number of tokens representing minutes they can talk. That way everyone gets a chance to speak uninterrupted by the more eager-to-share or dominant members. It's frustrating and discouraging, but like many things, it's most likely not about you (so please don't take it personally.) It's more likely to be "about" the other participants.

It's good that your voice is strong. That's a big hurdle you overcame. I would suggest you pick a few phrases that you can say quickly (slower, more deliberate speakers risk being talked over more often unless they rank high in the hierarchy) as soon as you pitch in, perhaps,

I'd like to say something here.
Here's a thought... One option worth considering... What about this?...

If someone cuts you off, be polite but confident.

Give me a minute here.
Hold on, let me finish my thought. Just a second, please.

If someone is being rude, you can repeat a variation on the above.

Group dynamics are tricky. Groups can have different standards (very polite and formal to excited, competitive, and rowdy) and you may need to match what you see to be heard.

_{The Harvard Business Review has a lot of helpful articles devoted to just this thing: breaking into a conversation gracefully, holding your own, etc. How to Interject in a Meeting}

Answer 2

In general, people might not realize. Really the only way to let people know is to confront them, and say:

Hey, can I finish my story?

or nicer

Hey, you didn't let me finish

It is good to realize that not letting someone finish in a conversation is also normal and you can often just drop your thought if it is not relevant anymore.

If in a conversation someone cuts you off 3 times it's high time to tell this person you weren't finished. But before that, I would suggest just letting it go. Everybody has it all the time that they want to say something but the moment has passed.

based on comment: Make sure to know your goal is not to fight. If somebody jumps in defense and bites at you just let it go, other people in the group will know you were right and should defend you if they dare. If not don't answer, you brought your message across, just go away and talk with him/her in person later (if you dare or just see if the message came across).

You are doing the person a favor in the end. He might do the same to his partner/family/friends the earlier he knows his behavior the better for himself.

Professional environment

As for professional environment. if it's your colleagues I would say use the same treatment. If it's your boss. Try and plan a yearly performance/feedback meeting with your boss and drop this as feedback towards him.

I feel like you often don't let me finish.

Make sure you have an example if he wants an explanation. (and make sure to add tons of compliments around the feedback)

For close friends I would take the same approach as for a boss: speak with him in person and give the feedback. Also if you don't want to hurt/humiliation someone, take this person on the side and give him the feedback privately

Answer 3

Disclaimer: This answer is largely derived from this Charisma On Command video.

• Put pauses mid-sentence, not at the end

  If you pause at the end of sentences, others may think you're done speaking and jump in if they have something to say.

• Sound excited

  Even if you have something really interesting to say, if you say it slowly in a monotone voice, people will lose interest.

• Be loud

  Don't shout, but make sure you're speaking loudly and clearly enough for others to hear you.

• Use appropriate body language and gestures

  This relates to the two points above. If you're slouched with your arms next to your side, that's not going to convey confidence and others may be more likely to lose interest or interrupt.

• Make eye contact

  If you just look straight ahead, or worse, look down, that doesn't send a great message. Keep looking around and making eye contact with others. If you try to make eye contact, they'd feel more engaged in what you're saying and they'd be less likely to interrupt.

• Speak through (minor) interruptions

  If someone interrupts, there will be 2 people speaking for a short time. If you keep talking (with confidence) and finish what you were busy saying (and then look their way to indicate that you're done), others will get the message that they shouldn't interrupt you. Of course using this too much will make you come across as rude.

  If you're not a sentence or two away from being done speaking, you can decide whether it would be appropriate to acknowledge them with a, for example, "Bob, I'm almost done" before continuing. Avoid asking permission here, as that conveys a lack of confidence - simply say it and move on.

  This is especially true if others are simply making noises without actively trying to interrupt - if you stop talking every time this happens, others are going to use that opportunity to jump in.

• Tell tight stories (don't ramble)

  A really interesting story can be really boring if you focus on the wrong details or include too many of them.

• Make others feel good

  Make use of complements or fun or funny stories, and try to avoid things that evoke negative emotions. If you make people listening to you feel good, they're going to want to keep listening to you.

• Wrap complaints in stories

  If you want to voice a complaint, wrap it in a riveting story - if you want to complain about your boss, for example, don't just say what they did and how much you think that sucks, rather wrap it in the story of how it happened.

• Relate back to the listener

  Talk about what others in the group are interested in. If you're talking about something no-one's interested in, you're going to lose them.

  You could sometimes make use of a phrase like "Oh my god, you're going to love this" to pique the interest of those listening, but use it very selectively - overusing this, or regularly using it for something that others don't find interesting, will have the opposite effect in the long term.