Meeting after a breakup - how to explain I now understand the problems we had?

Question

A little backstory: I am a 25 year old man. About 3 years ago I started dating a woman and we lived happily. Some points it seemed too perfect. I mean we never argued. Maybe this caused the breakup.

So at this year late January, she said, she didn't feel love anymore. So we ended our relationship. (I could laugh at myself, I got friend zoned during the relationship.)

Maybe it was a fast decision, but I feel devastated, betrayed. After thinking a long time, I came to realize we messed up. I talked with her after one week of the breakup, and she said what may have caused it.

We never talked about our problems, and besides that, I left her alone two times. I mean I had other activities but I didn't recognize she wanted to be with me. Okay, I accept that I should have seen that. (Of course she also could say she wanted to be with me)... never mind, I accept it as I made a mistake, BUT I never knew about this mistake until after the breakup.

I haven't met with her since. (We texted a few times on Facebook, but not anything important.) Now we agreed that we will talk again in a few weeks.

I feel like I must talk to her about this, that we messed it up together, and we ran away from the problems instead of solving them. I don't want to apologize, and I won't beg to be together again, no matter how much I want this. The best outcome would be if we could start dating again and earn each other's trust again.

I think I learned a lot from this, and I feel I have a new view about love and life.

How can I explain this to her when we talk?

Answer 1

I think in any relationship, there's no right no wrong. You were right. Both of you messed up and didn't communicate well at that time.

I feel like I must talk to her about this, that we messed it up together, and we ran away from the problems instead of solving them.

Why you feel like you must talk to her about what's already passed. Ask yourself this question: "is it possible that I want to prove that it was not only my fault?" Because that might be what your ego wants. Whenever ego is involved, people could hardly open up and talk from their hearts. Because ego always wants to protect himself/herself, to prove that he/she is right or he/she has a good reason. You felt devastated, felt betrayed after she broke it up with you. Because that hurts your ego.

If you ask yourself that question and are certain that it's not what your ego wants, you can talk and you can talk anything openly with no fear. Then my suggestion would be: talk about yourself and only yourself. (Otherwise the talk can turn into an ugly blame game.) Tell her that you didn't care about her enough and let her down. Tell her that you are sorry if you made her feel out of love.

When you talk to her like that, you are showing your vulnerability. For a man to show his vulnerability is the bravest thing to do. She wouldn't feel that you are weak. Instead she will feel that you are a mature and responsible guy. Immediately you would gain her trust.

Take fully responsible for what had happened between you and her in the past, even if it's not your fault. Because whoever take responsibility, who will have the control. I didn't mean to control her. I mean to take whole thing in your hand. You do what you can. If you believe that talk is necessary, do the talk. However no matter what happens after the talk, your life your happiness is in your hand. That kind of control. If she decides to re-union, that's good. If she decides not to, that's also okay.

Answer 2

It's great that you are meeting up with her again as I could interpret from your post, you need closure.

"The best outcome would be if we could start dating again and earn each other's trust again."

Try to get into this meetup with the intention of getting nothing but closure for you and her. Tell her about your mistakes that you had only realized after the breakup, and apologize for that. Try not to expect to get back together before solving and talking about the issues you had with her previously, such as the lack of attention, lack of communication (not discussing each other's problems).

As corny as it sounds, you can also mention after your breakup, you had 4 months of self-reflection and is slowly opening up to new ways to love, try not to force her into starting afresh, nothing good can come out of that. Hope this helps!