How to deal with a toxic group leader?

Question

So I'm in this group of friends that have been around for a few years, over a few interactions I have developed a toxic relationship with one of the people in this group. I have tried to talk to him about becoming friends again and that whatever I did (which I don't know) I'm sorry, but he shot me down and have no interest in reigniting friendship again. It's to the point where he blocks me and don't answer any of my messages.

I figure just cut him out of my life and I'll be OK, but here's where the problem lie. He is the leader of the discord group I'm currently in and where all my other friends interact, it is the main hub of where all activities occur and where we plan get together and everything else. This person is very popular in the group and have major influence over my other friends decisions. When does anything in the server he'll try his best to cut me out of it be it in conversations and activities. He's also very cunning able to bend his words where's as leaving me out is generally accepted among-st everyone. He has a much higher reputation than me so my voice is usually buried buy his.

Leaving this group is very sub optimal for me since I'll be losing my only communication to a majority of my other friends as well as conversations I like to be a part in. I have tried talking to my other friends about the problems I have with him but it generally doesn't end in anything, things continue as normal. It's become to a point where my envy to this guys status keeps me up at night. I've been friends with people in this group for years and this guy only showed up in the last 8 months, its either leave the group and lose my friends or stay in and be mentally unhealthy. I don't know what to do in this situation.

This is like the flip flop version of this question: How to interact with someone whose close friend group seems to dislike you?

Answer 1

Well, I have learned a lot about friendships in my life. Sometimes they are lasting and sometimes they are not. I also have a lot of experience in groups, both in person and online, and for this reason I think I can offer some ways to navigate waters like these.

Here is what I would say - sad is it is for me to type and you to hear - but you need new friends. First, a group that follows some kind of "leader" to disliking people is bad for you. I fully agree with your use of the word toxic, but I would apply it to the entire group of participants, not just the one person who's rude to you for an unexplained reason. This kind of drama is very immature and as hard as it is (which I know from experience is hard) you really need to look at how you can make other friends or find another group.

I feel fortunate to have a handful of close friends. It is more work to maintain, because they are not in a group, but those are the friends that give you real happiness in life. Group dynamics are difficult to navigate but the groups friends I do finally have are generally accepting, pleasant, and new members are welcome. We also would never make someone feel unwelcome. A person creating drama with another member (like the person you describe) would be more likely to be ostracized from our group - and that is the issue here.

It may be possible that you've outgrown this group, or that they are on an emotional quotient that is not going to be satisfactory to you. In any case, surrounding yourself with people with common interests who are willing to include you and communicate with you is what you need, and thus my suggestion is to perhaps create your own group if you can do that, or find a new one altogether. Your "real" friends will stick with you regardless of your participation with the toxic leader and his minions, and you don't need the ones that won't.

I also want to add, as I've just seen your comment, that without face-to-face interaction with someone, conflict resolution is incredibly difficult. No one can really make eye contact, gauge tones and see body language. People are also a lot more brave behind a keyboard and webcam. Again, for this reason, it is hard to find ways in an interpersonal way that will help you actually solve the problem at hand, so working around it may be your best bet.